My sister has asked me for money. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

I asked my sister if I could speak to her lawyer directly. She says her lawyer charges her every time someone talks to her about the case, so she would get charged if I call the lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I asked my sister if I could speak to her lawyer directly. She says her lawyer charges her every time someone talks to her about the case, so she would get charged if I call the lawyer.

Well, yes, the lawyer will charge for all of his/her time, but they really should not be speaking to you in any event.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]My sister is going through a horrible divorce. Her soon to be ex is suing her for custody of their two kids. They are both broke, but her husband is using his mom and dad as the piggy bank to sue her and get a lawyer. She does not want to do that with our mom and dad.

She has always struggled financially but has never asked me for money, and we are almost 40. She cannot live at home with her kids and her almost ex right now, and is staying with friends and taking care of the kids during the day while he is not there. She has a job that makes just enough where she doesn't qualify for aid or free legal services.

I saw her recently and offered to give her $1000 to $2000, after talking it over with DH, as just rental deposit on an apartment. She started crying and said "I don't want to take you're money, i'll pay you back..., etc". But something about the way their assets are still joint, she cannot pay for the apartment on her own, so we decided we couldn't float her a year's worth of rent.

Anyway, she just asked me for money for legal fees. (no $$ amount given, it was via email). I know that if I give the money to not expect it back, but what should I do here?[/quote]

She really needs a good lawyer. Seeking full custody is a common move by STBXHs to get STBEWs from seeking alimony or child support. Sounds like her STBEXH's lawyer is a killer.Tell her to watch out.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Think about what you can really afford and whether she really needs it. I am going through something similar with my sister. I have given her several thousand dollars over the last couple of years. Just loaned her a car for a few months. She is almost back on her feet, but it has been rough and I had some very guilty moments.

My sister went through mediation for her divorce. She had a free attorney (I found it for her) because her husband went to legal aid first.
I would help her help herself before I started writing checks. I wrote plenty of checks but I researched to make sure there was not another option first. Good luck and hugs to you for being a really good sister. [/quote]

+1. Get her a good solid legal referral. She needs it.

[Anonymous]

Neither party needs a pricey lawyer when they have no assets and are in debt. They can go to mediation. Don't discount Legal Aid or an attorney from one of the legal clinics run by local law schools, which are run by law professors. If she's constantly asking you for money and so is he, they don't need a pricey divorce, they need to end it as quietly and cheaply as possible. Somehow, given the scenario you described, that seems like a long shot.

[Anonymous]

OP here. They know they could go do it cheaply, and that's what my sister wants. Unfortunately my BIL is a rat-bastard and wants to win. He wants this to be her fault, so he doesn't look bad somehow. He is the one making this expensive.

[Anonymous]

My husband did this sort of thing several times for his sister and she still to this day spends ever penny she makes, every penny she inherited and she feels very entitled to financial help now. Never saw a dime back. Every time there was a sob story and a promise this would never happen again.

Here's my advice...if you plan to give, do not expect a penny back. If she does repay you be grateful, but do not have that expectation because it can just cause resentment. Find out the exact amount she is asking for and decide if you think it is reasonable and if you can afford it. Legal fees can be more then tens of thousands. Make sure your husband is on board. I would not do this without making him a part of the discussion.

As someone mentioned the best idea is to find a way to help her help herself. Look into free options or pro-rated options for legal assistance. She may be too overwhelmed to research this. If she indeed goes this route and does not need financial help for legal fees, I would find ways to keep helping her emotionally, as I'm sure you already do. If you can offer to babysit the kids now and then, do so, but you probably already do. Give her a gift card to a grocery store or for a favorite shop. Offer to make dinner one night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your sister, how is this even a question?

If you have the money...give it. If you don't, well there is your answer.

When you get married and have kids, those become your first priority. If the money is going to cause a huge strain in a marriage or take away from a child's needs, then it's not just about affording it, it's about figuring out what is best for the family unit you formed. A good lawyer can bankrupt someone easily. There is a difference between giving someone $1,000 and oh 50,000 and even if you have the money, it doesn't mean it is wise to part for it because it's your "sister." People end up in marital counseling over taking from their savings to bail other people out. It's not as simple as, you have the money, give it, unless you are the only person in your household.

[Anonymous]

Never give unless you are comfortable with never getting paid back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never give unless you are comfortable with never getting paid back.

+1000