Issue with a cousin "staying" with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What culture are you from? Why does a 23 yr old need to be controlled like this? Ita the boy should ot sleep at your house but why can't she sleep at his?

We're not controlling her, if she doesn't like our rules, she can move back home or get her own place. The problem is she's gone for weeks at a time while her parents think she's with us.

Yes but why do her parents feel compelled to control her whereabouts? She is 23! What the beack is wrong with spending the night with her boyfriend? There is something odd about this parental dynamic. Why are you getting stuck in the position of having to control the whereabouts of an adult??

It's not just "the night".
If she prefers staying elsewhere, she should take her things with her so we can have the room back and stop using us to evade her parents. She chooses to stay.

[Anonymous]

To the OP - are you seeking the permission from an online forum to ask her to leave? If so, permission granted. Stop wasting your emotional energy on this. Ask her to leave and be done with it. Give whatever excuse you want - new baby, not working out, not following rules, etc. It's your house. You are not her parents, you don't have any obligation to her.

[Anonymous]

Wow, this cousin is really immature. I would never presume to bring an overnight male guest into a family member's home, especially when I've been specifically told that my boyfriend is not welcome!

I'm not a prude at all, but if I opened up my home to a college-aged relative, I would not be cool with overnight guests, period. It's enough to make my home open to another person. I'm not inviting in a troop of their friends or lovers.

If I were you, I would be really blunt with this cousin and let her know that it was completely disrespectful, unappreciative, and uncool that she went against the only guideline you gave her. She trespassed on your generosity. If you can tolerate her presence, I'd say she needs to make plans to move out by at least a month before the baby is due, but that if she brings over a guest again, that she'd need to leave immediately.

(Seriously, she should be paying at least token rent. Why are we coddling all these young adults these days? No wonder they act like children!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you are saying she has to sleep at home every night, but the boyfriend is not allowed to stay over? What is she supposed to do? Why don't you invite the boyfriend over to dinner so the whole family has a chance to meet him, then ask the cousin to give you a bit of advance notice when he is going to stay over in the future. If you are not prepared to do that, kick her out. But don't continue the current situation where you treat a 22-year-old like she is 15, and thereby encourage sneaky 15-year-old behavior rather than adult responsibility.

Yeah, meet this guy, make him interact like an adult. It might become crystal clear why her parents disapproved, or not!

[Anonymous]

I already know why he's not approved by the parents but that's another topic for another thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your cousin moved in. Rules set include bfnot spending the night and that she let you know if she is not coming home at night. She broke first rule. You talked to her. She is now obeying all rules. Is this correct? I don't see what the big deal is now. Now you don't want her to spend night at bf's house at all? Or only a few times a week?

With that being said. Kick her out if you want. You are having a baby and it will be hectic at your house and you need the room. But I wouldn't tell her it's bc she's not following the rules. She is. Also, it's not like you're going to throw her on the street. She can move back with her parents or move into an apartment with some roommates.

We knew she wanted to move in to be closer to school and also because she was fighting with her parents to be with the boyfriend. There was an understanding that no boyfriend is allowed to stay over night and we had an agreement with her parents that she is to sleep at our place nightly so that we can be accountable for her whereabouts. She has broken those rules twice already - he was staying over night without informing us and twice she was gone for weeks at a time only dropping by quickly to pickup things. We told her if she continues using our house as storage, we would rather that she goes back to her parents so that room can be a nursery.

She did come back last night and straight to her room while I was on the phone so we didn't talk. She's still family.

Uh, she broke those rules EACH time she had a sleepover elsewhere. A weeklong sleepover at the boys place is 7 nights.
She's just using you as a cover: her parents think she has rules and is at your house, solo, each night, and in reality she does whatever she wants. While living rent free.
Given the above, Id worry more about your relationship with her parents than any hornballs.

[Anonymous]

I have no idea why she has to live by her parents rules or why they need to know where she is at night or why they need to approve of her boyfriend. None of that really makes sense but it is not the issue.

The issue is that you offered someone a place to stay under certain conditions. The conditions aren't being met. Ask her to move out. Don't make a big deal out of it just sorry Layla this arrangement isn't going to work out for us after all. Can you be out by Oct 15th or would you need until the 30th?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What culture are you from? Why does a 23 yr old need to be controlled like this? Ita the boy should ot sleep at your house but why can't she sleep at his?

We're not controlling her, if she doesn't like our rules, she can move back home or get her own place. The problem is she's gone for weeks at a time while her parents think she's with us.

Yes but why do her parents feel compelled to control her whereabouts? She is 23! What the beack is wrong with spending the night with her boyfriend? There is something odd about this parental dynamic. Why are you getting stuck in the position of having to control the whereabouts of an adult??

She will not become an adult until she pays her own bills. In the mea time, whoever pays the bills calls the tune.