Do your teens feel trapped?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, tell her just to hang in for one more semester and get her college apps in! Sit down with her and go over her extra currics to see if there are any she can cut.

Agree with this, given where she is (at the very end of high school). If your DD were at a earlier point in high school I'd reevaluate the school fit and maybe make a change. At this point I'd just help her cope as best you can. There's light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe when you have free moments you can help her process the experience she'd had so she learns something about what she wants in terms of work/life balance for college and beyond. Believe me, there are tons of college freshman who haven't thought about this and are just blindly repeating whatever they did in high school, and this can really be a problem for some of them. It sounds like your DD will have the advantage of having figured some things out about her goals and priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, in the basement, but I promised to let them out and to begin feeding them dinner again if their grades improve.

funny!

[Anonymous]

I see folks in this area who have busted their bums since HS and now in middle age hate their jobs but don't know what else to do. Sad to get in the habit of working hard and not being able to find one's passion.

Agree that DD sounds depressed and lightening her load would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

I hated my life in high school and also felt trapped. I did swimming and had a 1.5 hour practice before school and a 3.5 practice after school. I became so burnt out that I chose not to accept a college scholarship to swim in college and then I left college after my first year to travel and actually enjoy my life. If I could go back I would have chosen not to do swimming. I enjoyed it my freshman and sophomore year and even a little my junior year, but I HATED it my senior year. I was so miserable at time I contemplated intentionally tripping down stairs so I could get out of practice. On top of swimming I took AP Calculous, AP Physics, and AP Chemistry my senior year. Worst year of my life.....

[Anonymous]

We are robbing an entire generation of children of their childhoods. I say this as a parent who made the decision mid-high school to make some changes, put DC in charge of certain decisions, pursue education for its own sake and get out of the rat's race. DC is much, much happier and will do fine. It was all so unnecessary. I allowed myself to get caught up in the DC competitive parenting, especially because I had a high achieving child, and didn't realize the cost. There is a cost.

The goal is to deliver your child at college ready to learn. If you burn your children out in the process, college becomes a place for recovery, or worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

maril332 wrote:My DD says she feels like everyday is hard for her. She says she feels tired of being "on" at school all day and coming home to do about 4 hrs of homework each night. She knows that life is about hard work but i suppose she is just feeling burn out?

She is at a rigorous private school (in bethesda.. take your guesses) and she complains of feeling like her life is nothing but school work. Do your kids feel like this? How do you help?

Does at least half of her life away from school involve social media? Is she able to study or do homework for fifteen minutes without reaching for her IPhone? Have you ever tried taking it away from her for the evening and see if she becomes anxious because she is not connected and not catching up on the "dirt"?

finally someone zeroing in on the real problem. Schoolwork is such a drag because it takes time away from what really matters - socializing and keeping connected to the social media devices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

maril332 wrote:My DD says she feels like everyday is hard for her. She says she feels tired of being "on" at school all day and coming home to do about 4 hrs of homework each night. She knows that life is about hard work but i suppose she is just feeling burn out?

She is at a rigorous private school (in bethesda.. take your guesses) and she complains of feeling like her life is nothing but school work. Do your kids feel like this? How do you help?

Does at least half of her life away from school involve social media? Is she able to study or do homework for fifteen minutes without reaching for her IPhone? Have you ever tried taking it away from her for the evening and see if she becomes anxious because she is not connected and not catching up on the "dirt"?

finally someone zeroing in on the real problem. Schoolwork is such a drag because it takes time away from what really matters - socializing and keeping connected to the social media devices.

[Anonymous]

well school lets out at 3:30 and she goes to bed at 12 or 1, so that is 8 hours, 4 is homework - what's she doing with the rest of the time?

Also, had a bad junior year and now wants a 3.5? Sounds like she could go to Elon or JMU or somewhere like that. Sounds like a Mrs. degree may be her best bet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:well school lets out at 3:30 and she goes to bed at 12 or 1, so that is 8 hours, 4 is homework - what's she doing with the rest of the time?

Also, had a bad junior year and now wants a 3.5? Sounds like she could go to Elon or JMU or somewhere like that. Sounds like a Mrs. degree may be her best bet.

