Appreciation?

[Anonymous]

So, I am in therapy now as our relationship with H has hit the impasse it seems. Long story short, he thinks I am a boring, fat woman with no interests beyond our child, and criticizes my methods of child rearing, while not really participating. My side of the story is that he has always been a less than average dad, not interested, not helping, not participating; rude at times; however he brings home the bacon, and sometimes plays with our child or is able to lend a hand.
As a result of this, he nitpicks on me, tries to control financially, etc. And I lost all interest in him except as father and breadwinner.
The therapist tells me that I need to appreciate the things he does, and not just criticize him. While I understand this in theory, I am having a hard time implementing this. Should I appreciate what I see as basic care, like having a job and very occasionally engaging with own child? Really? She says that until I truly appreciate, I am not free to decide whether I want to stay or leave...
I have been thinking about it a lot, appreciate any insight.

[Anonymous]

I think what your therapist is trying to get you to see is that some of the negative attitude you have towards your husband comes from the (very critical) dynamic between you and not from an accurate appraisal of who your husband is.

Of course you should appreciate the work that he does and you should appreciate him as a father. Why would you not appreciate those things. Do you not want to be appreciated for the work you do and the role you play as mother?

[Anonymous]

OP: I just cannot rake up these feelings in me. I feel like he is just doing the bare minimum. He pays the bills and spends very little time with his son. How do I learn to appreciate something that is basic in my view? This is barely enough to not get kicked out, honestly...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I just cannot rake up these feelings in me. I feel like he is just doing the bare minimum. He pays the bills and spends very little time with his son. How do I learn to appreciate something that is basic in my view? This is barely enough to not get kicked out, honestly...

Maybe start on a very basic level of appreciation. what would you miss if he was gone?

Would you miss not having someone to mow the lawn?
Would you miss the income he works for?
Would you miss seeing your son playing with his dad?
Would you miss having someone there to be with your son when you need/want to do something else?

Start with appreciating those very simple things that he does that make your life or your son's life easier or better.

[Anonymous]

Appreciation isn't just about going above and beyond. Appreciation can be for the mundane, routine, boring tasks too. think about teaching your son to say thank you. Do you teach him to only say thank you if someone does something special or do you teach him to say thank you for the routine, expected things.

In our house we thank people and show appreciation for the little mundane things all the time. Thank you for cooking dinner, thank you for putting the clothes away, thank you for helping me move that desk, etc...

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP.

Maybe set a goal tomorrow of thanking DH three times for small things. Try it for a week. See what happens.

He may start engaging more. (I would).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Appreciation isn't just about going above and beyond. Appreciation can be for the mundane, routine, boring tasks too. think about teaching your son to say thank you. Do you teach him to only say thank you if someone does something special or do you teach him to say thank you for the routine, expected things.

In our house we thank people and show appreciation for the little mundane things all the time. Thank you for cooking dinner, thank you for putting the clothes away, thank you for helping me move that desk, etc...

Well said. A simple thank you goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

Definitely agree with PPs. OP, appreciation can be as simple as please and thank you.

When he does interact with your child, praise him when he does so, e.g., "Little Jimmy really liked playing cars with you."

Small steps.

[Anonymous]

OP: if he were gone, I would miss his income, and his occasional distraction of the child (so that I can get a break).
Yet so many things I WON'T miss! It's hard...

I do thank him but unfortunately not whole heartedly. As these are very basic things like cooking dinner once in a while...

[Anonymous]

You keep referring to his contributions as "basic." Most of life is routine and basic. Don't dismiss the small stuff people do.

[Anonymous]

Op, you have your heels dug in and your arms crossed and you are being dragged into being appreciative like a stubborn donkey.

If you are going to give therapy and the marriage a chance, which it seems you want to, you have to give yourself permission to see and do things differently. You can try and be sincerely appreciative without having to say he is the world's greatest dad or husband. It seems you feel if you say something nice, you also need to say something critical to make sure he (and even us) know that he really isn't all that great. You need to let go of that. By being appreciative you aren't relieving him of his responsibility to step up to the plate, you are just choosing to shift the dynamic slightly and in doing so he may respond differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: if he were gone, I would miss his income, and his occasional distraction of the child (so that I can get a break).
Yet so many things I WON'T miss! It's hard...

I do thank him but unfortunately not whole heartedly. As these are very basic things like cooking dinner once in a while...

So much of family life is basic stuff, repeated over and over again. I could find probably find dozens of things to thank my DH for every day and none of it is particularly earth shattering. Thanks for...refreshing my coffee, putting my phone on charge, picking up the dog poop, remembering to get milk, going to your job everyday so we have or do x,y and z...

What you focus on grows and if you want to give your marriage a chance, you have to focus on what is working.

You will need to try to let go of the negativity that you feel towards your husband (at least for now - plenty of time for that if you end up divorcing) so you can see what actually happens when you show your DH more appreciation. It may improve your marriage and the way you feel about it. It may not, but it will be impossible to connect with him when you are 'thanking' him while gritting your teeth and continually coming from a place of anger and resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I am in therapy now as our relationship with H has hit the impasse it seems. Long story short, he thinks I am a boring, fat woman with no interests beyond our child, and criticizes my methods of child rearing, while not really participating. My side of the story is that he has always been a less than average dad, not interested, not helping, not participating; rude at times; however he brings home the bacon, and sometimes plays with our child or is able to lend a hand.
As a result of this, he nitpicks on me, tries to control financially, etc. And I lost all interest in him except as father and breadwinner.
The therapist tells me that I need to appreciate the things he does, and not just criticize him. While I understand this in theory, I am having a hard time implementing this. Should I appreciate what I see as basic care, like having a job and very occasionally engaging with own child? Really? She says that until I truly appreciate, I am not free to decide whether I want to stay or leave...
I have been thinking about it a lot, appreciate any insight.

Sound like he has lost interest in you too except as the mother and the maid. To me you are both even. It sounds lile he sometimes helps arou d the house and sometimes helps with the kid. I'm guessing you never bring home the bacon...so all in all he contributes more.

BTW as a SAHM there is zero excuse for you to be fat. Thats just plain old lazy.

[Anonymous]

If you criticize all that he does, it is not going to make him want to do more. It will make him want to avoid and resent you.

If you can't understand what having a father around does for your son, then maybe you shouldn't be a parent. It's not just about you. You sound like a child throwing a tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you criticize all that he does, it is not going to make him want to do more. It will make him want to avoid and resent you.

If you can't understand what having a father around does for your son, then maybe you shouldn't be a parent. It's not just about you. You sound like a child throwing a tantrum.

So true. What a selfish cow.

Poor guy, he has to come home to this. Looks like she will walk. All in all the guy will be better off. At least he can start again with a woman who is grateful and make a new family, leaving this horrible woman in the dust. She doesn't exactly sound like a catch.