What to do about chronic lying, esp. about homework? Says he just can't help it.

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds like you also have a marriage problem. Perhaps some of DS's problem with homework is sensing your mixed feelings? Let DH police the school work and work with DS via phone, skype, etc. Follow your instincts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some point he needs to internalize both his responsibility for homework, and the grades he earns. The more involved you are, the less concerned he needs to be about it (because you are doing it for him).

I would back off and let him be 100% responsible for doing his homework (or not), and for the fallout from not doing homework.

That was a dismal failure with us. Our kid just isn't up to the organizational requirements of his teachers (who all have their own system - I am barely up for the challenge). If I leave it all to him, he will end up miserable in school when his work isn't done (since he won't have done the reading and won't know what's going on and that doesn't work for him). This will be followed by withdrawal and disengagement. With my kid's personality, we will create an underachiever with enough ability to pull it off, but we'll have a disengaged and unhappy underachiever. Yes, he needs to internalize it, but he has to internalize it in bite-sized pieces.

Totally agree with PP on this for our daughter too. Yes she needs to learn to handle it on her own but one teachers requirements overwhelm her current capacity to cope and she feels like a failure. So we leave her to her own devices in all but that one class. Also having her tested in this area. There is a reasonable middle way that I think is highly variable according to individual kids needs.

[Anonymous]

I too think there is a reasonable middle way. We have two boys 13 & 15 both of whom will lie about their homework given the chance. We no longer ask whether your homework is done. Instead, we set aside time after dinner for homework and I check the homework of the youngest.

The independent school they attend is big on the Blessings of a Skinned Knee philosophy but when I asked my sons' advisors if we should back off the answer was a resounding no in both cases. We don't reward for good grades or punish for bad grades but we are involved with making sure things are completed. It is a lot of work to strike the right balance because they also do need to learn to internalize the responsibility. The 15 year old is getting there but it is just a slower process than I see with my friends who have girls (not to over-generalize but it is so true!).

[Anonymous]

If your child has diagnosed ADHD, that often goes along with an executive functioning disorder. This is a real learning disability and shouldn't be shrugged off with "let him learn from his mistakes."

Does your child have a 504 plan? if so, are there accommodations related to organization and are the teachers implementing them? If not, I would consider asking for an EMT meeting and getting him a 504.

My child's therapist helped us come up with a plan, and the important thing is that my DC is the one who proposed it. Every afternoon we look at the agenda, and one of her accommodations is that the teachers also sign off on it daily. If there's no info for a class, we confirm in Edline.

If this causes too much angst, you could go to a weekly check for longterm projects, with some consequences for missed work, or more accurately, an earned privilege for getting all assignments completed and turned in.

You could, at the time you look at Edline, also make sure that long term projects are entered into the agenda with interim deadlines.

Some of my child's teachers have also allowed her to scan and email work to them as soon as it's finished. This might be a good solution if the issue is actually handing in completed work -- my child was letting completed homework ride around in her binder for a week without handing it in.

Please don't let people just say that your son just needs to straighten up or learn by failing. He may not be able to without help and guidance. If this is part of his LD, he will need understanding as well as support. This doesn't mean that you make excuses for lost work, but that you work with the school and teachers to get real supports in place. Sometimes this requires a 504 or IEP to give it "teeth."

Also, talk to the doctor about the med situation. If your son has a long day, meds are probably wearing off. If he needs them for school, he need them for homework! There are solutions like boosters or a patch that will help him get an adequate dose and still allow for sleep.

Good luck OP. You are a good mom to be trying to find solutions!

[Anonymous]

OP - I posted before. After a disastrous interim report, we cracked down on monitoring. Kid's grades moved back to acceptable (meaning, he got what he got with most work turned in and most tests studied for). He had some luck, too. Now said child is convinced that he is god's gift, and our "meddling" only had negative effects and made him do worse.

That is completely BS (because there's nowhere to go but up from "didn't do it") but I don't think kid is lying, because the child has totally internalized his own stupid story.

In other words, I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

When we were teens, technology was definitely an issue that parents of kids just a little older than us didn't have to deal with (I'm in my mid 20s, brother now in his early 20s). We obviously had no iPhones, tablets, etc. but internet was a big issue when we hit middle and high school. My mom cracked down by setting a timer that went off at midnight on the router. She said that if we couldn't get our homework done by midnight, it was our own damn fault. There were other consequences (grounding, no car use, etc.) But eventually my parents also had to let us learn from our own mistakes a little too. Both of us ended up with less than perfect transcripts, but never screwed up to the point where we couldn't get into college.

[Anonymous]

You are nagging him, which is why he lies about it being done. Just tell him you trust he will have it done before the due date. He knows you will find out the truth eventually, so it is up to him whether or not the truth is good or bad.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like your child could be a little addicted, or at least overly invested, in screen time... to the point where you and he don't even know what he'd do with himself if he didn't have it.

I would definitely use this to your advantage.... remove all screen time use until he proves he can complete his homework and not lie about it!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he should be doing his homework in the morning plus free periods during school while his meds are still working. Could you sign him up for an in school study hall? Also, maybe he should take a short break to get him from school, but then do his homework in the afternoons. Maybe he could do activities at night.

[Anonymous]

My only caution is this: You can keep doing this for him all through high school and when he gets to college he will FAIL miserably. My DH's mom used to stay up typing his papers for him until 2am, let him stay home "sick" if he didn't finish assignments, etc. He graduated a very prestigious prep school with straight As. In college, his GPA was so low, he lost his scholarship and then actually had beg for them to let him graduate. If he can't do it for himself now, when will he learn?