IF husband has borderline personality disorder- a death sentence for the marriage?

[Anonymous]

My DH of almost 20 years has ADD. He had a porn addiction (I say "had" becuase he of course denies it was an addiction, though it clearly was and now he seems to be not engaging in this addiction for the present time). He has a problem with speeding. He always seemed immature in his reactions to basic things in the relationship like even having clarity on himself or why he does things the way he does. He used to do drugs, mostly weed but also some acid, some cocaine, some hash in his early adulthood before we married.

We met when I was 13 and he was 16. So we go back a long ways. However it is not until well into marriage, and after the economy tanked and his stress level went through the roof, that he had rage outbursts that got personal, with him close to my face with raised fist, for which he would apologize later. He would say he would get help and then back out. His way of distorting events and seemingly not having a central set of consistent ideals to which he could adhere, or, if he failed to, understand why, has been really apparent to me.

Eventually he did agree to treatment was diagnosed with depression/add, but has been minimally responsive to medication and seems to get nowhere with his doctors. I am now beginning to think that when he goes there he is reporting inaccurately.

I met with my new therapist today and she proposed, from my description, the possibility of borderline personality disorder. While some elements dont quite fit, enough do to make me go, well, basically "oh god."

Trouble is, I went in there today from a place of "Ive had it- I am done." with his patterns. She said she was presenting this to me as a way of possibly making sense of what I am seeing, and being able to beless confounded.

Anyone dealt with this diagnosis? There is so much more to tell but I cant now. I really just want ot know about this possible diagnosis and if I can ever behappy in this marriage again. Im alternating between thinking it was always disappointing and it just got really worse, to knowing we love each other and maybe if he tries to overcome this, he can. He seems to want to keep the family together, but I just dont know if he is up to the gargantuan task ahead, and if I would be.

[Anonymous]

God I am so sorry. I am in a very sinilar situation as you although my husband has been seeing a psychiatrist the meds don't seem to help and I do wonder if he is reporting issues accurately. My husband has extreme (extreme!) anger issues and blames me for them and I suspect he never mentions his anger to his doctor. He cusses me out regularly when angry (idiot, bitch, cunt, fuck you, psycho, crazy, stupid, liar, harassing, ugly, menace, rude, dense, etc). I wonder and worry he has BPD. Just commiserating

[Anonymous]

OP here I hear you loud and clear 16:30. This is rather frightening.

I have to say he has many wonderful traits. He is compassionate with animals, people in general. A loving person. But something happened.

I actually know a bit about personlity disorders. I am wondering if the period in which he was NOT like this is attributable to the benefits of being married to me. I mean, he now had the security of love and caring and partnership. But quickly he showed signs of immaturity and not being up to certain things. He was 28 when we married.

THe therapist said that stress can basically bring out the behaviors but the underlying THOUGHTS of borderine personality disorder are the real problem.

At issue right now is what this all means. How and when and WHO should present this to him. What my chances are at ever being able to be in love with him again. I do love him but am very freaked out at the implicatinos of this new suggestion.

Im also very mad that no other therapist or psych has put this together before.

My husband DID tell his docs about his anger but I dont think they could possibly be getting a sense of the distortion that brings them about because he presents it to them in terms of stuff that has to do with HOW I AM TREATING HIM.

I feel very worried about what this revelation will do to him, if he even makes that connection. The therapist said that people with this disorder have no self accptance. If he keeps fucking things up royally with his behavior and destructive things said, then he will dig himself a hole so big he would never be able to get out.

[Anonymous]

He needs a full neuropsych evaluation before it can be determined that this is what he has. Then, his counselor or psychiatrist is the one to educate him in the diagnosis.

There is a good 26 minute video on a DBT website that I found. The video interviews 4 people with Borderline and the steps they took to recover. There is a married couple in the video and the non-BPD spouse has alot to say about the experience

My DC was diagnosed with this over the summer, and is now doing DBT. Also medication. It's a long road, but DC is so much more reasonable now that daily medication is happening!

[Anonymous]

Borderline Personality Disorder is the new black these days.

