Destination wedding a no-go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how this is so important to MIL but makes no move to put her money where her mouth is. If she wants her beloved grandchildren there she should foot the bill, not pile on the pressure about saving for it. She is absurd. Who says that with 3 children this wedding is even something you WANT to save for? I can think of 3 college funds that would be a more worthwhile investment. Anyway, count yourself lucky that she is t offering to pay because then you have to decide if mothering three young children in a far away paradise is what you want to for a long weekend. Sounds dreadful. The way you are planning it is great. Your DH will get to have real quality time with his bro before his wedding, some downtime in a beautiful location while you have kindly offered to stay home watching all the kids. Sounds pretty kind and generous and smart to me! MIL just has a view of what the wedding needs to look like and you are playing and she's being a brat. Wonder what kind of headaches she's giving the bride to be and her family at this point...

MIL probably covets having a little "alone" time with her boys and is just saying "Oh, PLEASE won't you bring the wife & kids" to make it sound as though she REALLY wants you there, too, but she knows dam well that's financially unreasonable - she just wants to make sure that your dh goes to this for his brother and she knows that it won't be cheap for your family even if only dh goes. The faux pleading and guilt trip is kind of a craptastic thing for a grandma/MIL to do but of course she isn't the one that planned this whole thing (normally that falls on the bride's family and the couple) so you can't really resent her for it too much.

DH should go if he can afford to and you should turn a deaf ear to MIL's manipulative act. Once you let her know that dh is going, I'll bet she'll settle down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A MILLION POINTS TO YOU, OP, FOR WRITING THIS CLEARLY AND DIRECTLY AND SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO INSTEAD OF ASKING OUR PERMISSION TO SAY NO.

That is all.

+1. I think you've handled this really well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Here's an excerpt from MIL's e-mail (names are fake):

"I am still upset that all of you are not coming to Fred and Ginger's wedding. This is an important and joyous occasion that will happen once in a lifetime. Can't you find a way to save the money? It's over 6 months away. We don't need Christmas presents this year."

I did not respond and forwarded to DH. Sigh.

That last line is classic! So MIL thinks that the $100 you might spend on Christmas gifts would really help make a dent in that $6000 travel bill. She cray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Couples who plan destination weddings do so because they want a small wedding! That's the whole point. They know it will price a lot of people out and that's exactly what they want - exotic, intimate, small gathering of closest loved ones.
OP - your DH going on his own is great. Have no guilt about keeping the kids home. Your MIL can say her peace but when you express your regrets for not being able to attend, I bet your BIL & SIL-to-be will not be at all heart broken.

Can I just say I find this super offensive? If you want a small, intimate wedding with your closest loved ones, then have that wedding. But planning a wedding that you know many of the invitees can't afford (indeed, because it's the kind of wedding that many invitees won't be able to afford) so that you can have that small wedding? Why not just not invite people that you don't want at your wedding? What if someone who truly loves you can't afford to attend? Are then not just close enough or loved enough?

Plus, while some couples might not care if people can't attend, I've also seen couples who went crazy when people said they couldn't go and insisted that friends and family go into debt or something to attend their wedding.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your MIL know that you guys are looking at not just "a lot of money," to attend, but a cool SIX GRAND? If she continues to press, let her know that tickets are $800, and there are five of you. Let her know you'd love to attend, but you simply cannot afford it. Or, better yet, let your husband tell her, "We cannot afford the six-thousand-dollars it would take for all of us to go, Mother." I would fantasize about asking her to pitch in $4500 to the cause, but that wouldn't be nice. Are your in-laws wealthy? My parents are not, and they would be DIScouraging us from attending at that price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your MIL know that you guys are looking at not just "a lot of money," to attend, but a cool SIX GRAND? If she continues to press, let her know that tickets are $800, and there are five of you. Let her know you'd love to attend, but you simply cannot afford it. Or, better yet, let your husband tell her, "We cannot afford the six-thousand-dollars it would take for all of us to go, Mother." I would fantasize about asking her to pitch in $4500 to the cause, but that wouldn't be nice. Are your in-laws wealthy? My parents are not, and they would be DIScouraging us from attending at that price.

And that's just the plane ticket. OP's dh should probably check and see if he's expected to pay for his own accommodations, too.

[Anonymous]

OP, you handled this well. But please le us know how it develops! I hate when people engage me (and others) on their family issues and then disappear without updates.

[Anonymous]

If MIL is SO concerned with you missing BIL wedding, let her pay for you all to be there. She doesn't know every piece of your financial situation. You saying it is cost prohibitive should be enough. Stand your ground and let DH enjoy the trip and time with his family. I doubt children of that age would enjoy a destination wedding anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If MIL is SO concerned with you missing BIL wedding, let her pay for you all to be there. She doesn't know every piece of your financial situation. You saying it is cost prohibitive should be enough. Stand your ground and let DH enjoy the trip and time with his family. I doubt children of that age would enjoy a destination wedding anyway.

Yes. Just tell MIL that you won't be able to pull 6K out of your...uh, thin air, lol. If it is really, really important to her that your entire family go on this trip, she will need to find a way for you all to do that. If that isn't possible, dh will be able to attend by himself assuming that the accommodations (and other expenses) are included or at least reasonably within the family budget.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I've been reluctant to let her know the actual amount as I feel it'll give her the opening to start nit-picking at how we spend our money. She knows it's "cost prohibitive" for us and that should be that.

DH told her to drop it and to not communicate with me about it anymore. I'm hoping she listens. They are not wealthy but they are not poor either. They have never offered us money. When they ask what to buy for the kids, I suggest contributions to their college funds as the kids receive lots of toys/presents from others. But they rather buy stuff. Oh well - their money, their choice.

They are going on a 3-week cruise next week so I'll have a reprieve from her.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Is this wedding at an expensive, upscale resort or will it simply be out of state. Would it be possible to drive there and save yourself some money on plane tickets?

I'm kind of envisioning this wedding taking place at some remote, tropical location but now that I read the original post I'm wondering if that's the case.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Hawaii - and yes, an expensive resort. We live in DC - would be very hare to drive there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Hawaii - and yes, an expensive resort. We live in DC - would be very hare to drive there.

Holy Shit. HAWAII!??

Nooooo Way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Hawaii - and yes, an expensive resort. We live in DC - would be very hare to drive there.

Unfortunately you pretty much have one transportation option then - plane - and you already know that won't be very doable for the 5 of you but it might be doable for dh (assuming that any other expenses aren't through the roof). I strongly suggest that you get a ballpark figure on the accommodations, too.

Good luck, OP. If it makes you feel any better, that really wouldn't be doable for my family, either. Your MIL will just have to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Hawaii - and yes, an expensive resort. We live in DC - would be very hare to drive there.

Holy Shit. HAWAII!??

Nooooo Way.

And THAT about sums it up, lol.