What to do about chronic lying, esp. about homework? Says he just can't help it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, the assignment book has check-boxes for each assignment.

Re internalizing his responsibility: I'm glad to hear my personal viewpoint reiterated but the problem is my husband can't tolerate leaving him to possibly fail. It's possible DS would find his inner student if we just left him to his own devices, however when we have done that experimentally in the past, DS got a string of C's and D's. (Despite doing very well on tests.)

In addition, DH feels that when teachers report undone homework or projects, or give failing grades it is a parental failing not to intervene with the kid in some way (lecturing, consequences, etc.) DH travels a lot so he finds fault with me if I don't keep on DS's case.

Another complication is that if there is an assignment to be done on the computer, DS will appear to be working but instead will be web-surfing. Blocking unrelated websites is difficult and DS will still surf what he is left with, and continue to waste time.

This is a very common problem with "absentee" parents. They think they know from afar what the child needs. Doesn't work that way. Dad should defer to mom who is "on the scene". He wants to be Mr Nice Guy Dad, but it really causes much damage to the child he so loves and misses.

I wouldn't call Dad absentee. It's hard to watch your kid fail, knowing that GPA does matter down the road and knowing that they are capable of As. This is classic helicopter parenting, not absentee.

If Dad has a FT downtown office job, he is absentee for most of the time, not to mention the business traveling. It's just a simple fact of our life sometimes.

[Anonymous]

^ It sounds like helicopter spousing. Ugh, I hate that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you check Edline (MCPS Middle School, online grading) every Friday? Any zeros mean loss of computer access for the weekend?

This opens up another can of worms...I know this sounds crazy but I don't know what he'd do with himself if he didn't have weekend screentime. He has one hobby: Robotics; which requires the computer. And if friends come over they do gaming up to his 3-hour limit and then they go home and he sits around and mopes or reads the small range of books he's interested in. He will (reluctantly) go on outings (such as hikes or bike rides) with us but not by himself.

[Anonymous]

Kid seems chronically depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you check Edline (MCPS Middle School, online grading) every Friday? Any zeros mean loss of computer access for the weekend?

This opens up another can of worms...I know this sounds crazy but I don't know what he'd do with himself if he didn't have weekend screentime. He has one hobby: Robotics; which requires the computer. And if friends come over they do gaming up to his 3-hour limit and then they go home and he sits around and mopes or reads the small range of books he's interested in. He will (reluctantly) go on outings (such as hikes or bike rides) with us but not by himself.

He'd do his homework! Reading his assigned chapters for the group novel, making up homework he missed (even if he still gets a zero). One weekend of hard consequences will do the trick, especially since he is so attached to the laptop.

Let him mope. Let him whine. Stand your ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kid seems chronically depressed.

Really, he sounds quite average to me. I have two middle school aged boys that can easily fall into this routine.

In my mind, he's so into the hobby (screen time) that he has a "to hell with everything else" attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kid seems chronically depressed.

Really, he sounds quite average to me. I have two middle school aged boys that can easily fall into this routine.

In my mind, he's so into the hobby (screen time) that he has a "to hell with everything else" attitude.

So how do you deal with that? They have each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you check Edline (MCPS Middle School, online grading) every Friday? Any zeros mean loss of computer access for the weekend?

This opens up another can of worms...I know this sounds crazy but I don't know what he'd do with himself if he didn't have weekend screentime. He has one hobby: Robotics; which requires the computer. And if friends come over they do gaming up to his 3-hour limit and then they go home and he sits around and mopes or reads the small range of books he's interested in. He will (reluctantly) go on outings (such as hikes or bike rides) with us but not by himself.

He'd do his homework! Reading his assigned chapters for the group novel, making up homework he missed (even if he still gets a zero). One weekend of hard consequences will do the trick, especially since he is so attached to the laptop.

Let him mope. Let him whine. Stand your ground.

I agree. The kid sounds spoiled, but it's not too late to help him help himself. Maybe a counselor, a personal coach, of sorts.

[Anonymous]

What daily chores does he do on his own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I agree. The kid sounds spoiled, but it's not too late to help him help himself. Maybe a counselor, a personal coach, of sorts.

What for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kid seems chronically depressed.

Really, he sounds quite average to me. I have two middle school aged boys that can easily fall into this routine.

In my mind, he's so into the hobby (screen time) that he has a "to hell with everything else" attitude.

So how do you deal with that? They have each other?

I let them fail and then take away privileges (for lying or other issues). Screen time is earned. Also, I WOTH and if things get really bad, then they will have to go to the aftercare study program. They are keenly aware. It's not a threat, we set the expectation at the beginning of the year.

As & Bs = more privileges & they can be a latchkey kid for 2 hours, 3 times a week (the other two days are volunteer for service hours).

Cs & Ds = aftercare (aka homework babysitter)

[Anonymous]

OP here. This is very helpful. Volunteer service hours - wow! I can't even imagine my son being willing to show up for that. How and where do they do that? Maybe I should look into that, as a way to get DS to think beyond his own concerns.

I favor stepping out of the consequences business, and just let the school's consequence system work. If I don't ask him about the homework he won't have to lie.
The school has enough built-in consequences for not doing the work, including after-care requirement for repeated missed homework.

I am going to talk DH into trying again with the hands-off approach: I guess we'll have to tell the teachers what we're doing; I can imagine they will wonder what happened when he goes 3 weeks without doing a stitch of homework (which I fully anticipate).

[Anonymous]

I have a 9 year old and I'm reading this with interest. At what age should a kid be doing homework unassisted?

My son doesn't get much homework. I let him decide whether he does it in the evening or in the morning. I help him if he need/wants help. I am sure that my DH thinks I help too much, but DS and I don't have much conflict about homework. He's also pretty honest becuase he knows I won't make him do it if he doesn't want to. He says, "I have 2 math worksheets, but I don't want to do them." and I say, "Well, what will Miss M say? Will it be a big deal? Will you have to do it at recess?" And he says, "Well, OK, I'll do it."

We do have conflict about other things (him wanting to eat fruit snacks right at bedtime, him wanting to stay and play with his friends at school for hours while I stand around watching in the cold, him showing favoritism to one of his brothers. . . ).

[Anonymous]

Op, is it possible your son has an LD or ADHD? Maybe consider having him tested?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is very helpful. Volunteer service hours - wow! I can't even imagine my son being willing to show up for that. How and where do they do that? Maybe I should look into that, as a way to get DS to think beyond his own concerns.

I favor stepping out of the consequences business, and just let the school's consequence system work. If I don't ask him about the homework he won't have to lie.
The school has enough built-in consequences for not doing the work, including after-care requirement for repeated missed homework.

I am going to talk DH into trying again with the hands-off approach: I guess we'll have to tell the teachers what we're doing; I can imagine they will wonder what happened when he goes 3 weeks without doing a stitch of homework (which I fully anticipate).

The school should have a list of Service Hours opportunities. Mine volunteer at the community center (setting up rooms, cleaning, helping with any programs going on that day) and last semester my oldest helped the art teacher for an hour each day. He said he mostly cleaned paint brushes, jars, helped organize supplies. I think you can also volunteer at the school library re-stocking shelves. If you stay after school than you take the activity bus home, an hour later than dismissal.