Reply to Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Dealing with family living thousands of miles away and feeling resentful of infrequent visits"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]But you never know if things will change once your baby is born.   They might see that first picture or video and be on the next plane out.  You have no idea how they will react once the baby is actually born.  Stop being mad at them for something they haven't even done yet![/quote]

OP here.  But I'm mad at them now.  I feel hurt and resentful that they travel frequently, but only manage to visit me once a year.  I feel hurt and resentful that they're never there for me in the way I need them to be.  I feel hurt that they're not really a part of our lives.  I feel hurt that they chose great scenery and weather over some other location where they could see their only child more often, so clearly that was not a priority for them at all.  I feel hurt that they don't value family very much because they don't care that they don't see us more often than once a year.  I feel hurt that they never want to take vacations with my husband and me (I've suggested it many times, they say that they're only interested in long vacations in exotic locales, which I really can't do because of my limited vacation time.)  They are not interested in, say, a week with us in California or something.

Overall, while I am glad they are living in their tropical paradise, it really sucks for an only child with no other family.  I hated growing up as a child and only seeing my grandparents once a year, I felt so lonely.  I feel sad for our child that he/she will grow up the same way.[/quote]

Hi OP.  I just read this thread and am amazed that people are cruel to you.  I get that now that you are starting a family you'd like to engage with yours more and it's all the more hurtful that they haven't even given enough just for you and probably won't for your child.  That really sucks.

I think you've laid out your feelings very clearly in the above paragraphs.  I think you should consider having a heart to heart conversation with them where you lay out your feelings to them rather than to DCUM.  I also think that this will change nothing on their part -- clearly they see their life on their terms and are willing to sacrifice your presence if you can't handle those, which you can't given your current job, husband and other life choices.  I think therapy would help you a lot to mourn and accept this and I'd recommend getting a therapist before you have this heart to heart so that the therapist can help you cope with the fallout.

I do agree a little bit with the PPs who suggested that maybe they will change after the baby is born, but I also think there is a very large possibility they will not, so you should not get your hopes up.

Not having family around is loss, and I somewhat agree with the woman who says taht you need to "make" your family but you need to set your expectations right.  I'd start with some good friends and people to enjoy the holidays with.  Hopefully those will blossom into the kind of people that take you to the hospital in an emergency (and vice versa for you) and maybe into more. These people will not replace your family but can enrich your life.

Good luck and I'm sorry that your parents and you aren't better matched.

One last comment -- given the way they seem to shut you out, is there any possibility they are upset about something?  Not suggesting that it is your fault but it seems like more than just preference if they sabotage your attempts to invite them to visit, vacation together.  Maybe they really thought you would move to Hawaii too?  Totally irrational, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to be direct about these issues with them.
[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics