Strategies to stop mom from just dropping in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is dead. Can I have yours ? I would never be too busy for her.

Your mom being dead doesn't make the OP's mother any less rude.

+1

people need to stop projecting their crap onto op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Ignore the posters saying you are being mean. maybe they too are lonely people who feel it's okay to intrude on others. It's your family, it's your time. This is not controlling, it's called "boundaries" people. OP, I would scoop up the kids, tell your mom you'll see her when scheduled close the door and do your own thing.

You guys and your b-s boundaries. This is her mother one is talking about. What is her mother doing that would be so disruptive to their lives? Both my parents drop by when they feel like it. They even have a garage door opener so that they can just come by when they feel like it. Our kids love them and they feel the same way.

And, FYI, I am not a lonely person. I am also not a self centered person. My parents raised me often at considerable sacrifice. I owe what I am today to them. They would still do anything for me and my siblings.

I do believe what goes around comes around and I wonder how those who feel there is no problem with restrictions on visits by parents will react when and if they are faced with similar restrictions on visits by their children.

We're all happy for you that you have a relationship with your parents that is rewarding and mutually respectful. Not everyone's experience of life/family/anything is identical to yours. Get some perspective of GTFO.

Not the PP to whom you responded but you are an idiot. Of course people have different life/family experiences.

The point is that unless there are major issues with a parent such as abuse, etc it is ridiculous to impose constraints on a mother or parent who is lonely. People like you are pathetic. One does not put parents out to pasture when they have outlived their usefulness. What is so difficult to understand about something so basic?

I don't think requesting that a visit is agreed upon beforehand is "putting parents out to pasture"...this is a really melodramatic comparison and unhelpful. Healthy relationships require boundaries. This is therapy 101 and not rocket science. No one is suggesting the OP stop being in relationship with her mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Ignore the posters saying you are being mean. maybe they too are lonely people who feel it's okay to intrude on others. It's your family, it's your time. This is not controlling, it's called "boundaries" people. OP, I would scoop up the kids, tell your mom you'll see her when scheduled close the door and do your own thing.

You guys and your b-s boundaries. This is her mother one is talking about. What is her mother doing that would be so disruptive to their lives? Both my parents drop by when they feel like it. They even have a garage door opener so that they can just come by when they feel like it. Our kids love them and they feel the same way.

And, FYI, I am not a lonely person. I am also not a self centered person. My parents raised me often at considerable sacrifice. I owe what I am today to them. They would still do anything for me and my siblings.

I do believe what goes around comes around and I wonder how those who feel there is no problem with restrictions on visits by parents will react when and if they are faced with similar restrictions on visits by their children.

We're all happy for you that you have a relationship with your parents that is rewarding and mutually respectful. Not everyone's experience of life/family/anything is identical to yours. Get some perspective of GTFO.

Not the PP to whom you responded but you are an idiot. Of course people have different life/family experiences.

The point is that unless there are major issues with a parent such as abuse, etc it is ridiculous to impose constraints on a mother or parent who is lonely. People like you are pathetic. One does not put parents out to pasture when they have outlived their usefulness. What is so difficult to understand about something so basic?

Obviously, you do not understand my point. You can agree in theory that people might have different experiences, but then suggest in the same post that there are only three types of families:
Abusive, disfunctional families
Families who behave the way your family behaves
Familes who are "pathetic"

Can you not see how myopic this view is?

Your mother likes to drop by unannounced amd you like entertaining her on the spur-of-the-moment. Bully for you.

OP's mother likes to drop by unnanounced and OP feels disrespected, stressed and violated when this happens. In a mutually loving, respectful relationship, OP's strong emotional response to this action would make her loving, compassionate mother reconsider and they would work together to find a way for OP to feel comfortable and for her mother to visit. Given that OP has made her preference on this clear and her mother feels that her inclination to drop by is more important than her daughter's well-being and happiness, OP is now entitled to try to draw boundaries in a more aggressive way without being told that she is an evil ungrateful shrew of a daughter. Being in relationships means valuing that other people are allowed to respond to a stimulus in a way differently than you would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is dead. Can I have yours ? I would never be too busy for her.

+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the big deal? So let her go play with the kids and go about whatever you were doing.

totally agree with pp.

Go on doing what you're doing and ask her to help you with the house.
Whe people talk about Eastern and Western cultures, it's not about food or clothing. It's about things like this.
What PP said would be so incomprehensible in many countries.

