My sister has asked me for money. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But some of the problems have been her doing, of course. She dug her own money hole (with her husband of course). She is unreliable, there is no one else to blame for that. She chose this prize of a guy.

What difference does it make whether some of her problems are of her own doing? She's trying to extricate herself from the situation? If you don't want to help her, don't, but I don't understand why the fact that she made a poor choice and is trying to move on factors in.

actually, it does make a difference, and a big one. a person who has a pattern of poor decisions is likely to keep making the same bad decisions in the future, especially if the person does not, or refuse to, recognize her own responsiblity in the situation. throwing $1K or $2K at it, would not make any difference. I think OP is right in thinking about how to best help her sister and given the situation, just give her money is probably not going to help. plus, if the DH has significant funds from his family, she needs to rethink her strategy because $1K or $2K is nothing, it can easily cost tens of thousands.

to the posters who think OP is arrogant: I did not get the impression that OP thinks nothing can never happen to her that can put her in trouble (significant illness, loss of jobs and so on). I think she meant that the dire situation in which the sister is now is mostly the result of her sister's bad choices, choices that OP would not have made. I don't see how this is arrogant. I had in my family an idiot who destroyed his family' finances basically by leaving the grand life he could not afford (luxury cars he could pay for a while until they were repossessed, renting large home until he would be evicted for nonpayment of rent and so on). his kids ended up having to work since high school and he started going back to them every once in a while to beg them to give him money to avoid going banckrupt. he ate up his son's downpayment for a house. after years like this, his son stopped answering the phone, because he knew the father was after his savings again. there is no way to help people like this

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your sister is on a slowly sinking ship. As tough as it is to see her flounder it will do you no good to drag yourself and your family on board with her. Yoyr parents will end up having to help both of you, then they'll be out of retirement funds. Then all of you will sink together. Martyrdom isn't the answer. She's going to need more than a grand or two to deal with this. Its more like tens ofbyjousands of dollars. Does she expect you to taje out a second mortgage or sell your car-and possibly strain your own marriage and kids-to finance her divorce? She should have been working on an exit strategy a long time ago. She knew this guy wasn't so great for a very, very long time.

[Anonymous]

She should have been working on an exit strategy a long time ago. She knew this guy wasn't so great for a very, very long time.

It is easy to say that, but especially when there are kids involved, for a long time people often feel that it isn't bad enough to make a change until it becomes really really awful. I'm sure that the sister made several bad choices along the way, but if it were me, I would give the sister what I could afford, primarily so that she could deal with the custody issue for the good of her kids. If he husband is a bad guy, really would not want my niece or nephew to be stuck with him as their primary caregiver. They didn't make any bad choices that led to the situation, they're kids. I would make it clear that I couldn't help her financially after this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your sister, how is this even a question?

If you have the money...give it. If you don't, well there is your answer.

agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your sister is on a slowly sinking ship. As tough as it is to see her flounder it will do you no good to drag yourself and your family on board with her. Yoyr parents will end up having to help both of you, then they'll be out of retirement funds. Then all of you will sink together. Martyrdom isn't the answer. She's going to need more than a grand or two to deal with this. Its more like tens ofbyjousands of dollars. Does she expect you to taje out a second mortgage or sell your car-and possibly strain your own marriage and kids-to finance her divorce? She should have been working on an exit strategy a long time ago. She knew this guy wasn't so great for a very, very long time.

I agree with this. But unfortunately, some women will stay with a loser man because they think that they can't do better, or they love him. He doesn't "love" her, he wants out. But the messy result remains. Then the sister gets depressed and lets it all go to hell, and there is an even bigger mess. that is why sometimes you cannot jump in with funds. Because there is no limit.

[Anonymous]

You're sister is in a bad way and clearly needs help. I'd give her what you can afford with the knowledge it may not be repaid. Set up an account in your name that has a joint user card available in her name. She can deposit what she earns from here on out into the account.as well and may even be able to get a.credit card in her own name based on it (this is for.future planning purposes not now) If.she asks for more in the future either give more based on the history or tell her you gave what you could at the time. She is your sister and she needs help, help her.