No therapist has any business opining that someone may have BPD unless that therapist has evaluated the person. BPD is very difficult to diagnose -- you don't do it secondhand.

And your therapist is wrong. BPD is not all about thoughts. It is all about emotions. The emotions always come first. Then the thoughts. Then the actions. BPD is about emotion disregulation.

And yes, there are successful treatments for BPD. The include Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Schema Therapy, and Mentalization Based therapy. Many people with BPD get better.

I also recommend reading "When Hope is not Enough" by Bon Dobbs and visiting his website www.anythingtostopthepain.com. He can give you tools to save your marriage.

But that's not what you want to hear. You want a pass to leave your spouse, and I'll leave everyone else on DCUM to give it to you. No mental illness is more stigmatized or more misunderstood than BPD. So grab yourself a copy of Randi Kreger's Stop Walking on Eggshells, a couple cookies and a nice cup of tea. That book will have you filing for divorce before you can finish it. And since it so terribly written, that may be half the reason.

[Anonymous]

Thank you previous poster.

First, I did not quote te therapist properly She did not diagnose him, she said its a possibility to consider, and she said she did NOT want to pathologize him.

Secondly FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. I am NOT looking for a pass to leave. You have no fucking idea what I have been through and I have stayed for better or worse. You are making more harmful assumptions than the people you are assuming are doing the same. So fuck you.

Third. Thank you for the video and the book recs. I will definitley check it out. Because unlike you, I dont jump to conclusions. Asshole.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, 16:30 here. I feel like we're in identical situations. Do you have kids? I have one 4YO and honestly, if not for her, I would end this relationship because I don't think it's sufficiently nourishing to me to be worth all the work it will require. But because of my DC I'm really giving it a fighting chance because my husband and I will have to get to a healthy place for our child whether we stay together or not. I think what you may have to accept first, if you are deciding to try to stay, is that things may not change much, and if they change it will only be after a lot of invested time and effort. If, given that, you still want to try then roll up your sleeves, gather your support network, make sure you take good care of your own well being and go for it. But you have to be in a good place in your own skin and you have to be strong and patient.

My husband and I separated 4 months ago and in this time I have recovered from a serious depression and am regaining my own strength and now I feel I am in a place where I can work on the marriage. I don't know what will happen in the end, but if I were still in that dark place I was before, we wouldn't have a chance. You have to make sure you're OK first before you can tackle anything else.

[Anonymous]

On one more thing; not what I want to hear? YOu fucking idiot. I want to hear that this is NOT what he has, you asshole. I have been through HELL. I did NOT want to HEAR ANYthing but the way to heal this family. DH is the one failing to step up to te plate. I have had enough of his patterns. YOU ARROGANT ASSHOLE. YOu dont know anything about what I wanted to hear. HEAR THIS YOU ARE A FUCKING PRICK.

[Anonymous]

BTW, you are also an asshole.

[Anonymous]

16:30 I was not referring to you- sorry!
16:59 just went to far with his/her assuptions. Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

The husband is not the only person with issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The husband is not the only person with issues.

Coward.

[Anonymous]

I realize you are not listing every single one of your husband's problems but I don't see much at all that leads me to conclude a BPD diagnosis is appropriate. I'm also surprised that your therapist would suggest this possibility on so little information given how complicated the diagnosis process is. Finally, I think you are underestimating his previous health care providers by suggesting he could easily dupe them into missing the possibility.

I don't mean to say its impossible this diagnosis is correct. It just strikes me that you're a long way from knowing this to be the case.

[Anonymous]

I think it is very concerning that your therapist is diagnosing your husband through your description. Not a good idea at all. there are many mental illnesses that look similar on the surface and an expert needs to do a nuanced assessment to determine what is what.

I doubt you would want your husband's therapist to be diagnosing you based on what he tells them in therapy. I would be hesitant to go back to a therapist like yours who is throwing around very heavy diagnostic labels that are influencing your thinking (hence your title) based on a spouse's description.

And borderline is not a death sentence anyways. It is treatable and no longer viewed the way it once was.

[Anonymous]

Also, you say this is your new therapist. How many times have you met with this woman? Could a therapist even diagnose their *own* patient as BPD after just one or two sessions?