Reply to IF husband has borderline personality disorder- a death sentence for the marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]And beyond the rages, gas-lighting and crazy-making, am I also supposed to accept the serial infidelity as well?[/quote]

All of these questions are discussed and addressed at length in the book and in the google group forum.  You cannot change her.  You can only change the way you react to her which, over time, could help her to change in relation to you.

Most of what is currently on the internet is very biased against those with BPD -- almost to the point of demonizing them.  Spouses are encouraged to set limits (which won't work) or boundaries (which is a concept misunderstood, as Bon Dobbs explains brilliantly), or "detach with love".  You can read Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger, who has no credentials and is consumed by her hatred of those with BPD, and you will feel very validated, and you will probably get divorced.  She will not provide you with the tools you need to save your relationship.

Bon Dobbs' book is a staying book.  [b]I have found the techniques very helpful in dealing with my child.[/b]

I'm not going to post again.  It's not that I don't feel your frustration.  But I've helped you all that I can.  Sign in to the google group.  Talk to other people who are in the same position you are.  Order the book.  See what you think.  There are a lot of books about BPD out there right now.  Some are dangerous.  I'm trying to point you in a direction that will give your relationship a chance and lend some clarity to your decision.  [/quote]

I think that a parenting relationship is very different from a spousal relationship, especially when you have children within that spousal relationship. A parent has unconditional love for their child; spouses choose each other presumably because they have fallen "in love." Those are wholly different relationships. There is no way I could tolerate the abusive rages of a borderline spouse and allow my own children to grow up in that. But if it were my own child with the BPD, I would find myself tolerating more and responding differently.[/quote]

I think you are stereotyping all BPDs as prone to abusive rages, but I will leave that aside for the moment.

At least you are willing to unconditionally love and support your child with BPD.  Randi has different ideas.  She thinks, and says in her books, that they should be separated from their siblings.  She suggests that any therapist who implies that the parenting or the environment of the BPD child may be part of the problem should be shunned.  She advocates keeping book on your kid.  Asking one sibling to testify against another.  Placing them in a hospital permanently, or maybe a residential facility.  In one comment to a blog she asked you to consider how much your BPD child was costing you, and how much more of yourself should you really have to sacrifice for your child.

Needless to say, Randi Kreger is not a parent.  Yet she's an expert on how to be one.[/quote]

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