Grown children--do you help them financially?

[Anonymous]

My parents were incredibly generous with me until i graduated from school. Being broke in DC for a number of years was the best thing I have done. I found it all v empowering to have my shit together. I also paid for my own wedding when i was 26. it was a great bonding experience for me and my husband. i don't mean to blanket statement this, but i will--if you are getting help from your parents beyond the nice dinner or $50, i believe you are truly missing out on developing a side of yourself that instills good sense and confidence.

[Anonymous]

I echo everything that has been said about self sufficiency on this thread. For parents who can and want to help, I think it is better to help once in a while as a "surprise" rather than making it such that the young adult is counting on your help as part of their budgeting. That can be as small as slipping them $50 and a bag of groceries when you/they visit or it can be bigger like -- sorry you're having car trouble, here's $500 to get it up and running again or congrats on the new job - I am going to taking you shopping for 3 new business suits.

In my 20s, I lived in a more expensive city and would always try to shop for soaps/shampoo/toiletries at Walmart when I went home. I loved it when my parents occasionally paid when we got to the check out -- left an extra $20-40 in my pocket for food, transportation etc.

It is important to be responsible for all the recurring monthly bills because that's how people learn to budget and decide that while they may like a certain neighborhood, car, lunch spot etc. it is too expensive for them. Otherwise you end up in a situation where you are paying for your 20-30 something's latte daily; to them it is "free" -- so they never think about whether they should be spending $4/day or $120/month or $1440/yr on coffee.

[Anonymous]

My brother lived at home 4 years after school. 4 years of rent (saved instead of spent) equaled a 6-figure down payment for his first house. I think parents helping out is a great idea! Not like his living in their house cost them real money, since the mortgage is the same no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good God, You should not. I was one of those young people in DC - Best learning experience, ever...Lived in a group house in a ridiculously small room/alcove, never drank more than two happy hour priced beers, did all the free stuff I could muster and generally was pretty creative about my life...I always thought my peers who were getting out-patient help were very lame. And, you know, it's obvious. everyone can guess what people are making - and when your clothes are fancy, and you have a fancy place to live and you drive a hot car and you are someone's assistant - you look like a horses ass and it impacts your ability to succeed. I mean, slip your kid 50 bucks here and there, that's fine. Take them out for a nice meal when you visit, super. Buy them nice clothes for birthday's/christmas or a special surprise (and by nice, I do mean a versatile piece of work clothing or a suit or something), by all means! But make your young adult be an adult and live on a budget...please. it's good for America.

Couldn't have said this better myself. Just don't do it, OP.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got a lot of help and wasn't fully weaned off the last items (asked to leave the family phone plan, family car insurance, etc) until I was married. Honestly, it feels good to know I'm fully supporting myself now. I [/b]had never had to shop around for car insurance before and suddenly had to figure it out in my late 20s - that's kind of weird right? [/b]And PP is right that your friends definitely can tell when mom & dad are still footing some of the bills. It's embarrassing but I just didn't know how to go about getting my own plan and didn't learn until I had to.

I'm a fan of pushing for full independence upon college graduation, with potentially some help for grad school if we're able. I'm actually aiming to give less financial help to my kids when they're grown than my parents did - I'm just now figuring out how to manage things for myself compared to my friends who had to start paying some of their smaller bills in college who seem to have a better understanding of how to budget and invest now than I do.

Yes, weird. And ultimately not good for you.

[Anonymous]

My brother lived at home 4 years after school. 4 years of rent (saved instead of spent) equaled a 6-figure down payment for his first house. I think parents helping out is a great idea! Not like his living in their house cost them real money, since the mortgage is the same no matter what.

FYI, with the mortgage rules nowadays, it is nearly impossible for your brother to get a loan to buy a house with no rental history. Any parents who want to do this for their kids in the future should charge rent and have their kids pay it with a check so it is traceable. What happens after that doesn't matter - parents could cash the check and give the cash back to the kids if they want them to live rent-free. But the pattern of monthly payments is very important to obtaining a mortgage now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My brother lived at home 4 years after school. 4 years of rent (saved instead of spent) equaled a 6-figure down payment for his first house. I think parents helping out is a great idea! Not like his living in their house cost them real money, since the mortgage is the same no matter what.

