My sister has asked me for money. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

My sister is going through a horrible divorce. Her soon to be ex is suing her for custody of their two kids. They are both broke, but her husband is using his mom and dad as the piggy bank to sue her and get a lawyer. She does not want to do that with our mom and dad.

She has always struggled financially but has never asked me for money, and we are almost 40. She cannot live at home with her kids and her almost ex right now, and is staying with friends and taking care of the kids during the day while he is not there. She has a job that makes just enough where she doesn't qualify for aid or free legal services.

I saw her recently and offered to give her $1000 to $2000, after talking it over with DH, as just rental deposit on an apartment. She started crying and said "I don't want to take you're money, i'll pay you back..., etc". But something about the way their assets are still joint, she cannot pay for the apartment on her own, so we decided we couldn't float her a year's worth of rent.

Anyway, she just asked me for money for legal fees. (no $$ amount given, it was via email). I know that if I give the money to not expect it back, but what should I do here?

[Anonymous]

Ask her how much. If you can help her and want to her help her, then do it. I agree that if you do give the money, do not expect it back. I lend my siblings money pretty often. But, I'm okay with it. I do not feel obligated to (and you shouldn't either), but if I can help them, I will.

[Anonymous]

What do you want to do? Do you have the money to give? What does your husband say about it? Would the children be better off with her or with her husband?

As you mention, if you give, do so with the expectation that you will not be paid back. (Not saying you won't be, just that you and DH need to be very prepared for the possibility... basically you should look at getting paid back as a bonus.)

It's a tough spot to be in. Good luck figuring it out.

[Anonymous]

Think about what you can really afford and whether she really needs it. I am going through something similar with my sister. I have given her several thousand dollars over the last couple of years. Just loaned her a car for a few months. She is almost back on her feet, but it has been rough and I had some very guilty moments.

My sister went through mediation for her divorce. She had a free attorney (I found it for her) because her husband went to legal aid first.
I would help her help herself before I started writing checks. I wrote plenty of checks but I researched to make sure there was not another option first. Good luck and hugs to you for being a really good sister.

[Anonymous]

Your sister probably asked via email b/c she feels ashamed to talk to you in person.

I would if you and DH can swing it financially and if she is a trustworthy person, e.g., she doesn't have a drug or gambling problem where she'd blow the money. I'm sure she's completely stressed about trying to move on and get her life on track.

[Anonymous]

I would if I understood why she was getting divorced and who initiated. Is her husband abusive in some way and she needs to get out? Did they just fall out of love? Does he have a gambling or drinking problem? Or did she rekindle a high school romance with the true love of her life? I would help my sister based on the answers to those questions. Interesting that he wants (full?) custody. Not even joint?

[Anonymous]

It's your sister, how is this even a question?

If you have the money...give it. If you don't, well there is your answer.

[Anonymous]

Uhmmm, give her the money. What's the difference in it being for an apt (which you were willing to do) and legal fees?

[Anonymous]

OP here. As with most things that require questions, it's complicated.

my sis has always been a sweet person but not the most responsible or detail-oriented. She's not someone I would give money to invest. She and ex have no retirement savings and about $50k in combined debt. Their house will probably sell for enough for them to pay off the mortgage and that's it. (She lives a few states away).

I'm not expecting to get paid back, at least not for 5 years or so. as far as the divorce, yes I'd divorce him. He's mean, and is making this more costly of a divorce because he doesn't want to lose or be at fault that the marriage failed. They both are the yelling and screaming type, always have been. He is trying to claim she has a drinking problem, which is not the case.

She is not the most reliable person, no. But is she undeserving? She is legitimately going through a hard time, always has been to some extent but this is probably the worst. Also, if it is under $2500 max, DH and I could probably do it.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I'm afraid of setting up a precedent that she asks me for money, because I think it wouldn't stop here.

[Anonymous]

I would research the lawyer and pay it if you can afford it. A good lawyer could be an investment if it means she gets more child support

I would also make sure she has health insurance for her and the kids. They may be eligible for chips or other programs. You don't want to be hit it for health care costs (hard to turn down ) in the future

[Anonymous]

What if the roles were reversed?

[Anonymous]

i wouldn't worry about the precedent if you are very clear when you give her the money that financially this is as much as you and your husband are willing to help with. tell her that you love her and have no expectation of her paying it back, it is a gift. but also let her know that is the extent of the financial help you can provide.

[Anonymous]

What a cold world we live in where you can't even ask family for help. If you have the money and choose not to help then you are an ass. If you don't have it, then you don't have it.

If you have it and give it to her but you will be bitter if one day you see her at mcdonalds...then don't give it. If you are going to sit around calculating what she has spent in the past, and if she is eating beans and rice now- then keep your money. She can get kinder help from a stranger.

[Anonymous]

It seems like this is a one-time thing. I think you should talk with your parents and see if you and Mom and Dad can give Sister a combined gift of $10k or however much.

However much it is, I'd say give it to her in two installments. Also, make sure she's got a good lawyer so you can be confident the money is going to good use.