48. Must be married by 50

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was reading the "Im 26 and never had a boyfriend thread" and figured you all could give me some advice, too. I know DCUMs are really harsh and mean so i'm prepared for the insults.

Here's my situation. Raised in a highly educated household by parents who expected me to marry a certain sort of individual. Bought into it for through college. Had college boyfriend who was terrible so spent my 20s dating and having fun and not being worried about it (and with a few long relationships in there). In my early 30s I met a seemingly great guy whom I dated for 3 yrs but who ended up being a jerk and spent the next several years getting over the pain and betrayal. The rest of my 30s I dated a lot but never found anyone (turned down on proposal). In my 40s I adopted a child and moved overseas and enjoyed life though I felt a huge part was missing. Now I am heading towards 50 and am really sad that it may not work out for me and DC. I don't look 25 but 'black don't crack' so honestly I do look young for my age. 35 tops. (Think Halle Berry, Nia Long, Vivica A. Fox, Angela Bassett.. I'm not flawless like them bc I don't have their long dollars but I look good for my age). I went to decent schools, can carry on a conversation, am funny.. blah blah blah. Yes, I have a child but so do most women my age.

Been on numerous dating sites since time is really limited now. Have a few male friends who want to date exclusively but it's hard to settle with any of them because at this point I just don't see it. I MAY, just don't as of yet. I'm not necessarily picky but I do expect the man to be kind, interesting, sexy, intelligent and family oriented at the very least. I am open to men with children and they don't have to be gorgeous or rich. I'm feeling like I should just move back overseas where at least we can have an interesting life full of interesting friends and travel to exotic locales (which I can't afford from here)... but dating in some parts of the world is even more difficult!

C'mon DCUMs! Get me a proposal before 50!

Wow you sound great that is so crazy that you've dated but never married. Did you ever turn down any proposals? You're sexy intelligent and sophisticated I bet you have guys willing to leave their wives to be with you. It must be hard finding someone comparable at this age who isn't taken. Maybe you should just give in and steal someone's man. There'd be guilt initially but happiness will trump it in time.

Before resorting to the "steal someone's man" advice, consider dating younger men, instead. Give yourself a broad age range of, 30/35-55, so that you can have fun with the dating process. Have you tried Parentswithoutpartners.org or singleparentmeetup.com? How abouthttp://www.dcfortypluspro.com/index.cfm?action=aboutdcfpp, which arranges fun events and activities (free membership), where you could meet some friends with interests in all kinds of cultural events. A number of couples I know met through interest groups online, for example one couple met through an academic listserv and another met through involvement with a neighborhood group which had meetups. Most of all, have some fun outside of parenting, find a friend before you settle down, and don't get discouraged by crazy posters on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was reading the "Im 26 and never had a boyfriend thread" and figured you all could give me some advice, too. I know DCUMs are really harsh and mean so i'm prepared for the insults.

Here's my situation. Raised in a highly educated household by parents who expected me to marry a certain sort of individual. Bought into it for through college. Had college boyfriend who was terrible so spent my 20s dating and having fun and not being worried about it (and with a few long relationships in there). In my early 30s I met a seemingly great guy whom I dated for 3 yrs but who ended up being a jerk and spent the next several years getting over the pain and betrayal. The rest of my 30s I dated a lot but never found anyone (turned down on proposal). In my 40s I adopted a child and moved overseas and enjoyed life though I felt a huge part was missing. Now I am heading towards 50 and am really sad that it may not work out for me and DC. I don't look 25 but 'black don't crack' so honestly I do look young for my age. 35 tops. (Think Halle Berry, Nia Long, Vivica A. Fox, Angela Bassett.. I'm not flawless like them bc I don't have their long dollars but I look good for my age). I went to decent schools, can carry on a conversation, am funny.. blah blah blah. Yes, I have a child but so do most women my age.

Been on numerous dating sites since time is really limited now. Have a few male friends who want to date exclusively but it's hard to settle with any of them because at this point I just don't see it. I MAY, just don't as of yet. I'm not necessarily picky but I do expect the man to be kind, interesting, sexy, intelligent and family oriented at the very least. I am open to men with children and they don't have to be gorgeous or rich. I'm feeling like I should just move back overseas where at least we can have an interesting life full of interesting friends and travel to exotic locales (which I can't afford from here)... but dating in some parts of the world is even more difficult!

C'mon DCUMs! Get me a proposal before 50!

