Choosing not to pursue fertility treatments

[Anonymous]

PP from above^^ stopping treatment would have meant no children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Infertility survivor here: one of the worst aspects (among all the rest) is that it deprives you of a sane “choice.” The pressure is on the cycle is moving the money is spent the friends have kids and are moving on with parenthood. You feel left behind. Your emotions are a wreck ...
It’s hard to stop and make a real choice for yourself. We did not realize how much we had developed a child free lifestyle (by default) until we became parents at 42 after 5 years of trying.
We were lucky: our DC is a healthy happy kid, a great kid. But I didn’t realize that we could have been equally happy to have chosen to just stop and be childfree.

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infertility survivor here: one of the worst aspects (among all the rest) is that it deprives you of a sane “choice.” The pressure is on the cycle is moving the money is spent the friends have kids and are moving on with parenthood. You feel left behind. Your emotions are a wreck ...
It’s hard to stop and make a real choice for yourself. We did not realize how much we had developed a child free lifestyle (by default) until we became parents at 42 after 5 years of trying.
We were lucky: our DC is a healthy happy kid, a great kid. But I didn’t realize that we could have been equally happy to have chosen to just stop and be childfree.

THIS

+1

[Anonymous]

Back when I was in the infertility trenches (come to think of it, I still am — it sticks with you and you carry the scars even after a successful pregnancy) I used to joke that if someone told me that slathering myself in honey and jumping into a fire ant hill would have gotten me pregnant, I would have been like “does it matter what brand of honey and how much?” I would have moved heaven and earth to become a mom and the journey ultimately wasn’t easy. We had every type of test under the sun (still unexplained), multiple IUIs, ivf, acupuncture, Mayan massage, surgery, the meds even gave me a cancer scare. My savings and sanity were tapped out. But it worked. And after a hard pregnancy and a God-awful delivery, he is sleeping next to me and i’v Never been more grateful for anything in my life. If you’re asking a bunch of strangers on dcum, this leads me to believe that you’re not completely at peace with the decision not to pursue treatment. I can’t tell you what to do, because this issue is so intensely personal, so instead I wish you contentment and luck in whatever choice you make. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have been fine if things didn't work for our first (I was 39), but they did quickly and seemingly easily. But then I really wanted a second only to find out that we had been insanely lucky with the first and then of course, there was my age. I didn't think I'd do IVF b/c I'd heard it was terrible, but the more I learned, the less it seemed so terrible - and I found it pretty easy physically. It was still a rough process in multiple ways. I think being fine with none or one or however many you happen to already have is fabulous.

I highly doubt that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back when I was in the infertility trenches (come to think of it, I still am — it sticks with you and you carry the scars even after a successful pregnancy) I used to joke that if someone told me that slathering myself in honey and jumping into a fire ant hill would have gotten me pregnant, I would have been like “does it matter what brand of honey and how much?” I would have moved heaven and earth to become a mom and the journey ultimately wasn’t easy. We had every type of test under the sun (still unexplained), multiple IUIs, ivf, acupuncture, Mayan massage, surgery, the meds even gave me a cancer scare. My savings and sanity were tapped out. But it worked. And after a hard pregnancy and a God-awful delivery, he is sleeping next to me and i’v Never been more grateful for anything in my life. If you’re asking a bunch of strangers on dcum, this leads me to believe that you’re not completely at peace with the decision not to pursue treatment. I can’t tell you what to do, because this issue is so intensely personal, so instead I wish you contentment and luck in whatever choice you make. Good luck!

out of curiosity, if it didn't work, how might have you felt? i do think hindsight is 20/20. for those who are successful, of course everything seems worth it. for those who are not, it might seem like "why did I waste all this time, money and sanity..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back when I was in the infertility trenches (come to think of it, I still am — it sticks with you and you carry the scars even after a successful pregnancy) I used to joke that if someone told me that slathering myself in honey and jumping into a fire ant hill would have gotten me pregnant, I would have been like “does it matter what brand of honey and how much?” I would have moved heaven and earth to become a mom and the journey ultimately wasn’t easy. We had every type of test under the sun (still unexplained), multiple IUIs, ivf, acupuncture, Mayan massage, surgery, the meds even gave me a cancer scare. My savings and sanity were tapped out. But it worked. And after a hard pregnancy and a God-awful delivery, he is sleeping next to me and i’v Never been more grateful for anything in my life. If you’re asking a bunch of strangers on dcum, this leads me to believe that you’re not completely at peace with the decision not to pursue treatment. I can’t tell you what to do, because this issue is so intensely personal, so instead I wish you contentment and luck in whatever choice you make. Good luck!

out of curiosity, if it didn't work, how might have you felt? i do think hindsight is 20/20. for those who are successful, of course everything seems worth it. for those who are not, it might seem like "why did I waste all this time, money and sanity..."

