s/o: If you have infrequent sex with spouse, were you initially sexually attracted to them?

[Anonymous]

My DH is my best friend and as we age I see that companionship is way more important than sex.

[Anonymous]

I agree that companionship can at times become way more important than sex. BUT I also think you need a strong sexual attraction/relationship to start a marriage. In my mind, having hot sex slowly evolve into something else is WAY different than having a marriage where the sex was always bad. God sex brings a level of comfort and, yes, companionship, that I for one could never achieve without at least the memory of that underlying strong attraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a DH who is in a sexless/affection less 20 year old marriage... I have two kids.. If it was not for the kids.. I would have gotten a divorce many yeas ago.

I was sexually attracted to my DW, but I know wonder if she was ever sexually attracted to me.

I have become involved with someone who is in a sexless/affection less marriage of her own. We started out as friends and now have become a lot more than friends.. There is passion, affection, great sex and a great friendship. The chemistry between us is better than any relationship that I have ever been involved in. It has everything that our current marriages do not have. If it wasn't for our kids, they is a good chance we would move in together and get married. Ironically...Based on where we both were in our life back 20 years ago, we would not have been interested in each other..

I know people will flame me for this post..

Well...I hope you realize it will be even worse for your kids if they ever find out you've been cheating on their mother. Especially if you have daughters. You could *significantly* impact their future ability to trust a man and form a loving relationship. When you find out that the security and stability of your supposedly happy home is all based on a pack of lies, it is like the floor falling through underneath you.

+1000 I don't think pp realizes he's cheating on the whole family. Living a lie that many children would have a hard time getting over or forgiving.

Please. His wife caused this situation by abandoning the marriage. I hope he does not get caught and even if he does I can't imagine his wife should care. She hasn't given him what is clearly expected in marriage.

This is on her. I'm saying this as someone who goes maybe a week between intimacy bacause I knpw this is a critical key to a happy and connected marriage.

My DW has not hugged me in over 10 years. Do you realize what it feels like to hug someone and not be hugged back for over 10years? She forgets my birthday and our anniversary.. Plus she puts me down in front of the kids. My kids would understand why I want out of the marriage and why I am involved with who I am involved with. If the two of us could magically combine our families and live together without the S/O with issues.. We would have one big happy family. But getting to that place from the place that we are now is not an easy journey.

[Anonymous]

^^
10 years and no affection is abandonment. No judgement here. My DH craves affection and touch. I would expect him to leave me either physically or emotionally.

One thing, it is amazing the suffering people will endure in a marriage. Icould probably only suffer a year of it before starting formal separation. I do not think kids are any better off witnessing a cold deadmarriage. I think it critical that chuldren witness afferctionate, warm, loving parents. Seeing affecrion and warmth makes this their nnorm-as it should be.

I'm sorry for you, seruously get out though.

[Anonymous]

Agree with pp above. I am a child of a cold marriage that ended in divorce the minute I went to college. Both of my parents have found happiness now but I wish that they had gone after it earlier when I could have been around it more and see them in love. The damage done by just biding time until kids go to college is real. Not to hijack so I will weigh in with my own experience. Was attracted to my own DH early on. Much less so now after 10 years of being together and several kids later. We are in a once a week situation. He would like it daily probably but I am just not interested. Some issues have caused resentment on my behalf that I have expressed but there has been no resolution. This definitely presents itself in less sexual attraction for me.

[Anonymous]

To the PP in the physically and emotionally dead marriage, why do you stay? Serious question. Your kids would be fine in a divorce. And, why do you treat the woman you say is so incredible so badly? I don't judge you for seeking happiness outside the marriage. Once you've found it, why not hold it close and have all the bennifits of being a couple? Your spouse (and hers) can t ake care of themselves. What is the rationale for staying? I'd truly like to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP in the physically and emotionally dead marriage, why do you stay? Serious question. Your kids would be fine in a divorce. And, why do you treat the woman you say is so incredible so badly? I don't judge you for seeking happiness outside the marriage. Once you've found it, why not hold it close and have all the bennifits of being a couple? Your spouse (and hers) can t ake care of themselves. What is the rationale for staying? I'd truly like to know.

My kids have been the main reason that I have stayed married. I fear what my DW would become and how she would treat our kids if I divorced her. The person that I am involved with.. She is in a sexless/affection less marriage, but they co-parent a lot better than my DW and I. She has said that she is waiting for her kids to get into college. We have only been in this type of relationship for about 3 months. As our relationship gets stronger, she may decide not wait that long. Overall the situation is a lot more complicated than I am sharing... Since being in this relationship, I no longer put up with my DW putting me down and belittling main front of the kids. And my DW has ch aged for the better, but she is still cold and distant to me. My DW is not a happy person. It seems like all of her siblings have similar issues....