[Anonymous]

To everyone who is posting and denigrating the OP for hesitating to help her sister, you clearly do not have a sibling like the OP's. OP could give her sister $10k and it would likely change nothing. I will not give my sister a dollar because I know no matter how much money I give, my sister won't change and her life will stay exactly the same. Also, to those of you who are posting and saying, "Don't you want your sister to have custody?" Unless there is some proof of unfitness or unless the parties agree to something different, custody is going to be 50/50. By unfitness I mean abuse of the children that is verified, drug abuse that leaves the children uncared for to the degree that government agencies must care for the children, etc. Not he feeds them food they don't like for dinner because he thinks it is healthy. Not he takes them to the train museum instead of the pool because he thinks it is educational. Not he makes them take a shower instead of a bath because a shower is more convenient for him. Not he lets them watch TV all day because he is tired and wants to sleep. Her husband may be a jerk, but being a jerk is not a bar to being a parent. If he wants 50/50 custody, he will get it. If she expresses that she wants to have her children with her, she will have them 50% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is relevant that some of these problems are her fault, because I think my sister doesn't realize her own culpability in all this, and that she is still going to blame others for her own screw ups.

For example, if I were in her situation right now, I would be finding an apartment, and figuring out a way to pay for it, or exactly how much it's going to run me for 6 months or a year. Or I would know exactly how much I owe an attorney and how I can get this done as quickly as possible. Or I would be getting free legal aid or going to a women's shelter. My sister is vague about all these things.

To those who say she should turn to my parents, believe me that is not the answer. It would be bad for them and for her.

You don't know what you would be doing if YOUR life fell apart. You can pat yourself on the back but it is just bullshit until it actually happens to YOU. And what about the kids? Don't you want to make sure that your sister gets custody and any money she can in child support. You're damn cold.

Pretty certain that the sister would be no help! That is why she needs to save her won money.

[Anonymous]

^^that's own money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To everyone who is posting and denigrating the OP for hesitating to help her sister, you clearly do not have a sibling like the OP's. OP could give her sister $10k and it would likely change nothing. I will not give my sister a dollar because I know no matter how much money I give, my sister won't change and her life will stay exactly the same. Also, to those of you who are posting and saying, "Don't you want your sister to have custody?" Unless there is some proof of unfitness or unless the parties agree to something different, custody is going to be 50/50. By unfitness I mean abuse of the children that is verified, drug abuse that leaves the children uncared for to the degree that government agencies must care for the children, etc. Not he feeds them food they don't like for dinner because he thinks it is healthy. Not he takes them to the train museum instead of the pool because he thinks it is educational. Not he makes them take a shower instead of a bath because a shower is more convenient for him. Not he lets them watch TV all day because he is tired and wants to sleep. Her husband may be a jerk, but being a jerk is not a bar to being a parent. If he wants 50/50 custody, he will get it. If she expresses that she wants to have her children with her, she will have them 50% of the time.

Agree. And the sister will not agree to have assets separate (...she cannot rent apartment on her own...) which says that she still wants to be in this mess with her husband or ex. You cannot solve other people's problems.

[Anonymous]

Very weird that she has to move out, if she an unfit mother ?

[Anonymous]

Make check payable to lawyer and let her know this is a one-time gift.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Sister does not HAVE to move out, sister has chosen to stay with friends in the evenings so she doesn't have to deal with her husband living in the same space. they both still own a house together, and she works there during the day while the kids are out.

Sister has emailed me to ask me for money again. No amount given. Three weeks have gone by since we last talked by phone, and in that call she just laid it all out that she is broke, can't afford the lawyer. She was supposed to send me information on a separate bank account for just her money and didn't.

Not sure what i'm going to do.

Just wanted to post that this is not over.

[Anonymous]

Talk to the lawyer yourself and snuff out if sister even has a case to stand on.

[Anonymous]

Whatever it costs, get your sister and the kids out of there. My BIL just killed my sister. The situation sounds just like your sister's. Now we are raising her traumatized kids and BIL's in jail. Please get her and the kids to a safe place. My BIL had no prior criminal record. Restraining orders won't protect her either. Do not delay!