Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits
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Anonymous
+1 They seem very selfish. They probably stopped at one child because of inconvenience. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry, OP. I think your feelings are justified and are becoming more intense now that you are becoming a mother yourself. I get the sense that your parents, unfortunately, are yes, selfish, and likely were never that into being parents to begin with. Do you happen to know why you are an only child? Did they try for more and it didn't work out or did they have one and agree that the parent thing wasn't really something they wanted to prolong with more offspring? People are wired differently. I guess what I'd suggest is getting therapy to make peace with how this is all working out (limited grandparent involvement) and remind yourself how you felt so when you child(ren) grow up you don't turn into a checked out Ahole of a parent/grandparent.
One word of caution...selfish people like your parents are pretty easy to predict...one of your parents will inevitably pass away and the remaining parent will suddenly expect to be a big part of your life. |
Anonymous
Get creative.. Have you ever suggested a mutual vacation? You take vacation days, they take vacation days and everyone meets up in florida, or wyoming....somewhere in the middle that everyone can agree on... |
Anonymous
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Not directed at the OP, but I have noticed that when it comes to posters who complain about their parents visiting or not visiting, it seems like they want the parents to do so on their terms. Too long a stay or too frequent visits are unacceptable and too short a stay or too infrequent visits are also a cause for complaint.
So who is being selfish? Is it the parents or the kids who want these things on their terms? |
Anonymous
Why are you responding to a thread that you clearly haven't read? Just curious. Because OP already said she suggested mutual vacations but locals were not exotic enough for her parents (nor long enough). So, no, Florida is most likely not going to work for them. |
Anonymous
Hi OP. I just read this thread and am amazed that people are cruel to you. I get that now that you are starting a family you'd like to engage with yours more and it's all the more hurtful that they haven't even given enough just for you and probably won't for your child. That really sucks. I think you've laid out your feelings very clearly in the above paragraphs. I think you should consider having a heart to heart conversation with them where you lay out your feelings to them rather than to DCUM. I also think that this will change nothing on their part -- clearly they see their life on their terms and are willing to sacrifice your presence if you can't handle those, which you can't given your current job, husband and other life choices. I think therapy would help you a lot to mourn and accept this and I'd recommend getting a therapist before you have this heart to heart so that the therapist can help you cope with the fallout. I do agree a little bit with the PPs who suggested that maybe they will change after the baby is born, but I also think there is a very large possibility they will not, so you should not get your hopes up. Not having family around is loss, and I somewhat agree with the woman who says taht you need to "make" your family but you need to set your expectations right. I'd start with some good friends and people to enjoy the holidays with. Hopefully those will blossom into the kind of people that take you to the hospital in an emergency (and vice versa for you) and maybe into more. These people will not replace your family but can enrich your life. Good luck and I'm sorry that your parents and you aren't better matched. One last comment -- given the way they seem to shut you out, is there any possibility they are upset about something? Not suggesting that it is your fault but it seems like more than just preference if they sabotage your attempts to invite them to visit, vacation together. Maybe they really thought you would move to Hawaii too? Totally irrational, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to be direct about these issues with them. |
Anonymous
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As for making your own family, when it comes to holidays please start making your own traditions. Invite a couple or few close children and their parents over for a Christmas cookie baking and decorating event. Be sure to buy one new tree ornament for each child or one new "family ornament" each year and make a big deal out of it. Have a holiday open house and invite lots of folks. Join a church. Pick a couple holiday events and go as a family each year (a local small town parade, a free concert at the Millenium Stage at the Kennedy Center, a miniture train exhibit, visit the White House Christmas tree as a family.
