Appreciation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thank you everyone for the great tips and all the thoughts... It really helps to spell things out and read the feedback...

I wanted to share some background to our relationship with H.
When we met he was separated, I was a single professional, both in their early 30s. He told me how his wife was "concentrated on the child", did not care for him anymore, became very "suburban" in her boss and dreams- wanted to have a big house, two kids, etc etc. I now understand that there were huge red flags- these "she's not taking care of me" ideas, not too interested in kids, lazy. I was not completely innocent, but had zero understanding of married life- so I took his complaints at face value.

He was very much attracted to me. He files for divorce (he had a 6 yo daughter), we move in together quickly. He is not crazy about being a father but does whatever needs to be done (child support, seeing his daughter, etc). He does not want more kids but agrees to that if ts important to me.

I really like him, sexual attraction, even love- but I have a hard time respecting him. He has no college degree and thinks its ok to just get a degree from a third tier college (which he does while living with me); he is a good professional but seems to make chaotic career choices; he has some debt and seems to be less than perfect in his financial decisions. We argue a lot on things from politics to video games; we are very different but committed to make it work.
I tried to break up with him several times but it seems I had some motherly instinct towards him plus physical attraction plus I wanted to settle down and he seemed so accessible so to speak.
We got married and had a baby and things just went downhill from there... I was a bit overly hormonal at first, he on the other hand was not always helpful and understanding, but expected love and passion from me... As things went back to normal (or rather the new normal), I did regain some of my attraction to him, but probably not enough for him, plus he was hurt, plus he wasn't exactly the most attentive and helpful spouse and parent, so somehow things didn't get better (even though I was now able to devote more time to him). I suddenly discovered that I have an immature guy for a partner, who does not know and does not want to know how to be a good parent...

This is of course just one side of the story. I admit to being too focused on the child as opposed to husband/work/life; but as I feel I am slowly becoming more balanced, somehow H does not see this dynamic...or so it seems, as he gets more and more resentful and criticizing.

SOMETHING must have led you to marry your husband. Was it solely physical attraction? You thought you could fix him? Can you tell us any good things about him instead of all negatives? There has to be something positive about him that you can focus on - take baby steps.

[Anonymous]

18:28 here again. The reason why I ask if there is anything positive about him that you can really hone in and make him start to feel respected and appreciated again is because from reading your side of the story, you make it very clear that you feel you settled. But yet you state you are committed to making it work.

Respect is HUGE. Please start thinking back to what made you want to marry him in the first place - for both of your sakes I hope it was more than he was "accessible." There is a "new normal" after kids, yes, but respect is a core foundation of any marriage and if you never had that to begin with I'm having a hard time seeing how this is going to work out.

[Anonymous]

I liked that he was so ready to give plenty of physical contact; that he was very generous; open to new things; so involved in his work and never stagnating in his job.
I liked it how I could almost always have my way with him.
He would let me do my own thing.

Unfortunately I don't need so much physical contact anymore, plus with my increased dependency on him he is becoming less and less permissive. Financial dependency is only part of it; when I was working it was my dependency on him as partner in childrearing...

[Anonymous]

Do you still feel attracted to him physically, or you don't think you need physical contact in general (not just from him)? Have you gone for a checkup to rule out potential reasons why you might not be feeling like you need physical contact? Depression, perhaps? At some point, you're going to have to dig a little deeper and have some frank talks with him about whether this is in fact a sustainable relationship if neither you nor he is willing to put in the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:18:28 here again. The reason why I ask if there is anything positive about him that you can really hone in and make him start to feel respected and appreciated again is because from reading your side of the story, you make it very clear that you feel you settled. But yet you state you are committed to making it work.

Respect is HUGE. Please start thinking back to what made you want to marry him in the first place - for both of your sakes I hope it was more than he was "accessible." There is a "new normal" after kids, yes, but respect is a core foundation of any marriage and if you never had that to begin with I'm having a hard time seeing how this is going to work out.

This is a key question for me- was there no respect from the beginning because I am just not capable of respecting my partner? Will I always flee from those I respect (and think myself not worthy)?
Or was it a one time mistake, I just settled for someone I didn't respect, but in theory with another guy I can do better?
Or am I downplaying my feelings for him? This is not very likely as I remember this problem of respect being very acute for me.

I think I was hoping to make it work since I thought he would play along with whatever I suggest. But at some point things went wrong so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you still feel attracted to him physically, or you don't think you need physical contact in general (not just from him)? Have you gone for a checkup to rule out potential reasons why you might not be feeling like you need physical contact? Depression, perhaps? At some point, you're going to have to dig a little deeper and have some frank talks with him about whether this is in fact a sustainable relationship if neither you nor he is willing to put in the effort.

I am not attracted to him, but not repulsed, either. I like hugs and kisses (but could do without), but prefer to sleep in pj's and would love to have own blanket (but maintain sleeping under same blanket for H's sake). I sometimes feel that I was too close first to H and then the baby when he was younger, that I just want to sleep alone- it's overload!
Also, we do bedtime snuggles and morning snuggles with my son- I think this satisfies it partially...H for some reason is not into snuggles with DS at all.
As for purely sexual contact, I am ashamed to say I started to prefer masturbation to have an orgasm, and I am having vivid dreams of other men, despite the fact that we do have sex with H a couple times a week... It's almost like its too much of a drag to do it with H?
I wonder if its hormonal- but then I wouldn't be having all those dreams?
In short, I am interested in sex but much less than before and maybe not with H

[Anonymous]

He seems weak, needy, and unreliable.

[Anonymous]

You had an affair with a married man. Who immediately divorced and spent zero time reflecting on why his first marriage floundered. And then remarried and repeated his actions again. That's the problem in a nutshell.

[Anonymous]

You have serious issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You had an affair with a married man. Who immediately divorced and spent zero time reflecting on why his first marriage floundered. And then remarried and repeated his actions again. That's the problem in a nutshell.

He was separated and he said he didn't file for divorce only because he didn't feel the need to (felt it was a formality).
I think my problem was not noticing/disregarding red flags.

[Anonymous]

*he was separated a long time

[Anonymous]

Well there you go, OP. You got people to agree that your husband is an asshole and you are a saint. Now you don't need to appreciate him. You can just keep feeling the way you do. You gotthe validation you were looking for that your therapist didn't give you.

This is a great board to come to when you are looking for other man haters to side with you. They are pretty much a dime a dozen here.

[Anonymous]

My DH gets upset when I critsize him - he feels unappreciated for all that he does.

We both work, yet I shoulder the majority of household work - cleaning and cooking, laundry, kid, etc.

yes, he did play with DC this morning to let me sleep in. But I made the beds, did laundry, took DC to activities all day, got groceries, cooked dinner.

So to me expecting praise for this is ridiculous because no one is thanking me for all I fo every day. It's just taken gor granted.

[Anonymous]

I'm getting the sense that perhaps your self-admitted focus on your child may be turning your husband off. Do you criticize him for doing things with your child "wrong" - not the way you would do them but still fine? I hope that you have given him a chance to be an equal partner in parenting and haven't adopted a my way or the highway attitude. He obviously feels your rejection and that's leading to his behavior. It's a two way street here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well there you go, OP. You got people to agree that your husband is an asshole and you are a saint. Now you don't need to appreciate him. You can just keep feeling the way you do. You gotthe validation you were looking for that your therapist didn't give you.

This is a great board to come to when you are looking for other man haters to side with you. They are pretty much a dime a dozen here.

I think only one or two people called H a villain so to speak.
So even if I was looking for this, I didn't get it