Wow you sound great that is so crazy that you've dated but never married. Did you ever turn down any proposals? You're sexy intelligent and sophisticated I bet you have guys willing to leave their wives to be with you. It must be hard finding someone comparable at this age who isn't taken. Maybe you should just give in and steal someone's man. There'd be guilt initially but happiness will trump it in time.

Before resorting to the "steal someone's man" advice, consider dating younger men, instead. Give yourself a broad age range of, 30/35-55, so that you can have fun with the dating process. Have you tried Parentswithoutpartners.org or singleparentmeetup.com? How abouthttp://www.dcfortypluspro.com/index.cfm?action=aboutdcfpp, which arranges fun events and activities (free membership), where you could meet some friends with interests in all kinds of cultural events. A number of couples I know met through interest groups online, for example one couple met through an academic listserv and another met through involvement with a neighborhood group which had meetups. Most of all, have some fun outside of parenting, find a friend before you settle down, and don't get discouraged by crazy posters on DCUM.

I'm one of the 40+ year old women who posted on here. Appreciate your advice but just so you know: There are no single parents meetups in DC. I've looked. There is no local chapter of Parents without Partners. I've looked. I checked the dcfortyplus site you listed...no events listed on the calendar. The NYE party from 2005 is still on there. Just saying...it's tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was reading the "Im 26 and never had a boyfriend thread" and figured you all could give me some advice, too. I know DCUMs are really harsh and mean so i'm prepared for the insults.

Here's my situation. Raised in a highly educated household by parents who expected me to marry a certain sort of individual. Bought into it for through college. Had college boyfriend who was terrible so spent my 20s dating and having fun and not being worried about it (and with a few long relationships in there). In my early 30s I met a seemingly great guy whom I dated for 3 yrs but who ended up being a jerk and spent the next several years getting over the pain and betrayal. The rest of my 30s I dated a lot but never found anyone (turned down on proposal). In my 40s I adopted a child and moved overseas and enjoyed life though I felt a huge part was missing. Now I am heading towards 50 and am really sad that it may not work out for me and DC. I don't look 25 but 'black don't crack' so honestly I do look young for my age. 35 tops. (Think Halle Berry, Nia Long, Vivica A. Fox, Angela Bassett.. I'm not flawless like them bc I don't have their long dollars but I look good for my age). I went to decent schools, can carry on a conversation, am funny.. blah blah blah. Yes, I have a child but so do most women my age.

Been on numerous dating sites since time is really limited now. Have a few male friends who want to date exclusively but it's hard to settle with any of them because at this point I just don't see it. I MAY, just don't as of yet. I'm not necessarily picky but I do expect the man to be kind, interesting, sexy, intelligent and family oriented at the very least. I am open to men with children and they don't have to be gorgeous or rich. I'm feeling like I should just move back overseas where at least we can have an interesting life full of interesting friends and travel to exotic locales (which I can't afford from here)... but dating in some parts of the world is even more difficult!

C'mon DCUMs! Get me a proposal before 50!

Wow you sound great that is so crazy that you've dated but never married. Did you ever turn down any proposals? You're sexy intelligent and sophisticated I bet you have guys willing to leave their wives to be with you. It must be hard finding someone comparable at this age who isn't taken. Maybe you should just give in and steal someone's man. There'd be guilt initially but happiness will trump it in time.

Before resorting to the "steal someone's man" advice, consider dating younger men, instead. Give yourself a broad age range of, 30/35-55, so that you can have fun with the dating process. Have you tried Parentswithoutpartners.org or singleparentmeetup.com? How abouthttp://www.dcfortypluspro.com/index.cfm?action=aboutdcfpp, which arranges fun events and activities (free membership), where you could meet some friends with interests in all kinds of cultural events. A number of couples I know met through interest groups online, for example one couple met through an academic listserv and another met through involvement with a neighborhood group which had meetups. Most of all, have some fun outside of parenting, find a friend before you settle down, and don't get discouraged by crazy posters on DCUM.

I'm one of the 40+ year old women who posted on here. Appreciate your advice but just so you know: There are no single parents meetups in DC. I've looked. There is no local chapter of Parents without Partners. I've looked. I checked the dcfortyplus site you listed...no events listed on the calendar. The NYE party from 2005 is still on there. Just saying...it's tough.

Oh no! ..just when I was starting to get hopeful.

