Strategies to stop mom from just dropping in

[Anonymous]

My MIL used to do this all the time. It drove me crazy. We moved to a farther suburb. It caused endless friction in our household b/c she was not going to do any work, and if we did not treat her as a priceless guest she would get very angry and storm out. Then would be the make up then the breakup. Way too much drama with 2 kids, 2 jobs and everything else.

[Anonymous]

I made a similar post a couple of weeks/months ago about my dad stopping by, and I got similar comments about how I should be fortunate that he cares enough to stop by. I was in your shoes, and I understand what you are going through, trust me. But then my dad dropped dead suddenly and now I see it from the other side too.

So, with that in mind, here are my thoughts:
(1) Be nice, but be firm.
(2) BE SPECIFIC about when she absolutely must not come by. If your mom is like my dad, then your mom won't stop her habit of stopping by unannounced. It is a habit. So instead of telling her that she can't stop by unannounced altogether, you need to tell her WHEN she can't stop by unannounced. She should be able to live with that, e.g. "Mom, we'd really love to see you, but mornings are truly hectic for us, and when you stop by, since the kids want to see you, it delays me from getting them to school/getting me to work, on time. We really can't have you stopping by during the mornings." (You get the picture.)
(3) Tell her when it is OK to come by.
(4) As others have said, find activities for her to do. Help her get engaged.
(5) Set a specific time when she can see the kids - are your kids in school? Maybe you could tell her that the best times for her to stop by would be on Tuesdays/Thursdays. Broad enough so that she doesn't feel like she's making an appointment, but specific enough that it will give you some certainty.

But, most importantly, and trust me, I know that this is really hard, b/c it is an annoyance, remember that she loves you and the kids. And be patient with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made a similar post a couple of weeks/months ago about my dad stopping by, and I got similar comments about how I should be fortunate that he cares enough to stop by. I was in your shoes, and I understand what you are going through, trust me. But then my dad dropped dead suddenly and now I see it from the other side too.

So, with that in mind, here are my thoughts:
(1) Be nice, but be firm.
(2) BE SPECIFIC about when she absolutely must not come by. If your mom is like my dad, then your mom won't stop her habit of stopping by unannounced. It is a habit. So instead of telling her that she can't stop by unannounced altogether, you need to tell her WHEN she can't stop by unannounced. She should be able to live with that, e.g. "Mom, we'd really love to see you, but mornings are truly hectic for us, and when you stop by, since the kids want to see you, it delays me from getting them to school/getting me to work, on time. We really can't have you stopping by during the mornings." (You get the picture.)
(3) Tell her when it is OK to come by.
(4) As others have said, find activities for her to do. Help her get engaged.
(5) Set a specific time when she can see the kids - are your kids in school? Maybe you could tell her that the best times for her to stop by would be on Tuesdays/Thursdays. Broad enough so that she doesn't feel like she's making an appointment, but specific enough that it will give you some certainty.

But, most importantly, and trust me, I know that this is really hard, b/c it is an annoyance, remember that she loves you and the kids. And be patient with her.

Wow, PP I remember your post-- you were the one at the vacation home? So sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Ignore the posters saying you are being mean. maybe they too are lonely people who feel it's okay to intrude on others. It's your family, it's your time. This is not controlling, it's called "boundaries" people. OP, I would scoop up the kids, tell your mom you'll see her when scheduled close the door and do your own thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Ignore the posters saying you are being mean. maybe they too are lonely people who feel it's okay to intrude on others. It's your family, it's your time. This is not controlling, it's called "boundaries" people. OP, I would scoop up the kids, tell your mom you'll see her when scheduled close the door and do your own thing.

You guys and your b-s boundaries. This is her mother one is talking about. What is her mother doing that would be so disruptive to their lives? Both my parents drop by when they feel like it. They even have a garage door opener so that they can just come by when they feel like it. Our kids love them and they feel the same way.

And, FYI, I am not a lonely person. I am also not a self centered person. My parents raised me often at considerable sacrifice. I owe what I am today to them. They would still do anything for me and my siblings.

I do believe what goes around comes around and I wonder how those who feel there is no problem with restrictions on visits by parents will react when and if they are faced with similar restrictions on visits by their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Answer the door naked.

Nah, a mother has seen her daughter naked all her life. Get DH to answer the door naked. THAT will shut down the surprise drop-ins.

Both together, slightly out of breath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Ignore the posters saying you are being mean. maybe they too are lonely people who feel it's okay to intrude on others. It's your family, it's your time. This is not controlling, it's called "boundaries" people. OP, I would scoop up the kids, tell your mom you'll see her when scheduled close the door and do your own thing.