Sounds like the poor kid is just burnt out. Awful judge-y here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are robbing an entire generation of children of their childhoods. I say this as a parent who made the decision mid-high school to make some changes, put DC in charge of certain decisions, pursue education for its own sake and get out of the rat's race. DC is much, much happier and will do fine. It was all so unnecessary. I allowed myself to get caught up in the DC competitive parenting, especially because I had a high achieving child, and didn't realize the cost. There is a cost.

The goal is to deliver your child at college ready to learn. If you burn your children out in the process, college becomes a place for recovery, or worse.

So true, and so sad. Good for you PP for having the courage to let your kid jump off the treadmill....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My high school days were the happiest days of my life. I did zero extra-curricular activities, smoked a fair amount of weed, and got into a top university. I guess those days are gone...

+1

[maril332]

Anonymous wrote:well school lets out at 3:30 and she goes to bed at 12 or 1, so that is 8 hours, 4 is homework - what's she doing with the rest of the time?

Also, had a bad junior year and now wants a 3.5? Sounds like she could go to Elon or JMU or somewhere like that. Sounds like a Mrs. degree may be her best bet.

School till 3:30. Gets home at about 5:00. (often stays after school to get some work done, or meet with teachers, or take a fitness class 2 days a week). Then she usually relaxes till about 5:30.

Starts hw. till 7:30. eats dinner. Starts more hw at 8 till about 11. but this last stretch of hw can last from 8 to 11 or 1. So yes, more than 4 hrs of hw usually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was my life in high school. Class from 8.00 to 3.15. mandatory sports four days a week till 4.45. Other extra currics at night and on weekends. Plus five hours of homework a night. Averaged five or six hours of sleep a night, which is not healthy for a teen.
I worked harder my junior year in high school than any year since. Even without sports and extra currics, homework plus school is over a twelve hour day.
It is absurd.
Make sure she gets at least 7.5 hours a night of sleep. Insist on it.
Encourage her to limit her extra currics.

I should add, I went to a top five college and it was like a vacation after high school! All my friends felt the same way.

Which raises the question: why are we so hellbent on making high school kids miserable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is not about hard work. Its not supposed to be drudgery. OP, your DD sounds depressed. I don't know why posters think its acceptable for a child to be this unhappy. My DD started like this. She was a great student but hated her school. Then she became severely depressed. I don't want to go into details but it was horrible. I so regretted not listening to her from the beginning. We switched her from her "rigorous" school to one where learning for learning's sake (as opposed to competition and 4 hours of homework) is valued and she is so much happier. The contrast taught me that kids actually can be happy in high school. And she's still a great student very focused on her academics.

I guess I'm pleading with you to take your DD's emotional health as seriously as you do the "rigor" of her school. You don't want her to look back and think that she hated her teen years.

Could you tell us which school you switched to? That's where I want to send my kids....

[Anonymous]

OP,
Your daughter sounds so much like our oldest daughter who was a highly organized, self-starter who carried a full course load and outside activities and did band etc. I can only say that one thing we did not catch was that maybe "because of her tight, scheduled life," especially during her senior year in high school, her overall anxiety and in some ways immaturity were masked. It showed up in college at a top university where she found herself without a schedule and plenty of open time AND the time for her inner demons of perfection and competition etc. to manifest themselves. She pulled out sophomore year second semester and at Thanksgiving her senior year AND true to form would you believe she graduated on time AND Summa Cum Laude in academics, but what a life struggle for all of us at times.

Mental health issues often arise in late teen years and can be simply missed. Parents need to have a continuing conversation that it is good and healthy to seek out counseling in high school and later on even more so when away from family in college. Mental health must be put on the same level as physical health well-being.

In looking at her overall routine, why can't our daughter just come home two afternoons a week and find other outlets for fitness besides "a class." It is important to keep up family ties so if she has younger siblings maybe to just hang a bit or help out with them at times. Also, maybe a time to just walk or run with Mom.

SO my considered advice is to think about the early advice you received to see if she might drop down a level in one subject to lessen the HW load to have some time for herself. Or if not possible, who has set out the list of colleges she is planning to apply to?? Why not do some further research for at least a couple of schools that would have the program of study AND the college life she would enjoy, but be a little less competitive to get into. Tell her you want her to apply to those schools, too. Also, be sure she applies to at least one college with rolling admissions (even as a strictly safety school) and one Early Action so that she knows she has options. Having this information before Christmas really tends to lighten the load. Again, it is a very intense period of life, but just try and be open to the cues and that a range of college options is best.