For those who have asked, I will reiterate: Yes, I have turned down two proposals (and they are still available if I change my mind which I won't). Yes I will date outside my race. My age range is 35 to 55 or so, so it's pretty broad. Yes, I want my man to be sexy. He doesn't have to be Boris Kodjoe but I need to be hot for him. The nice 65 year old man with the aging body isn't my type and damn, I'm holding it down pretty well so I think he should too. And seriously how many of you if in my situation would marry a man you weren't attracted to? I am approachable, not desperate. I am not at all materialistic and don't wear labels, a weave or fake nails. My time is limited so I am not out much to meet anyone. I have a regular sitter but lately I have been too busy with other things to socialize much. I know this needs to change. And finally, I chose 50 because it's a milestone birthday and I refuse to be listed in the NYTimes as a first time bride at 53. That is just horrifying!! LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was reading the "Im 26 and never had a boyfriend thread" and figured you all could give me some advice, too. I know DCUMs are really harsh and mean so i'm prepared for the insults.

Here's my situation. Raised in a highly educated household by parents who expected me to marry a certain sort of individual. Bought into it for through college. Had college boyfriend who was terrible so spent my 20s dating and having fun and not being worried about it (and with a few long relationships in there). In my early 30s I met a seemingly great guy whom I dated for 3 yrs but who ended up being a jerk and spent the next several years getting over the pain and betrayal. The rest of my 30s I dated a lot but never found anyone (turned down on proposal). In my 40s I adopted a child and moved overseas and enjoyed life though I felt a huge part was missing. Now I am heading towards 50 and am really sad that it may not work out for me and DC. I don't look 25 but 'black don't crack' so honestly I do look young for my age. 35 tops. (Think Halle Berry, Nia Long, Vivica A. Fox, Angela Bassett.. I'm not flawless like them bc I don't have their long dollars but I look good for my age). I went to decent schools, can carry on a conversation, am funny.. blah blah blah. Yes, I have a child but so do most women my age.

Been on numerous dating sites since time is really limited now. Have a few male friends who want to date exclusively but it's hard to settle with any of them because at this point I just don't see it. I MAY, just don't as of yet. I'm not necessarily picky but I do expect the man to be kind, interesting, sexy, intelligent and family oriented at the very least. I am open to men with children and they don't have to be gorgeous or rich. I'm feeling like I should just move back overseas where at least we can have an interesting life full of interesting friends and travel to exotic locales (which I can't afford from here)... but dating in some parts of the world is even more difficult!

C'mon DCUMs! Get me a proposal before 50!

Wow you sound great that is so crazy that you've dated but never married. Did you ever turn down any proposals? You're sexy intelligent and sophisticated I bet you have guys willing to leave their wives to be with you. It must be hard finding someone comparable at this age who isn't taken. Maybe you should just give in and steal someone's man. There'd be guilt initially but happiness will trump it in time.

Before resorting to the "steal someone's man" advice, consider dating younger men, instead. Give yourself a broad age range of, 30/35-55, so that you can have fun with the dating process. Have you tried Parentswithoutpartners.org or singleparentmeetup.com? How abouthttp://www.dcfortypluspro.com/index.cfm?action=aboutdcfpp, which arranges fun events and activities (free membership), where you could meet some friends with interests in all kinds of cultural events. A number of couples I know met through interest groups online, for example one couple met through an academic listserv and another met through involvement with a neighborhood group which had meetups. Most of all, have some fun outside of parenting, find a friend before you settle down, and don't get discouraged by crazy posters on DCUM.

I'm one of the 40+ year old women who posted on here. Appreciate your advice but just so you know: There are no single parents meetups in DC. I've looked. There is no local chapter of Parents without Partners. I've looked. I checked the dcfortyplus site you listed...no events listed on the calendar. The NYE party from 2005 is still on there. Just saying...it's tough.

Oh no! ..just when I was starting to get hopeful.

For those who have asked, I will reiterate: Yes, I have turned down two proposals (and they are still available if I change my mind which I won't). Yes I will date outside my race. My age range is 35 to 55 or so, so it's pretty broad. Yes, I want my man to be sexy. He doesn't have to be Boris Kodjoe but I need to be hot for him. The nice 65 year old man with the aging body isn't my type and damn, I'm holding it down pretty well so I think he should too. And seriously how many of you if in my situation would marry a man you weren't attracted to? I am approachable, not desperate. I am not at all materialistic and don't wear labels, a weave or fake nails. My time is limited so I am not out much to meet anyone. I have a regular sitter but lately I have been too busy with other things to socialize much. I know this needs to change. And finally, I chose 50 because it's a milestone birthday and I refuse to be listed in the NYTimes as a first time bride at 53. That is just horrifying!! LOL

Sometimes I'm attracted to men after I get to know them...even if there's not an initial attraction. I've learned to try to give it a chance and not jump to quick conclusions the first time I see them....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was reading the "Im 26 and never had a boyfriend thread" and figured you all could give me some advice, too. I know DCUMs are really harsh and mean so i'm prepared for the insults.