These are all things we do as a "family" and it really makes the holidays feel full and happy. |
Anonymous
Huh? She should appreciate what she has? Our employers aren't our gods. Is her name Cinderella too? |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
It's quite telling that they expected you to move out there. They've chosen how they want to live and are not willing to compromise much. It's probably not very easy to find a job in Hawaii unless you want to work in the service sector, so the idea that they wanted you to move there for their own convenience is unfair. I'd love to move there too but, there are these really annoying things we all have to deal with called bills and unless they have terrific jobs lined up for you and your DH (your parents know better than anyone that Hawaii is not cheap a cheap state, remember almost everything has to be imported), you won't be moving there anytime soon. As others on this board have said, you need to come to terms with who they are. Maybe they planned the move to Hawaii for years and it was their big dream before you were even born. At the end of the day, they're your parents but they're also individual people with their own hopes and dreams and they're going to do what they want to do. I wish my parents would leave my awful boring hometown that is a real pain in the rear for me to travel to but it's what they want and I know they don't like to make big changes in their lives. I'll visit them when I can and if they want to see their grandchildren, they'll visit us when they can. As much as you want your baby to know his/her grandparents, it's not necessarily your job to cultivate that without any assistance and effort from the grandparents. Planes fly east as well as west. |
Anonymous
OP here. I love the idea of having our own traditions and have been thinking a lot about this lately. Not having family to spend holidays with has been a major source of depression for me for a long time. It's easy enough for us to do holiday events as a family, but it's very hard to try to connect with others during the holidays when everyone else is so "crazy busy" with tons of family nearby. I like all your suggestions very much. I think therapy is a good idea to help me deal with my feelings about this issue. It's very hard for me to accept that this is the way things are. |
Anonymous
| OP you have EVERY right to feel hurt and angry. I know I would in your position. Your expectations are not unreasonable and you are not being selfish. That said, you're not going to be able to change this about your parents. They have made their choices. You can express your hurt feelings to them, but it doesn't sound like that will make much difference. The only thing you can control here is how much their behavior affects you. They have shown who they are and what they want, so you need to find a way to stop hoping that they will be different. They won't. It sucks. But as PPs have suggested, now is the time to build your own "family". This can be through friends, a church/spiritual community, or by strengthening ties with other more distant relatives such as cousins or in-laws, etc. It is super shitty that your parents have chosen not to fill that role, and it's ok to mourn that. But then you need to focus your energies on building your new family instead of trying to remake the old one into something they will never be. |
Anonymous
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OP,
I'm on your side. No offense, but your parents sound awful and self-centered. They might want to visit more once you have a baby. If I were you, I wouldn't invite them anymore. Just sit back and let them initiate. If you keep trying to initiate, you will set yourself up for disappointment. My grandparents lived in South America. The plane rides were very long to get there. Your parents should absolutely be visiting you guys, not the other way around. Jet lag takes days to get over, and they have the time. Do you have aunts or uncles that perhaps you can get to know better and visit on holidays or sometimes? |
Anonymous
| I was just about to ask about with at too. Where is the rest of your extended family, if any? Aunts, uncles, cousins? Are both of your parents only children too? If not, don't they ever visit their siblings? I am sure your hormones are raging now that you are expecting. How far along are you? Is your relationship better with your dad or mom? It just seems like so far they are one voice and unit - kinda odd that your mom isn't planning a trip to see you before you deliver - let alone for the time you are home on maternity leave. Anyway, (((hugs))) to you, honey. Make your own family memories with your own children, and you will have that close knot family you always wanted. Create it. Don't let their selfishness rob you and your husband of that. They are selfish. Period. Visiting family can't always be in a tropical setting. It's about sharing memories, time and growing closer. Don't beat yourself up- it's not your fault. Create your own happiness and raise your children differently. |
Anonymous
OP here. I am 24 weeks along. Rest of extended family is scattered all over the country, and my closest kin is in Iowa, so not very close by. Unfortunately my parents are not close with any of their siblings and do not visit them--they only see them at family weddings, which are only once every 5 years or so. My parents just don't put a very high value on family. They are content to do their own thing in Hawaii and only talk to their siblings once or twice a year on the phone, if that. Since I grew up without any family in my hometown, I never really got to know my aunts/uncles/cousins very well, as I would only see them once every few years or so. I guess what recently really upset me was my parents telling me that they are planning another exotic vacation this fall. But they don't seem to have the time or inclination to visit me before I deliver. I haven't seen them in almost a year at this point, it will be well over a year when I deliver. It's like it just doesn't occur to them to visit me, though they manage to pack in plenty of other vacations each year. And when they do visit me it's only for 5 or 6 days, whereas the rest of their trips are 4-6 weeks long. |