Issue with a cousin "staying" with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not cool for her to invite an unwelcome guest into your house

This. Your house, your rules.

Tell her it's your way or the highway.

I agree that she has broken the rules, but she is an adult living in a child's set of rules, no wonder she broke them. But it is your house and if it is outside your comfort zone, remind her of that, and also meet the guy (assuming it is only one...), invite him over for dinner or something, and try to create an environment for everyone to get to know each other a bit.

She's not a child but she moved in under those terms. We met the boyfriend, he's nice and don't have any issue with him but that doesn't change the terms we originally agreed on. Who knows....if we allow him to stay overnight, he might think it's ok to move in permanently.

I told my husband to have a talk with her and if she violates the 3rd time, we're done.

[Anonymous]

Your blah-blah-blah details don't count. If you don't want her there, ask her to leave.

[Anonymous]

I'd ask her to leave now. If she doesn't respoect the rules you set up, why give her another chance. She 23, not 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you are saying she has to sleep at home every night, but the boyfriend is not allowed to stay over? What is she supposed to do? Why don't you invite the boyfriend over to dinner so the whole family has a chance to meet him, then ask the cousin to give you a bit of advance notice when he is going to stay over in the future. If you are not prepared to do that, kick her out. But don't continue the current situation where you treat a 22-year-old like she is 15, and thereby encourage sneaky 15-year-old behavior rather than adult responsibility.

Wtf? Why is this unreasonable? My 21 yr old sons girlfriend cannot spend the night. They are not playing house under my roof. If they have to screw they had better figure out another place to screw, like iI had to do when I was 22.

[Anonymous]

I have two small children. No way is some guy a barely know going to be accessing my house without my supervision. I've heard victims child sexual abuse speak. I don't care that my kids being molested by the BF is low. I don't know him, and I'm not going to get to know him enough over dinner to be comfortable with him having access to my family. My first obligation is to the safety of my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two small children. No way is some guy a barely know going to be accessing my house without my supervision. I've heard victims child sexual abuse speak. I don't care that my kids being molested by the BF is low. I don't know him, and I'm not going to get to know him enough over dinner to be comfortable with him having access to my family. My first obligation is to the safety of my kids.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Getting freaked out by an adult woman having sex with her (presumably long-term) boyfriend is a little off in my mind.

With that said, the cousin is essentially introducing another roommate into this equation, one without the screening that the cousin has already come with. Plus, the cousin is forcing OP's kids to have another guy in the house. Not cool.

It's up to OP -- IMO, either of these are reasonable.

1) Meet the BF and if the BF is good, have the BF + cousin live there AND PAY RENT. They want to play house, they get to pay rent. If there's a separate in-law suite where the kids could go weeks w/o seeing the BF/cousin, that might be more tenable.
3) Ask her to leave. If she hasn't left in 30 days, pack her bags and out she goes.

[Anonymous]

Totally understand why the boyfriend can't stay with you, but why can't she spend the night with him? Assuming she lets you know not to expect her.

[Anonymous]

Your cousin moved in. Rules set include bfnot spending the night and that she let you know if she is not coming home at night. She broke first rule. You talked to her. She is now obeying all rules. Is this correct? I don't see what the big deal is now. Now you don't want her to spend night at bf's house at all? Or only a few times a week?

With that being said. Kick her out if you want. You are having a baby and it will be hectic at your house and you need the room. But I wouldn't tell her it's bc she's not following the rules. She is. Also, it's not like you're going to throw her on the street. She can move back with her parents or move into an apartment with some roommates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your cousin moved in. Rules set include bfnot spending the night and that she let you know if she is not coming home at night. She broke first rule. You talked to her. She is now obeying all rules. Is this correct? I don't see what the big deal is now. Now you don't want her to spend night at bf's house at all? Or only a few times a week?

With that being said. Kick her out if you want. You are having a baby and it will be hectic at your house and you need the room. But I wouldn't tell her it's bc she's not following the rules. She is. Also, it's not like you're going to throw her on the street. She can move back with her parents or move into an apartment with some roommates.

We knew she wanted to move in to be closer to school and also because she was fighting with her parents to be with the boyfriend. There was an understanding that no boyfriend is allowed to stay over night and we had an agreement with her parents that she is to sleep at our place nightly so that we can be accountable for her whereabouts. She has broken those rules twice already - he was staying over night without informing us and twice she was gone for weeks at a time only dropping by quickly to pickup things. We told her if she continues using our house as storage, we would rather that she goes back to her parents so that room can be a nursery.

She did come back last night and straight to her room while I was on the phone so we didn't talk. She's still family.

[Anonymous]

What culture are you from? Why does a 23 yr old need to be controlled like this? Ita the boy should ot sleep at your house but why can't she sleep at his?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What culture are you from? Why does a 23 yr old need to be controlled like this? Ita the boy should ot sleep at your house but why can't she sleep at his?

We're not controlling her, if she doesn't like our rules, she can move back home or get her own place. The problem is she's gone for weeks at a time while her parents think she's with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What culture are you from? Why does a 23 yr old need to be controlled like this? Ita the boy should ot sleep at your house but why can't she sleep at his?

We're not controlling her, if she doesn't like our rules, she can move back home or get her own place. The problem is she's gone for weeks at a time while her parents think she's with us.

Yes but why do her parents feel compelled to control her whereabouts? She is 23! What the beack is wrong with spending the night with her boyfriend? There is something odd about this parental dynamic. Why are you getting stuck in the position of having to control the whereabouts of an adult??

[Anonymous]

OP again. If someone offers me a free place to stay giving those rules, I would take it without thinking. We also asked that she keeps her room & bathroom clean but neither are in any presentable condition right now. *SIGH*

[Anonymous]

So give her a months notice and ask her to move out. Say you've e decided you need the room for the baby and you don't want to worry about other men being in your house at night.