This

OP's attitude and some of the comments supporting her are not representative of most Americans. I don't know of a single person - friends, acquaintances, relatives - who would subject a parent to this type of treatment. So please don't judge Americans by the dysfunctional relationships of a few people.

OP said she has turned her mother away at the door! Just mind-boggling and bizarre!

[Anonymous]

Exactly why I live far away from my parents and ILs. My parents would never show up unannounced at least, but my in-laws would.

[Anonymous]

This is a forum where most of the topics are started by people who have dysfunctional or problematical relationships.

Those who have harmonious relationships don't usually post here. The multitude of problems that people post about are by those in the minority. There are many, many couples who have wonderful relationships with their mothers and in-laws.

A topic like this one is really an outlier and should not be viewed as representative of what happens in most families. About all these sort of threads do for me is to be thankful that I have wonderful parents who are a positive influence in my life and that of my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a forum where most of the topics are started by people who have dysfunctional or problematical relationships.

Those who have harmonious relationships don't usually post here. The multitude of problems that people post about are by those in the minority. There are many, many couples who have wonderful relationships with their mothers and in-laws.

A topic like this one is really an outlier and should not be viewed as representative of what happens in most families. About all these sort of threads do for me is to be thankful that I have wonderful parents who are a positive influence in my life and that of my family.

Um, good for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a forum where most of the topics are started by people who have dysfunctional or problematical relationships.

Those who have harmonious relationships don't usually post here. The multitude of problems that people post about are by those in the minority. There are many, many couples who have wonderful relationships with their mothers and in-laws.

A topic like this one is really an outlier and should not be viewed as representative of what happens in most families. About all these sort of threads do for me is to be thankful that I have wonderful parents who are a positive influence in my life and that of my family.

Um, good for you?

Sorry, this was in the context of the person who made this comment:

"Whe people talk about Eastern and Western cultures, it's not about food or clothing. It's about things like this. What PP said would be so incomprehensible in many countries."

The discussion on this thread and others outlining endless conflict between other family members is hardly representative of most family relationships in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a forum where most of the topics are started by people who have dysfunctional or problematical relationships.

Those who have harmonious relationships don't usually post here. The multitude of problems that people post about are by those in the minority. There are many, many couples who have wonderful relationships with their mothers and in-laws.

A topic like this one is really an outlier and should not be viewed as representative of what happens in most families. About all these sort of threads do for me is to be thankful that I have wonderful parents who are a positive influence in my life and that of my family.

Um, good for you?

Sorry, this was in the context of the person who made this comment:

"Whe people talk about Eastern and Western cultures, it's not about food or clothing. It's about things like this. What PP said would be so incomprehensible in many countries."

The discussion on this thread and others outlining endless conflict between other family members is hardly representative of most family relationships in the US.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Would you leave the kids with your mother? If so, then use the time to run errands or get stuff done at the house while she watches the kids. Those are my only suggestions. I'm sure it's frustrating. I don't like unexpected house guests/drop ins either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"imagine 30 years from now, your kids posting this and feeling this way about you"
++

but see that's just the thing. I can't imagine doing this to my own kids. I pray that in my old age I am mentally well enough to understand that while I am loved, they have their OWN LIVES. Yes, I hope to be a part of it, but I do not plan to jump into their daily schedule without checking in first.

Ha. My mom comes over, tries to feed the newborn water and Gatorade, asks where the pacifiers are, wears cheap perfume lotion that burns all our eyes and baby's skin, pretends to hold the baby's head but really just keeps her hand up doing nothing, etc.
Sorry folks, not all grandparents are as perfect as you. God help me in my later years not be totally stubborn and self centered.

[Anonymous]

"My place is your place. Make yourself home. CLEAN MY KITCHEN!!!"

Make her work or very uncomfortable while she is there.

[Anonymous]

We are private people and would never want people, family or not, just dropping by several times a day/week. A call beforehand would be nice. I'm with you, OP.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I'm surprised to see this thread is still active. Mom stopped by four times this past week and one of those times happened just a few hours after a phone call when we had discussed having a planned visit in a few days. This when DH is on the night shift and was sleeping as were both kids. For all the posters who said put her to work, she is no longer physically able. And for those who said we didn't like her much, that's true. She had a mid-life crisis about 20 years ago, left my dad and has absolutely failed to makeover her life--few outside interests, never previously lived alone, not much of a support system and has now let herself go physically. It's sad beyond all measure but we can't be responsible for her choices.