[Anonymous]

Initially I was. She gained a lot (+100 lbs) over the years. The weight was an issue, but no longer keeping herself up (hair, clothes, grooming) was the nail in the coffin for attraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Still crazy about DH, but he no longer finds me attractive. Two more years and I am out of here. He has no idea and will be floored.

Why in two years?

DD goes to college.

See, if you're delaying because of that, you really should wait until after college. Why would you fuck up your kid in their first semester at college?

I agree with this PP. I can't tell you the number of people I've known who divorced when kids moved out only to have DDs have breakdowns and need to be committed. Seriously, there is NEVER a good time for kids but for crying out loud, don't wait until the kid is out of the house and alone at college. Think this through. Do it while your child is with you so you can be there for them. Damn people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Initially I was. She gained a lot (+100 lbs) over the years. The weight was an issue, but no longer keeping herself up (hair, clothes, grooming) was the nail in the coffin for attraction.

100+lbs?! Woah...that would be an enormous turn off. I honestly feel responsibility to my spouse to keep witin a size or two of our wedding day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Initially I was. She gained a lot (+100 lbs) over the years. The weight was an issue, but no longer keeping herself up (hair, clothes, grooming) was the nail in the coffin for attraction.

100+lbs?! Woah...that would be an enormous turn off. I honestly feel responsibility to my spouse to keep witin a size or two of our wedding day.

Weight can be an issue if it goes too far; but the bigger issue, imho, is when the enthusiasm and effort to be sexy leaves. Often "body image issues" are either to blame or used as an excuse. BBW porn is fairly popular; but those girls aren't shy about sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a DH who is in a sexless/affection less 20 year old marriage... I have two kids.. If it was not for the kids.. I would have gotten a divorce many yeas ago.

I was sexually attracted to my DW, but I know wonder if she was ever sexually attracted to me.

I have become involved with someone who is in a sexless/affection less marriage of her own. We started out as friends and now have become a lot more than friends.. There is passion, affection, great sex and a great friendship. The chemistry between us is better than any relationship that I have ever been involved in. It has everything that our current marriages do not have. If it wasn't for our kids, they is a good chance we would move in together and get married. Ironically...Based on where we both were in our life back 20 years ago, we would not have been interested in each other..

I know people will flame me for this post..

I could be the woman with whom you are involved. I totally get it.

I wonder if you are that woman. If there was only a way to know if it was you? ? The woman that I am involved with is an incredible person. I consider myself very lucky.

How old is the woman you are involved with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a DH who is in a sexless/affection less 20 year old marriage... I have two kids.. If it was not for the kids.. I would have gotten a divorce many yeas ago.

I was sexually attracted to my DW, but I know wonder if she was ever sexually attracted to me.

I have become involved with someone who is in a sexless/affection less marriage of her own. We started out as friends and now have become a lot more than friends.. There is passion, affection, great sex and a great friendship. The chemistry between us is better than any relationship that I have ever been involved in. It has everything that our current marriages do not have. If it wasn't for our kids, they is a good chance we would move in together and get married. Ironically...Based on where we both were in our life back 20 years ago, we would not have been interested in each other..

I know people will flame me for this post..

Older than 45..

I could be the woman with whom you are involved. I totally get it.

I wonder if you are that woman. If there was only a way to know if it was you? ? The woman that I am involved with is an incredible person. I consider myself very lucky.

How old is the woman you are involved with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a DH who is in a sexless/affection less 20 year old marriage... I have two kids.. If it was not for the kids.. I would have gotten a divorce many yeas ago.

I was sexually attracted to my DW, but I know wonder if she was ever sexually attracted to me.

I have become involved with someone who is in a sexless/affection less marriage of her own. We started out as friends and now have become a lot more than friends.. There is passion, affection, great sex and a great friendship. The chemistry between us is better than any relationship that I have ever been involved in. It has everything that our current marriages do not have. If it wasn't for our kids, they is a good chance we would move in together and get married. Ironically...Based on where we both were in our life back 20 years ago, we would not have been interested in each other..

I know people will flame me for this post..

I could be the woman with whom you are involved. I totally get it.

I wonder if you are that woman. If there was only a way to know if it was you? ? The woman that I am involved with is an incredible person. I consider myself very lucky.

How old is the woman you are involved with?

Older than 45..