You guys and your b-s boundaries. This is her mother one is talking about. What is her mother doing that would be so disruptive to their lives? Both my parents drop by when they feel like it. They even have a garage door opener so that they can just come by when they feel like it. Our kids love them and they feel the same way.

And, FYI, I am not a lonely person. I am also not a self centered person. My parents raised me often at considerable sacrifice. I owe what I am today to them. They would still do anything for me and my siblings.

I do believe what goes around comes around and I wonder how those who feel there is no problem with restrictions on visits by parents will react when and if they are faced with similar restrictions on visits by their children.

We're all happy for you that you have a relationship with your parents that is rewarding and mutually respectful. Not everyone's experience of life/family/anything is identical to yours. Get some perspective of GTFO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Ignore the posters saying you are being mean. maybe they too are lonely people who feel it's okay to intrude on others. It's your family, it's your time. This is not controlling, it's called "boundaries" people. OP, I would scoop up the kids, tell your mom you'll see her when scheduled close the door and do your own thing.

You guys and your b-s boundaries. This is her mother one is talking about. What is her mother doing that would be so disruptive to their lives? Both my parents drop by when they feel like it. They even have a garage door opener so that they can just come by when they feel like it. Our kids love them and they feel the same way.

And, FYI, I am not a lonely person. I am also not a self centered person. My parents raised me often at considerable sacrifice. I owe what I am today to them. They would still do anything for me and my siblings.

I do believe what goes around comes around and I wonder how those who feel there is no problem with restrictions on visits by parents will react when and if they are faced with similar restrictions on visits by their children.

+1

You said it better than I could and I totally agree with the sentiments you expressed. My parents live relatively close to us and they visit us on the spur of the moment . and we do the same with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Ignore the posters saying you are being mean. maybe they too are lonely people who feel it's okay to intrude on others. It's your family, it's your time. This is not controlling, it's called "boundaries" people. OP, I would scoop up the kids, tell your mom you'll see her when scheduled close the door and do your own thing.

You guys and your b-s boundaries. This is her mother one is talking about. What is her mother doing that would be so disruptive to their lives? Both my parents drop by when they feel like it. They even have a garage door opener so that they can just come by when they feel like it. Our kids love them and they feel the same way.

And, FYI, I am not a lonely person. I am also not a self centered person. My parents raised me often at considerable sacrifice. I owe what I am today to them. They would still do anything for me and my siblings.

I do believe what goes around comes around and I wonder how those who feel there is no problem with restrictions on visits by parents will react when and if they are faced with similar restrictions on visits by their children.

We're all happy for you that you have a relationship with your parents that is rewarding and mutually respectful. Not everyone's experience of life/family/anything is identical to yours. Get some perspective of GTFO.

Not the PP to whom you responded but you are an idiot. Of course people have different life/family experiences.

The point is that unless there are major issues with a parent such as abuse, etc it is ridiculous to impose constraints on a mother or parent who is lonely. People like you are pathetic. One does not put parents out to pasture when they have outlived their usefulness. What is so difficult to understand about something so basic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it truly that its just the fact that she's dropping by unannounced that bothers you? Or do you not want her around so much?

sounds like the latter. Obviuosly she doesn't like her mother very much.

[Anonymous]

What's the big deal? So let her go play with the kids and go about whatever you were doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has been told repeatedly that she cannot just drop by, that she needs to call first. She refuses to do this but not in any kind of upfront way. She just says I was in the neighborhood and tries to brush off the angry reception and says she wants to see the grandkids (as if this does not involve the parents). She has been told we are busy and turned away at the door (getting ready for work, eg) , we have gotten incredibly angry, she has been explained why she cannot just drop by in other conversations, preemptive visits have been scheduled. None of this works. She is lonely, doesn't have a lot going on in her life and stops by whenever. Today it was actually two visits in one day. I am angry and out of ideas. Have you been able to put a stop to this behavior? HOw?

Find her a boyfriend. Or a dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's the big deal? So let her go play with the kids and go about whatever you were doing.

totally agree with pp.

Go on doing what you're doing and ask her to help you with the house.
Whe people talk about Eastern and Western cultures, it's not about food or clothing. It's about things like this.
What PP said would be so incomprehensible in many countries.

[Anonymous]

"imagine 30 years from now, your kids posting this and feeling this way about you"
++

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"imagine 30 years from now, your kids posting this and feeling this way about you"
++

but see that's just the thing. I can't imagine doing this to my own kids. I pray that in my old age I am mentally well enough to understand that while I am loved, they have their OWN LIVES. Yes, I hope to be a part of it, but I do not plan to jump into their daily schedule without checking in first.