Mommy school drama, how to deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread has me thinking about my/my DC's situation at school. DC started at the school 2 years ago and we simply haven't clicked socially. I say "we" b/c I have reached out to the moms and have not found them receptive to including me socially. In addition, I routinely tried to set up playdates. Sometimes a child would come over for a playdate but with maybe one exception, my DC wasn't invited to the other child's house. I have wondered, worried, analyzed, etc. about this situation for so long.
What was so odd about this situation is that my DC is a very social, friendly, smart, polite kid. In addition, there is nothing "out of the ordinary" about our family - our socioeconomic/education/background is similar to most at the school. I have volunteered, hosted school events at our house, etc. We have always been well liked in other situations (as has our DC), but with this cohort of parents/kids, we simply can't get any traction. I've tried everything.
I guess I'm compelled to write this to say that sometimes people just chose to freeze someone out. Sadly, this has happened here. For us, we've decided that the education our DC is getting has been worth staying (one more year only), but we have all learned important lessons about finding your supporters elsewhere when the school cohort isn't a great fit. Our friends are not parents at the school and, although our DC is treated well at school, it never translates into playdates, invitations to their birthday parties, etc. So, DC's lesson is that these are school-friends and that the great friends are old ones from other schools, from sports teams, from church, from camp and family friends. Yes, it is wrong and crummy but these things can be growing experiences if the family treats it right and doesn't give the mean crowd too much power.

NP here and I've gone through this with a particular group of neighborhood friends as well. Obligatory inclusion (by them) in large group activities but can't get anywhere with efforts to build actual friendships. I'm letting it go, but it's easy to get stuck on needing/wanting to be friends with a particular person or group that it seems like you "should" click with even when it's clear you're banging your head against a wall.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like these women need jobs and a real sense of purpose, OP, if they are seriously reliving high school all over again.

Ignore them, as best you can. Don't let your kids know how you feel or introduce any awkwardness with regards to other kids. Keep asking about playdates and such, but as far as greetings at drop off, don't bother with them. Bring a book if you have to wait, but don't give them any chance to make you feel badly.

[Anonymous]

OP again, I had coffee with another mother from DC's class whose opinion I value and trust and she wouldn't really say what others were saying about me, but confirmed that I seemed to be some sort of martyr. she seemed uncomfortable talking about it and I don't want her to feel that way or in the middle, so I just changed the subject. It really strikes me as strange, I have never had this happen in my life before, not saying I am super popular or perfect or even like able by any means. I guess I need to just hold my head up high, but honestly it stings quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

Send your kid to public school -- or at least a different (perhaps larger) private school.

If the parents are acting cliquey, then the kids will eventually act that way, too. If your child is already being shut out and even the friendly mother won't tell you why (when it's obvious she knows), that isn't a place you want your kid to be. Either it will continue to be an uphill battle for you and your kid, or your kid will become cliquey like the others in order to fit in.

When moms and kids for whatever reason shut someone out, it is not the kind of thing that blows over. It may become less obvious/severe, but I doubt your kid will ever be able to fit in with any circle of friends there.

I'd start looking now for a new school in September. And again, maybe give public school a chance.

If you really don't want to switch schools, perhaps have coffee again with that mother and say flat out, "this isn't just about me; it's affecting my child. I understand you're uncomfortable telling me, but we're talking about my kid being socially shut out. I deserve to know what this is about."

If she doesn't tell you, then she's not your friend and she's almost just as bad as the people who are shutting you and your child out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I had coffee with another mother from DC's class whose opinion I value and trust and she wouldn't really say what others were saying about me, but confirmed that I seemed to be some sort of martyr. she seemed uncomfortable talking about it and I don't want her to feel that way or in the middle, so I just changed the subject. It really strikes me as strange, I have never had this happen in my life before, not saying I am super popular or perfect or even like able by any means. I guess I need to just hold my head up high, but honestly it stings quite a bit.

Wait, I don't understand - they think you're a "martyr," as in, you take on too much and put yourself out there as overtaxed, overburdened, but hanging in anyway? And that makes you not fun to hang out with? I can't imagine a reason everyone would band together and hate a "martyr."

Or did she actually mean you're some sort of sacrificial lamb, as in, you're taking the fall for something you didn't do? Which makes much more sense here, given the complete freeze you're seeing from all the other moms.

