IF husband has borderline personality disorder- a death sentence for the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, you say this is your new therapist. How many times have you met with this woman? Could a therapist even diagnose their *own* patient as BPD after just one or two sessions?

Highly doubtful.

signed,

a therapist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And beyond the rages, gas-lighting and crazy-making, am I also supposed to accept the serial infidelity as well?

All of these questions are discussed and addressed at length in the book and in the google group forum. You cannot change her. You can only change the way you react to her which, over time, could help her to change in relation to you.

Most of what is currently on the internet is very biased against those with BPD -- almost to the point of demonizing them. Spouses are encouraged to set limits (which won't work) or boundaries (which is a concept misunderstood, as Bon Dobbs explains brilliantly), or "detach with love". You can read Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger, who has no credentials and is consumed by her hatred of those with BPD, and you will feel very validated, and you will probably get divorced. She will not provide you with the tools you need to save your relationship.

Bon Dobbs' book is a staying book. I have found the techniques very helpful in dealing with my child.

I'm not going to post again. It's not that I don't feel your frustration. But I've helped you all that I can. Sign in to the google group. Talk to other people who are in the same position you are. Order the book. See what you think. There are a lot of books about BPD out there right now. Some are dangerous. I'm trying to point you in a direction that will give your relationship a chance and lend some clarity to your decision.

[Anonymous]

Thankfully, although I read this book, I did not buy it. The author basically expects any "good" Non to forgo their own wants and needs to accommodate their BP, and does not consider what any reputable therapist or intelligent person recognizes as abusive behavior as being abusive. The only choice he presents is to live your life around their disorder, look the other way when you are abused, and call that a "calm" relationship. His techniques, at best, might alleviate some of the immediate "sting" from the constant abnormal encounters with a BP, but that's about it. You still end up in a totally one-sided, abnormal, abusive relationship- for as long as you stay in it. While I do have compassion for BPs, the fact that most of them can control their behavior in front of everyone except their closest "victims" tells me that they have enough awareness about their unacceptable behavior to know it is wrong. For any person to be made to feel it is their duty to sacrifice their own happiness and peace of mind for a person who does not even care about them is ridiculous. And why would any sane person want to settle for a chosen relationship that is so hurtful and destructive? Because the BP blames them for their own behavior and bad moods? The only circumstance under which I can agree is when it is a dependent child who is the BP- and even then, I would insist on therapy for that child to help them get a handle on their illness as opposed to inflicting their pain onto others for as long as they live. Life is to short to willingly live in misery caused by any other person- disordered or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And beyond the rages, gas-lighting and crazy-making, am I also supposed to accept the serial infidelity as well?

All of these questions are discussed and addressed at length in the book and in the google group forum. You cannot change her. You can only change the way you react to her which, over time, could help her to change in relation to you.

Most of what is currently on the internet is very biased against those with BPD -- almost to the point of demonizing them. Spouses are encouraged to set limits (which won't work) or boundaries (which is a concept misunderstood, as Bon Dobbs explains brilliantly), or "detach with love". You can read Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger, who has no credentials and is consumed by her hatred of those with BPD, and you will feel very validated, and you will probably get divorced. She will not provide you with the tools you need to save your relationship.

Bon Dobbs' book is a staying book. I have found the techniques very helpful in dealing with my child.

I'm not going to post again. It's not that I don't feel your frustration. But I've helped you all that I can. Sign in to the google group. Talk to other people who are in the same position you are. Order the book. See what you think. There are a lot of books about BPD out there right now. Some are dangerous. I'm trying to point you in a direction that will give your relationship a chance and lend some clarity to your decision.

I think that a parenting relationship is very different from a spousal relationship, especially when you have children within that spousal relationship. A parent has unconditional love for their child; spouses choose each other presumably because they have fallen "in love." Those are wholly different relationships. There is no way I could tolerate the abusive rages of a borderline spouse and allow my own children to grow up in that. But if it were my own child with the BPD, I would find myself tolerating more and responding differently.