FYI, with the mortgage rules nowadays, it is nearly impossible for your brother to get a loan to buy a house with no rental history. Any parents who want to do this for their kids in the future should charge rent and have their kids pay it with a check so it is traceable. What happens after that doesn't matter - parents could cash the check and give the cash back to the kids if they want them to live rent-free. But the pattern of monthly payments is very important to obtaining a mortgage now.

But then parents must pay tax on the rent

[Anonymous]

When I was in my 20's, I was in grad school. I was going for a PhD in the physical sciences. While I was funded, the 11K/year did not go far, and my parents did help me out. Mostly, they covered the cost of visiting them (plane tickets), and they cosigned a credit card and car loan.

Fast forward 20 years: My dad is still helping my sister (mom passed away). I ran into some medical issues (advanced cancer) which drained my available saving, and then lost my job. Other than a 401K, the 529, and home equity, I had nothing in the bank. I did not have the cash for COBRA....my father helped me with the premiums for about 3 months while I found other work.

I have since repaid him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom subsidizes my sister so she can SAH. I think it's ridiculous. And my mom doesn't have 2 nickels to rub together.

That *IS* ridiculous.

+1 your sister is an immature brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother lived at home 4 years after school. 4 years of rent (saved instead of spent) equaled a 6-figure down payment for his first house. I think parents helping out is a great idea! Not like his living in their house cost them real money, since the mortgage is the same no matter what.

I lived at home too except my parent charged me rent ($500/month plus all utilities). I moved out in 3 years and bought my first condo. The day before closing they gave me a check for all the rent I had paid. Needless to say, didn't have a clue they would be doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are subsidizing my forty-something SIL to be a SAHM. Well, my mother in law does it. About once a year, my FIL figures out that it's going on, blows a gasket, can't win the argument, and then tries to give us a check to even things out. We never used to take it, now we tell him just to dump it in the 529 they have for our kid.

This is exactly what we do in a very similar situation. But both ILs way over-subsidize 39-yo SIL, to the point where FIL goes over and mows her lawn for her. WTF??? At any rate, then they feel guilty about it and try to give us $$, which, pre-kids, we used to refuse. Now that DD is here, we dump it into college savings. It's a crazy-crazy dependent situation (ILs and DIL), IMHO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't hurt you and they are working toward something, that's fabulous. Very few people can do that for their kids, but hey, more power to you as long as your kids AREN'T assholes. But that does put you in a very small, elite group who can do that.

But the kids tend to become entitled, asshole adults. How does that benefit society?

Or they become emotionally stunted, like my SIL is. Because she has very rarely worked hard and accomplished something on her own, so she is afraid of a lot of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my 20's, I was in grad school. I was going for a PhD in the physical sciences. While I was funded, the 11K/year did not go far, and my parents did help me out. Mostly, they covered the cost of visiting them (plane tickets), and they cosigned a credit card and car loan.

Fast forward 20 years: My dad is still helping my sister (mom passed away). I ran into some medical issues (advanced cancer) which drained my available saving, and then lost my job. Other than a 401K, the 529, and home equity, I had nothing in the bank. I did not have the cash for COBRA....my father helped me with the premiums for about 3 months while I found other work.

I have since repaid him.

This is a little different, and necessary. not the same as subsidizing one's excessive lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents bought me my first car, paid my rent until I was 27, bought me a house when I was 30. I have a masters degree that they paid for and zero debt. I do not see this as a problems and will do the same for my children. If you can afford it and the kids are entitled assholes, why not help?

Helping and buying a house for someone are two different things. That goes beyond "helping"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother lived at home 4 years after school. 4 years of rent (saved instead of spent) equaled a 6-figure down payment for his first house. I think parents helping out is a great idea! Not like his living in their house cost them real money, since the mortgage is the same no matter what.

My brother in law did the same thing. He has $250 000 saved up by 28 when he got married.
Wish my hubby did the same thing.