Here's my situation. Raised in a highly educated household by parents who expected me to marry a certain sort of individual. Bought into it for through college. Had college boyfriend who was terrible so spent my 20s dating and having fun and not being worried about it (and with a few long relationships in there). In my early 30s I met a seemingly great guy whom I dated for 3 yrs but who ended up being a jerk and spent the next several years getting over the pain and betrayal. The rest of my 30s I dated a lot but never found anyone (turned down on proposal). In my 40s I adopted a child and moved overseas and enjoyed life though I felt a huge part was missing. Now I am heading towards 50 and am really sad that it may not work out for me and DC. I don't look 25 but 'black don't crack' so honestly I do look young for my age. 35 tops. (Think Halle Berry, Nia Long, Vivica A. Fox, Angela Bassett.. I'm not flawless like them bc I don't have their long dollars but I look good for my age). I went to decent schools, can carry on a conversation, am funny.. blah blah blah. Yes, I have a child but so do most women my age.

Been on numerous dating sites since time is really limited now. Have a few male friends who want to date exclusively but it's hard to settle with any of them because at this point I just don't see it. I MAY, just don't as of yet. I'm not necessarily picky but I do expect the man to be kind, interesting, sexy, intelligent and family oriented at the very least. I am open to men with children and they don't have to be gorgeous or rich. I'm feeling like I should just move back overseas where at least we can have an interesting life full of interesting friends and travel to exotic locales (which I can't afford from here)... but dating in some parts of the world is even more difficult!

C'mon DCUMs! Get me a proposal before 50!

Wow you sound great that is so crazy that you've dated but never married. Did you ever turn down any proposals? You're sexy intelligent and sophisticated I bet you have guys willing to leave their wives to be with you. It must be hard finding someone comparable at this age who isn't taken. Maybe you should just give in and steal someone's man. There'd be guilt initially but happiness will trump it in time.

Before resorting to the "steal someone's man" advice, consider dating younger men, instead. Give yourself a broad age range of, 30/35-55, so that you can have fun with the dating process. Have you tried Parentswithoutpartners.org or singleparentmeetup.com? How abouthttp://www.dcfortypluspro.com/index.cfm?action=aboutdcfpp, which arranges fun events and activities (free membership), where you could meet some friends with interests in all kinds of cultural events. A number of couples I know met through interest groups online, for example one couple met through an academic listserv and another met through involvement with a neighborhood group which had meetups. Most of all, have some fun outside of parenting, find a friend before you settle down, and don't get discouraged by crazy posters on DCUM.

I'm one of the 40+ year old women who posted on here. Appreciate your advice but just so you know: There are no single parents meetups in DC. I've looked. There is no local chapter of Parents without Partners. I've looked. I checked the dcfortyplus site you listed...no events listed on the calendar. The NYE party from 2005 is still on there. Just saying...it's tough.

really?!?!!
Start them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you all are a very sad and harsh bunch (I wouldn't have expected otherwise). I will look into Meet Ups. Thanks for that suggestion. The women who are saying I am being too picky are probably white. I have many, many, many black female friends who are kind, pretty, professional women who are single. The fact of the matter is the pool of available black men is much, much smaller. I am open to dating to men of other races now though which I know will be helpful. The men aren't dying off! I'm looking for men under 80! LOL

I'm not sad, sweetie. I'm married. You're not.

I dated people because I liked them, though, and eventually found someone I wanted to marry.

You're dating people because you might want to marry and hoping to find someone you like.

It's desperate and objectifying.

Bitch bye.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster who said - try a matchmaker. If you are a sophisticated, young-looking African-American professional, you should be looking for a power executive type in his 50's. What is your career? I think you should network at an executive level. Let your friends know that you are looking. You do sound somewhat picky, so don't settle. You need to find a gentleman who is successful and dynamic and well-travelled and well-off. How about trying NYC or Philly too? Is there some sort of Black professional executive social organization you can join? What about a church in an upscale neighborhood? (Sort of like the one the Obamas joined in Chicago. He clearly joined that church to network!) Get out to parties but nice parties. Go to nice restaurant bars with some girlfriends.

