What to do about chronic lying, esp. about homework? Says he just can't help it.

[Anonymous]

My 14 year-old is always lying to us about whether his homework is done. Most recently (but it happens all the time), last night he told us he was done, I said "can I see" and he admitted that it wasn't done and apologized very sad and sweet saying "I don't know why I always do this". He couldn't finish it before bed so he asked me to get him up early to finish, which I did. He set to work after a quick breakfast and after a while he said he was done. Again I said, can I see it as I asked last night? He then admitted it wasn't done. Again he apologized and said he knew his lying hurts us both. I asked him what he thought he would achieve and of course he said, "not having to finish it." To which I said, your grades will suffer and you won't get a smart phone (the reward for all A's and B's by end of year) and he said "I know but I just can't help it."

[Anonymous]

He also lies about whether he was doing work on the computer or just surfing the web. (He is not allowed to erase the history.)

[Anonymous]

Maybe you can make him a calendar or a checklist or something akin to a sticker chart so he can check it off. He may have trouble focusing and being able to check something off could help?

[Anonymous]

At some point he needs to internalize both his responsibility for homework, and the grades he earns. The more involved you are, the less concerned he needs to be about it (because you are doing it for him).

I would back off and let him be 100% responsible for doing his homework (or not), and for the fallout from not doing homework.

[Anonymous]

Let him fail. My son saw what a huge hit two zeros did to his grade. He was shocked and now (for the time being) seems to be on top of it again.

[Anonymous]

Read "Punished by Rewards".
Give your child a chance to turn his life around.
And forget about the cell phone...

[Anonymous]

The punishment for lying should be more quickly realized. A smart phone that he wasn't going to get until the end of the year anyways isn't tangible. He lies today, he suffers for it today not 4 months down the road.

[Anonymous]

OP here, the assignment book has check-boxes for each assignment.

Re internalizing his responsibility: I'm glad to hear my personal viewpoint reiterated but the problem is my husband can't tolerate leaving him to possibly fail. It's possible DS would find his inner student if we just left him to his own devices, however when we have done that experimentally in the past, DS got a string of C's and D's. (Despite doing very well on tests.)

In addition, DH feels that when teachers report undone homework or projects, or give failing grades it is a parental failing not to intervene with the kid in some way (lecturing, consequences, etc.) DH travels a lot so he finds fault with me if I don't keep on DS's case.

Another complication is that if there is an assignment to be done on the computer, DS will appear to be working but instead will be web-surfing. Blocking unrelated websites is difficult and DS will still surf what he is left with, and continue to waste time.

[Anonymous]

What would be a good punishment for lying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, the assignment book has check-boxes for each assignment.

Re internalizing his responsibility: I'm glad to hear my personal viewpoint reiterated but the problem is my husband can't tolerate leaving him to possibly fail. It's possible DS would find his inner student if we just left him to his own devices, however when we have done that experimentally in the past, DS got a string of C's and D's. (Despite doing very well on tests.)

In addition, DH feels that when teachers report undone homework or projects, or give failing grades it is a parental failing not to intervene with the kid in some way (lecturing, consequences, etc.) DH travels a lot so he finds fault with me if I don't keep on DS's case.

Another complication is that if there is an assignment to be done on the computer, DS will appear to be working but instead will be web-surfing. Blocking unrelated websites is difficult and DS will still surf what he is left with, and continue to waste time.

This is a very common problem with "absentee" parents. They think they know from afar what the child needs. Doesn't work that way. Dad should defer to mom who is "on the scene". He wants to be Mr Nice Guy Dad, but it really causes much damage to the child he so loves and misses.

[Anonymous]

Can you check Edline (MCPS Middle School, online grading) every Friday? Any zeros mean loss of computer access for the weekend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would be a good punishment for lying?

It depends. "Natural consequences" are always best. At his age, OP, let him suffer his own consequences at school. Just don't be rewarding him either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, the assignment book has check-boxes for each assignment.

Re internalizing his responsibility: I'm glad to hear my personal viewpoint reiterated but the problem is my husband can't tolerate leaving him to possibly fail. It's possible DS would find his inner student if we just left him to his own devices, however when we have done that experimentally in the past, DS got a string of C's and D's. (Despite doing very well on tests.)

In addition, DH feels that when teachers report undone homework or projects, or give failing grades it is a parental failing not to intervene with the kid in some way (lecturing, consequences, etc.) DH travels a lot so he finds fault with me if I don't keep on DS's case.

Another complication is that if there is an assignment to be done on the computer, DS will appear to be working but instead will be web-surfing. Blocking unrelated websites is difficult and DS will still surf what he is left with, and continue to waste time.

This is a very common problem with "absentee" parents. They think they know from afar what the child needs. Doesn't work that way. Dad should defer to mom who is "on the scene". He wants to be Mr Nice Guy Dad, but it really causes much damage to the child he so loves and misses.

I wouldn't call Dad absentee. It's hard to watch your kid fail, knowing that GPA does matter down the road and knowing that they are capable of As. This is classic helicopter parenting, not absentee.

[Anonymous]

Clearly this is your husband's issue then. He can take responsibility for monitoring your son to the standard that he sees fit. He travels a lot? TFB. Figure it out. I will bet that if you required your husband to take responsibility for his beliefs, suddenly it wouldn;t be so important any more. My husband and I often disagree on what amount of assistance our daughter receives from us. He thinks she should be coddled and cossetted until she leaves for college. He thinks we should be checking her homework and talking to her teachersa daily. I do not and I will not do either of those things. I ask her what she has for homework and if she has the supplies she needs. It is her responsibility to tell me if she needs extra time for something or supplies. He knows better than to tell me that this is my job to supervise to his standards. If it is important to him, he can do it. Guess what. It doesn't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you check Edline (MCPS Middle School, online grading) every Friday? Any zeros mean loss of computer access for the weekend?

He should have no "optional" screentime until you are satisfied with his grades.