[Anonymous]

I am the mother of a diagnosed BPD young adult. Everyone else in the family is non-BPD, so the BPD member is surrounded by emotionally healthy people including happily married parents. Even so, the intensity and drama that this one family member can generate is astounding. We have all learned to set boundaries. I have told my BPD child many times that an intimate relationship/dating/marriage is not a good idea for them right now. DC needs to be much further along in therapy and establishing better social skills before entering a relationship. It is absolutely not fair to the other non-BPD partner to try to be in a relationship with someone who is BPD and very symptomatic. It is hard enough as a parent or sibling. It would be insane as a spouse.

The problem is that DC is bright, charming, attractive so there seem to be no shortage of people interested in a relationship. And BPD's tend to be sexually impulsive, so it has not been easy to convince DC to stay out of relationships until further along in DBT and healthier. But we discuss this, as does the therapist.

DC is adopted and has uncanny similarities to birth mother regarding behavior. The psychiatrist mentioned the genetic link and stated "borderlines often give birth to borderlines." That's another reason why we want DC to be in a healthier space before entering an intimate relationship. It's just not fair to the spouse or the child that follows. The relationships are so one-sided when the BPD is strongly symptomatic.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the World of Oz, folks. The above two posts were either brought to you by Randi Kreger or one of her sycophants. Watch how organized her thoughts are, here:

Then decide if you want to take life advice from this "advocate for family members" of those with BPD. She is incoherent and appears to be on drugs.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I also want to say that I love my BPD child through and through. We are sticking together and our family is surrounding DC with love and healthy modeling and good boundaries, to the extent we can. The parent bond is unconditional.

But if my DC were my spouse instead, I would not be able to do this. It is just too much. Unless you live in the orbit of someone with BPD, you have no idea how challenging it is.

[Anonymous]

Randi Kreger's followers have found this board!!! Expect lots of posts from more loonies, folks.

[Anonymous]

I am the mom of the BPD child. I do not know who Randi Kreger is and am definitely not an adherent of whoever that is. I live in a very remote area and have the support of my DC's psychiatrist, counselor, and family doctor. That's who I have learned about BPD from. Plus just living with a BPD child.

I speak from the heart, and from my experience alone. I hope it helps someone.

[Anonymous]

She says in the video that she has a degree in marketing!! But elsewhere she says she has a degree in journalism. She says her mom has BPD, but elsewhere she says it was her boyfriend. Her mother was never diagnosed with BPD. If you listen to her drone on long enough, you will see her admitting that her mother was actually nurturing in almost every way. But a couple times she told her that no one would want to be her friend and that she was ruining the family. So that means she has BPD.

She is a fraud. No credible therapist nor expert on BPD has anything but contempt for her.
.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the mom of the BPD child. I do not know who Randi Kreger is and am definitely not an adherent of whoever that is. I live in a very remote area and have the support of my DC's psychiatrist, counselor, and family doctor. That's who I have learned about BPD from. Plus just living with a BPD child.

I speak from the heart, and from my experience alone. I hope it helps someone.

You live in a remote area with a BPD child, and you found this board right after Bon Dobbs was mentioned, and you've never heard of Randi Kreger. Sure.

There will be lots more of these nuts to come, folks. This is what Randi does when unmasked. I'm outta here. This video speaks for itself. She's a moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to the World of Oz, folks. The above two posts were either brought to you by Randi Kreger or one of her sycophants. Watch how organized her thoughts are, here:

Then decide if you want to take life advice from this "advocate for family members" of those with BPD. She is incoherent and appears to be on drugs.

Hey, I am one of the "above two posts" you referenced. I am 7:27. First I am not Randi Kreger nor a sycophant. I have no idea who Randi Kreger is. I just wrote about how I might tolerate more behaviors from my own child versus a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And beyond the rages, gas-lighting and crazy-making, am I also supposed to accept the serial infidelity as well?

All of these questions are discussed and addressed at length in the book and in the google group forum. You cannot change her. You can only change the way you react to her which, over time, could help her to change in relation to you.