Martyrs might be annoying and self-righteous, but I can't imagine everyone hating you for it. Can you please clarify?

[Anonymous]

To go on what PP said, if they view you as annoying and self righteous...that might explain why they don't want to hang out with you anymore. It doesn't necessarily mean they hate you, just means they don't. like being around you.

There is a mom in my son's group of friends who is the self righteous martyr type. I really don't enjoy hanging out with her, but our sons are too young for a drop off playdate and I don't want to punish our kids because their mom is annoying.

Perhaps you need some self reflection on this issue.

[Anonymous]

This could have just been started by 1 person so don't go accusing OP of being responsible for this. Sometimes people don't play nicely.
OP, just get out there and behave as you would normally. If these hens can't think for themselves then who needs them.

[Anonymous]

I would approach the queen bee and simply say, "Can I talk to you for a second? I sense a coldness from you towards me. I'd like to talk to you about it and understand where it's coming from. If I've done something to upset you, I'd truly like to know. Would you please do me the courtesy of telling me honestly what is wrong?"

I think people must be gossiping about you based on the odd conversation with that drunk dad. I mean, where did that come from? Was that his way of trying to see if you'd be interested in a little cheating action? Maybe people think you're out to wreck a marriage? Do you recall ever making some sort of judgment statement that could have turned people off (like, if you work, have you ever said something negative about SAHMs and woman that make that choice?)?

All that said, I do think if you're in a toxic school environment full of the sorts of parents who would exclude a young child from things like playdates and birthday parties because they don't care for the child's parents, it's time to look for a new school. There's no reforming morally bankrupt and cruel adults like that. They will continue to live in their exclusionary bubbles and short of declaring bankruptcy, that won't change. The exclusion will begin to wear on your daughter and impact her self-confidence and joy. Yes, school is for education, but your current school is certainly not the only one where a good education can be had. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I bet its Blessed Sacrament.

[Anonymous]

Jealousy.

Usually this type of treatment stems from another person's insecurity or jealousy. Keep your head high and don't let the bitches keep you down.

[Anonymous]

After reading through the thread, I have two thoughts. First, if someone tells me my marriage is in trouble, even if drunk, I would talk to my spouse about it. Hopefully, you would hear what you need to hear, but you need to ask. If you are feel good with your spouse, then the others don't matter. I didn't see any of your posts where you mention your spouses view, so that is why I mention it.

Second, I too have felt excluded before, but I just move on. I am a decent person, I am self-aware and can admit my mistakes. If someone doesn't like me, I can try to work on it, but I won't force it. Sometimes people even come back to me after some time has lapsed.

A few years ago, I witnessed some major backstabbing at work that killed careers within the company. After experiencing that environment and the mental strain it put on me, I vowed never to go through that again, even if it means I have to quit my job. I also am never going to contribute to that kind of environment. I won't talk negatively about people, unless I can say it to their face first. This kind of weird, secretive, clubby environment can drain your soul. You need to stay true to yourself.

Good luck OP. You sound like a decent person. I am sure in the long run, you will develop a nice social circle.

[Anonymous]

OP here again, thanks for all the suggestions and support. I have spoken with my DH and he never talks to the people at school because he never sees them. I also believe we have a by solid marriage so the marriage rumor is not one that concerns me that it is true but that someone would make that up.

I have been executing a kill them with kindness campaign. I am continuing to be pleasant to the women in question but it still irks me that I would be come the subject of a negative mommy campaign. In all honesty, if we were all back in high school or college I am not sure we would be hanging in the same circles, so perhaps we aren't just comparable people. However I would never gossip about someone, much less make stuff up. It is like the real housewives of DC I guess.

[Anonymous]

OP, why did you withdraw your child from the Big 3 school?

[Anonymous]

How did you even get involved with them?
I don't know most kids in my son's class nor their parents. The few I recognize are always pleasant. Even if they didn't like me, I wouldn't know it.
Kill them with your kindness, but act like you are too busy for them in order to minimize contact.
By the way, there are plenty of lovely DC elementary schools in upper NW.

[Anonymous]

NP here, IMHO I think this is a form of adult bullying. It is sad that adult women ice each other out, at work,,school,or,other social situations. Plain sad. Women should be supporting other women. Mothers supporting other mothers. I guess high school never really is over.