[Anonymous]

Me. DWM 48 y.o. Long time expat returning to DC area to launch teen DD off to college. Will then be looking to return overseas. Past living and working experience in Asia, Africa and Europe. Multilingual. Live life in my terms. Self made. No shortage of female friends, but not any particular one has caught my fancy. See you soon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the poster who said - try a matchmaker. If you are a sophisticated, young-looking African-American professional, you should be looking for a power executive type in his 50's. What is your career? I think you should network at an executive level. Let your friends know that you are looking. You do sound somewhat picky, so don't settle. You need to find a gentleman who is successful and dynamic and well-travelled and well-off. How about trying NYC or Philly too? Is there some sort of Black professional executive social organization you can join? What about a church in an upscale neighborhood? (Sort of like the one the Obamas joined in Chicago. He clearly joined that church to network!) Get out to parties but nice parties. Go to nice restaurant bars with some girlfriends.

Do matchmakers really work? Are there ones in DC? I tried it's just lunch years ago and thought it was awful, as did two friends of mine.

[Anonymous]

In DC, there are way more super quality women than men (family backgrounds, intelligence, looks, jobs, good personalities, interesting, etc). If you're still looking for "at least" kind, interesting, sexy, intelligent and family oriented, I would say accept the date or proposal from a guy that has two or three of those 5. I chose kind and family oriented. I would have killed for 4. That was me at 32. 5 years later, half of my highly eligible female friends are still single, and even the average Joes are all married or engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In DC, there are way more super quality women than men (family backgrounds, intelligence, looks, jobs, good personalities, interesting, etc). If you're still looking for "at least" kind, interesting, sexy, intelligent and family oriented, I would say accept the date or proposal from a guy that has two or three of those 5. I chose kind and family oriented. I would have killed for 4. That was me at 32. 5 years later, half of my highly eligible female friends are still single, and even the average Joes are all married or engaged.


When you're in your 40s the available men are mostly divorced. So they have have some of those qualities but they are also scared of commitment (again) and damaged by bad relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you haven't found a person to marry by now, you're not going to find someone. You have several guys who are willing to try, but you aren't interested.

This isn't going to happen for you, OP.

The person above did. Plenty of people marry the wrong person when they are young and get divorced. Some remarry later in life. And I said I wasn't currently interested in the men interested in me but I may later. They both currently live out of state, one is moving back in January.. we'll see... And I figure if I got two interested, there could be more around the corner with whom i'm a better match.

Be nice!

I'm not being mean.

The person above was previously in a marriage and divorced. You haven't done that. The other people you are talking about also married and divorced.

You sound very picky. If you haven't found someone to try marriage with by now, you are not going to find someone to try it with because you are picky. Your choices are more narrow now than they were when you were younger. The odds don't get better. People are starting to die off.

Die off?? that's a bit ridiculous. She's 48, not 68. Geez.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you all are a very sad and harsh bunch (I wouldn't have expected otherwise). I will look into Meet Ups. Thanks for that suggestion. The women who are saying I am being too picky are probably white. I have many, many, many black female friends who are kind, pretty, professional women who are single. The fact of the matter is the pool of available black men is much, much smaller. I am open to dating to men of other races now though which I know will be helpful. The men aren't dying off! I'm looking for men under 80! LOL

I'm not sad, sweetie. I'm married. You're not.

I dated people because I liked them, though, and eventually found someone I wanted to marry.

You're dating people because you might want to marry and hoping to find someone you like.

It's desperate and objectifying.

OP, there is hope for you. See, even the nasty woman who wrote the above got married. There is indeed a lid for every pot as they say!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The person above was previously in a marriage and divorced. You haven't done that. The other people you are talking about also married and divorced.

You sound very picky. If you haven't found someone to try marriage with by now, you are not going to find someone to try it with because you are picky. Your choices are more narrow now than they were when you were younger. The odds don't get better. People are starting to die off.

+1

+10

I have seen this a bunch - you have to be willing to try - no fault for not being willing - it's OK to be picky - but if you are that picky, then you're not likely to have success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you still don't find someone you can settle for, you never will.

So, I +10'ed the "picky" +1 but rather than be snarky (show attitude) let me offer this: no matter who you marry, you will be having to "settle" at least a little bit; like another poster said, there is no perfect man or perfect woman out there. And even if they look perfect, after a few years there will be something about them you really dislike, at least occasionally.

The whole dealio about marriage and "commitment" is making a promise to work to stick with someone - and the real part of that is sticking with them and making it work when you <i>don't</i> like them, not when you're feeling lovely-dovey.

So, stop looking at "settling" in such a negative way.