Do your teens feel trapped?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's DD is in 12th grade, so moving doesn't seem like an option. But perhaps this can be a cautionary tale.

Just read that. Should have read through the thread first. My bad.

[Anonymous]

maril332 wrote:Hello,

She is a senior in HS. She said she felt "free" all summer (even though she had a job babysitting 3 8-hr days a week) and now she said that it is like everything has crashed down.

She didn't do great jr year (but still had the high HW load). Now she is trying to pull out at least a 3.5 avg to show colleges.

She usually goes to bed at around 12 am. Sometimes as late as 1. She says that 1 am is her cut off and I quote "If its not done by 1 am, it just isn't getting done".

This sounds like a pretty typical post summer adjustment especially if she wasn't working that much this summer. My kid is in a neighboring public school and goes to bed between 12 and 1 as well. 4 hours of homework is pretty much the norm with a heavy course load (mine has 5 APs this year). She also has after school sports.

Senior fall seems to be more intense than junior year for mine as well. Pressure to get grades for this last semester plus the pressure of applying to colleges. Can she drop a level in any of her classes (AP to regular or something like that) or swap an academic class for an elective? It sounds like she needs to talk to the school counselor or a psych to get some help. I would not delay on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the PPs. Also be conscious of the path that she is on. We all know people who had a similar HS experience, followed by a top 10 college, followed by a top 10 med/law/PhD program, followed by whatever was professionally "best." You can lose years of your life chasing what you are "supposed" to want to show everyone you are the best. In my early to mid 30s, I am finally re-emerging and wondering why the hell I chose to start living this life at age 14 and why I and no one around me ever thought of my happiness -- rather than prestige, money etc.

You aren't wrong, I'm not going to argue with your point. It seems like it applies to OPs kid.

However, as I look around my neighborhood and observe all the guys and some women enjoying the fruit$$$ of their prep-ivy-ivy-big law/McKinsey/Carlyle "hard labor," I'd assert that at least some people are thrilled they put in all that effort. Judging from the evident fun they have with their boats, Mercedes, additions, and annual trips to whistler, Galapagos and machu pichu. Plus the place in chilmark.

Actually the ones who have it best are the pretty stick bird trophy wives who got 3.0 in "marketing" and onky worked 3 years before they were plucked from the drudgery and installed in the fun life hi$ hard work-studying begets.

So back to the PPs question - does OPs kid have symmetrical facial features? The rest can be bought ....

PP that you quoted -- not to derail the thread. It is fun until it isn't -- for years all those vacations etc. are great. And then when you're content with your travels and your "stuff" -- you start to notice the price that you're paying and you start to resent it -- esp. if you're someone who didn't care one way or the other about travels or stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: There are schools with much less pressure that send their graduates to top colleges.

Which ones are those? (A serious question, not a taunt.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: There are schools with much less pressure that send their graduates to top colleges.

Which ones are those? (A serious question, not a taunt.)

Field and Edmund Burke are schools often seen as accommodating for kids with issues, which they are, but both schools also have a cadre of high achieving kids who go on to very competitive colleges. The environment at both schools is much more humane.

[Anonymous]

maril332 wrote:My DD says she feels like everyday is hard for her. She says she feels tired of being "on" at school all day and coming home to do about 4 hrs of homework each night. She knows that life is about hard work but i suppose she is just feeling burn out?

She is at a rigorous private school (in bethesda.. take your guesses) and she complains of feeling like her life is nothing but school work. Do your kids feel like this? How do you help?

Does at least half of her life away from school involve social media? Is she able to study or do homework for fifteen minutes without reaching for her IPhone? Have you ever tried taking it away from her for the evening and see if she becomes anxious because she is not connected and not catching up on the "dirt"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: There are schools with much less pressure that send their graduates to top colleges.

Which ones are those? (A serious question, not a taunt.)

If you go to the Private School Forum and ask "what are most academically rigorous schools" this is the list of schools I would never ever ever send my kids. I have legacy status at many of those schools and would not have a problem getting my kids into those schools.

But what are we doing, having kids sleep 4-5 hours a night for 4 years straight in the hopes of one day having a mercedes and a vacation home.

I have BTDT. I did not take that path. My kids will not take that path. I have family that did and they are not happy. Yes they have a mercedes and a vacation home, etc. but they feel trapped, they can't change jobs, get a less stressful life because they "have it all" (and their wives would rather die than have less).

If you ask "which schools are kind and supportive" you will magically notice those listed as "rigorous" are not listed. You will get a very large list of schools. People are there because they have a different set of values.

When you see people say, "there is a large discrepancy between the top of the class and the bottom of the class" what this means is the school has figured out that some kids thrive in an environment with intense academics but some kids need support (though they are just as smart) or the kids have a very full life outside of school. These schools understand this and support this. In addition, your child can have a year that is not as rigorous and then a year that is depending on their outside activities.

[Anonymous]

There are schools with much less pressure that send their graduates to top colleges.

Which ones are those? (A serious question, not a taunt.)

If you go to the Private School Forum and ask "what are most academically rigorous schools" this is the list of schools I would never ever ever send my kids. I have legacy status at many of those schools and would not have a problem getting my kids into those schools.

