Reply to What is reasonable to ask of in-town family in terms of help with kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  Again, thanks for the reality check.  This was an anonymous vent and it was helpful for me to see other perspectives, although it is not one that I grew up with.

Not that this makes a difference but MIL voluntarily moved to our neighborhood recently-- we didn't go move to hers.

Maybe this makes me a spiteful b*tch, but I will be honest and say that a less "helpful" MIL who is local makes me less likely to want to see her on the weekends/evenings when it is our family time.  For example, DH always wants to invite her over for dinner during the week....which I cook with a 3 year old running around after work (and I also hate cooking).  It drives me NUTS to have MIL show up on our doorstep at 6:30 asking "how she can help" when by that point, dinner has been prepped and cooked already.

As another S/O, I wonder if the dynamic is different if it was your own mom vs DH's mom.  Given my new-found understanding of the dynamics, I will be loathe to ask MIL to do anything (unless it's a major emergency) and will ask DH to do it.  If it were my own mother, the bar is much lower.[/quote]

I get what you are saying but being close at best means you have the possibility that she can help in emergency situations like unexpected traffic jams or ice snow days when DH is traveling for work and you have to figure out 2-3 days of childcare.  FWIW, lots of my friends have family in town and everyone is different in the ways in which they are willing to help.  Some will do aftercare for 1 or two afternoons per week but they don't do evening or weekends, parents hire babysitters.  Another doesn't do anything with aftercare but will watch on weekends for regular date nights but parents have to drop/pickup.  Another will always help in emergency situations but rarely does aftercare or will cover in school breaks (doesn't want to be tied down) but will see the family regularly for dinner during the week - usually going out to eat, taking turns with paying. In all these cases the kids have relationships with the grandparents and the adult kids love their parents and generally get along with them and there are no major issues between spouse and in-law.  I think because of what you are used to you feel there is only one right way to help and have a relationship with grandkids plus you haven't had the meeting about division of household chores fairness with your DH.  I remember having that talk with a toddler and one on the way when DH not only traveled roughly 2 months out of the year for work but I had to take off for every sick day.

It's great that your DH loves his mother and wants her to be included.  You just need to get him to help more when he issues invitations. Let DH know he needs to either grill food, let you know ahead of time so you can make a casserole the night before while DH watches the children and can pop it in the oven the next day or plan for a crock pot meal, make the invitation for take out night (like Friday night pizza), or get home earlier so he can watch toddler while you make dinner.  This is no different than when either my parents come to visit or DH's parents are in town. We have to work out ahead of time what we plan to do for food.  Again, I see this as an issue with DH and you, not with MIL.  If DH has to step up more and his mom offers to help him (like coming over earlier instead of DH leaving work early to help watch toddler when you are cooking or helping you with the cooking) that is fine but there is no automatic transference of his duties to help you more going to his mother because she lives nearby.

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