Most of what is currently on the internet is very biased against those with BPD -- almost to the point of demonizing them. Spouses are encouraged to set limits (which won't work) or boundaries (which is a concept misunderstood, as Bon Dobbs explains brilliantly), or "detach with love". You can read Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger, who has no credentials and is consumed by her hatred of those with BPD, and you will feel very validated, and you will probably get divorced. She will not provide you with the tools you need to save your relationship.

Bon Dobbs' book is a staying book. I have found the techniques very helpful in dealing with my child.

I'm not going to post again. It's not that I don't feel your frustration. But I've helped you all that I can. Sign in to the google group. Talk to other people who are in the same position you are. Order the book. See what you think. There are a lot of books about BPD out there right now. Some are dangerous. I'm trying to point you in a direction that will give your relationship a chance and lend some clarity to your decision.

I think that a parenting relationship is very different from a spousal relationship, especially when you have children within that spousal relationship. A parent has unconditional love for their child; spouses choose each other presumably because they have fallen "in love." Those are wholly different relationships. There is no way I could tolerate the abusive rages of a borderline spouse and allow my own children to grow up in that. But if it were my own child with the BPD, I would find myself tolerating more and responding differently.

I think you are stereotyping all BPDs as prone to abusive rages, but I will leave that aside for the moment.

At least you are willing to unconditionally love and support your child with BPD. Randi has different ideas. She thinks, and says in her books, that they should be separated from their siblings. She suggests that any therapist who implies that the parenting or the environment of the BPD child may be part of the problem should be shunned. She advocates keeping book on your kid. Asking one sibling to testify against another. Placing them in a hospital permanently, or maybe a residential facility. In one comment to a blog she asked you to consider how much your BPD child was costing you, and how much more of yourself should you really have to sacrifice for your child.

Needless to say, Randi Kreger is not a parent. Yet she's an expert on how to be one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to the World of Oz, folks. The above two posts were either brought to you by Randi Kreger or one of her sycophants. Watch how organized her thoughts are, here:

Then decide if you want to take life advice from this "advocate for family members" of those with BPD. She is incoherent and appears to be on drugs.

Hey, I am one of the "above two posts" you referenced. I am 7:27. First I am not Randi Kreger nor a sycophant. I have no idea who Randi Kreger is. I just wrote about how I might tolerate more behaviors from my own child versus a spouse.

Yes, I know. Of course. And I'm the President of the United States of America. Love to stay but have to work on making healthcare affordable for all.

Hugs and kisses,
Barack

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thankfully, although I read this book, I did not buy it. The author basically expects any "good" Non to forgo their own wants and needs to accommodate their BP, and does not consider what any reputable therapist or intelligent person recognizes as abusive behavior as being abusive. The only choice he presents is to live your life around their disorder, look the other way when you are abused, and call that a "calm" relationship. His techniques, at best, might alleviate some of the immediate "sting" from the constant abnormal encounters with a BP, but that's about it. You still end up in a totally one-sided, abnormal, abusive relationship- for as long as you stay in it. While I do have compassion for BPs, the fact that most of them can control their behavior in front of everyone except their closest "victims" tells me that they have enough awareness about their unacceptable behavior to know it is wrong. For any person to be made to feel it is their duty to sacrifice their own happiness and peace of mind for a person who does not even care about them is ridiculous. And why would any sane person want to settle for a chosen relationship that is so hurtful and destructive? Because the BP blames them for their own behavior and bad moods? The only circumstance under which I can agree is when it is a dependent child who is the BP- and even then, I would insist on therapy for that child to help them get a handle on their illness as opposed to inflicting their pain onto others for as long as they live. Life is to short to willingly live in misery caused by any other person- disordered or not.

You read it, but did not buy it? I am assuming you must have borrowed it from the library or a friend or took the time to read it carefully before you jumped on a board to with a book report, right? No one would claim to have "read" a book when in fact they just picked it up at a bookstore for a few moments, or read about the book someplace. So you either borrowed it from the library or a friend and have returned it. What a shame. Sometimes the book has to be read and referred to many times in order to be implemented effectively. It's the kind of book you want to hang on to.