But what are we doing, having kids sleep 4-5 hours a night for 4 years straight in the hopes of one day having a mercedes and a vacation home.

I have BTDT. I did not take that path. My kids will not take that path. I have family that did and they are not happy. Yes they have a mercedes and a vacation home, etc. but they feel trapped, they can't change jobs, get a less stressful life because they "have it all" (and their wives would rather die than have less).

If you ask "which schools are kind and supportive" you will magically notice those listed as "rigorous" are not listed. You will get a very large list of schools. People are there because they have a different set of values.

When you see people say, "there is a large discrepancy between the top of the class and the bottom of the class" what this means is the school has figured out that some kids thrive in an environment with intense academics but some kids need support (though they are just as smart) or the kids have a very full life outside of school. These schools understand this and support this. In addition, your child can have a year that is not as rigorous and then a year that is depending on their outside activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the PPs. Also be conscious of the path that she is on. We all know people who had a similar HS experience, followed by a top 10 college, followed by a top 10 med/law/PhD program, followed by whatever was professionally "best." You can lose years of your life chasing what you are "supposed" to want to show everyone you are the best. In my early to mid 30s, I am finally re-emerging and wondering why the hell I chose to start living this life at age 14 and why I and no one around me ever thought of my happiness -- rather than prestige, money etc.

You aren't wrong, I'm not going to argue with your point. It seems like it applies to OPs kid.

However, as I look around my neighborhood and observe all the guys and some women enjoying the fruit$$$ of their prep-ivy-ivy-big law/McKinsey/Carlyle "hard labor," I'd assert that at least some people are thrilled they put in all that effort. Judging from the evident fun they have with their boats, Mercedes, additions, and annual trips to whistler, Galapagos and machu pichu. Plus the place in chilmark.

Actually the ones who have it best are the pretty stick bird trophy wives who got 3.0 in "marketing" and onky worked 3 years before they were plucked from the drudgery and installed in the fun life hi$ hard work-studying begets.

So back to the PPs question - does OPs kid have symmetrical facial features? The rest can be bought ....

Well actually, the symmetrical features can also be bought (but that's the topic of another thread).

[Anonymous]

She's in the wrong school (though it's too late now.) My DD deliberately chose a school that has strong academics but is not a pressure cooker so she can pursue her favorite activities and play a team sport for the first time. Her self confidence is better, her friendships are more genuine and she's thriving!

If she's looking to college, consider the whole environment. Consider a gap year even more strongly.

[Anonymous]

My DS graduated from a MCPS high school last year and never, ever felt stressed or had to stay up late to do his homework. He was a mostly straight-A student, top 5% in MD, etc. and took 3 AP and an IB course last year. After reading some of the posts here on DCUM, I am so happy that we don't live in one of the school clusters so many people are clamoring to get into! He always tried to do his best, especially junior and senior year, but never felt intense pressure or like he was competing with his classmates to be the "best of the best".

I feel for children who feel that stressed out in high school; they have enough years of that ahead of them in adulthood!

Take care of your DD, OP!

[Anonymous]

No, my teen doesn't feel trapped. He enjoys school, plays 3 varsity sports, has a social life and many friends. Once you reach adulthood, no one really cares where you went to high school but the damage done by tears of feeling "not good enough" lasts forever. Maybe your DD will cut loose in college and have the fun she missed in high school. You have to ask yourself if its worth it, only you can decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was my life in high school. Class from 8.00 to 3.15. mandatory sports four days a week till 4.45. Other extra currics at night and on weekends. Plus five hours of homework a night. Averaged five or six hours of sleep a night, which is not healthy for a teen.
I worked harder my junior year in high school than any year since. Even without sports and extra currics, homework plus school is over a twelve hour day.
It is absurd.
Make sure she gets at least 7.5 hours a night of sleep. Insist on it.
Encourage her to limit her extra currics.

I should add, I went to a top five college and it was like a vacation after high school! All my friends felt the same way.

I also went to NCS and me and my friends got into great colleges and felt completely burned out by the time we arrived. We look back on our college years with regret because we were decompressing rather than taking advantage of what the schools had to offer. College shouldn't be a vacation.

Its just appalling to sacrifice your happiness as a teen for some idea that there will be a pay off. There are schools with much less pressure that send their graduates to top colleges.

I didnt say college was a vacation; i said it was like a vacation compared to hs. I still worked really hard in college. Studied at least thirty or forty hours a week. But that plus only maybe fifteen hours of class was only forty five to fifty five hours a week. Left plenty of time for sleep and fun. I agree though that the ncs schedule was ridiculous. But the academics would have been manageable if they hadn't made us feel like we had to spend hours every day on extra currics.

[Anonymous]

maril332 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor kid. Do you think there is an organizational issue? Maybe a coach could help?

I went to a very demanding high school and my ADD showed up then - I did my work so slowly, that it took up practically all my time! Ugh.

no she is pretty much completely organized, it is just that the amount of HW takes a lot of time.

Not op, but no. Some schools give that much work and even if you are super organized you can stay up till 1 am trying to get it done.

[Anonymous]

Op, tell her just to hang in for one more semester and get her college apps in! Sit down with her and go over her extra currics to see if there are any she can cut.