Had it not worked, I would have been completely heartbroken, devastated, angry, sad (just thinking about it makes me want to cry.) But at least I wouldn't be living with the regret of "Maybe, if I had just tried this one more thing, it might have worked." If you try and it doesn't work out, you'll be devastated. If you don't try and it doesn't work out, you'll be devastated. At least this way you'll know you've given it your everything.

Again, I realize this is intensely personal stuff and people might feel differently -- everyone grieves in different ways and approaches this process with their own limitations (that's leaving aside the fact that in this country ART is a rich persons' game, so that choice is taken away altogether from A LOT of people...) Only you can decide how far you're willing to push your body, your marriage, your finances, with no guarantee of success.There's no one "right answer" with anything, when it comes to infertility. For example, I know of someone that was finally successful on their 9th retrieval and I'm not sure I would have had it in me to push quite this far.

[Anonymous]

We stopped and decided to stay childless. There was no way we could afford more treatment without greatly impacting our financial situation, and I seemed to be developing more health issues. We were never able to have any children, and I was heartbroken.

A few years out now, and while I still would have preferred to have a child, I think maybe it's best for the long run we did not. Health concerns, financial issues, and the deaths and illnesses of parents have followed. I've also realized I want to purse more creative endeavours which would have been financially difficult with children. So there is life after deciding to stop pursuing having a child.

[Anonymous]

And, there is an ifchildfree (childfree due to infertility) group on Reddit which has been very helpful to me. Since many can afford fertility treatments or find them effective, it's been really helpful for me to connect with others who have not.
https://www.reddit.com/r/IFchildfree/

[Anonymous]

And, also, we decided adoption was not for us either OP. Sometimes I do feel very alone and wish we could meet other couples who have made the same decision in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

I feel very grateful that I was able to afford to move to DE IVF. We are still paying for our toddler. So the financial squeeze continues long after the baby is here. He is amazing and worth every penny and heartache. And we looked at Embry Donation because it was so much cheaper.

But I can also see another reality where we stopped. And lived a happy child free life (wth a renovated kitchen LOL).

What I do know is that regardless of your decision, you will find your footing. It takes awhile, either way— you end up having a child or you close the door on having a child, but You will eventually discover your new normal and find peace and happiness.

[Anonymous]

I pushed for marriage b/c I wanted kids. Neither of us thought we would have problems conceiving. We had a very tense conversation, leading to many more, about whether to go to a clinic, or lead a child-free life. Once on the clinic path, and w/ other factors, we did a Plan A, B, C, D - IVF etc., donor egg, adoption, foster -- we became totally commited to building a family. We gave ourselves a time line and somewhat of a monetary limit. It was a rough few months to make that decision - for both of us it was like deciding to get married - and didn't look back. I love the advice on this board: mine is to really decide what you want and then pursue. Together.

This was us. Almost exactly. I have friends who never pursued fertility treatments/adoption/etc. and are happy child-free, one couple who got PG in their 40's (know that this is rare), but with hind-sight I can say: we would have been miserable if we hadn't given it our all. In particular, I ended up having a lot of bitter feelings toward my mom, who gave all of my baby stuff to my brother and SIL, and, after I had my DD, gave all of her family's jewelry to my niece. Without the security of knowing this was her issue and not my lack of kids, we would have had a very troubled relationship. Being a parent was the right decision for my husband and me, and while I often regret not starting earlier, I'm glad we went through it.

[Anonymous]

This is a little different situation, but we decided not to pursue fertility treatments (beyond IUIs) for baby #2. I got pregnant on the first try with my daughter, then started TTC #2 when she was 10 months old. I had an easy pregnacny and delivery too, so never would have imagined I would run into infertility problems. By the time she turned 15 months I was already doing IUIs and had a diagnosis of "unexplained secondary infertility." All my tests and my husband's tests were normal, and neither of us had any health problems. There was no reason why I shouldn't have been able to get pregnant.

Later I would have surgery which also did not work. After 4 IUIs, surgery, and the RE telling us that I had less than a 10% chance with IVF, we decided to stop. Now my daughter is 5.5 years old, and we've been TTC #2 since she was 10 months old, with zero pregnancies. We are still TTC but on our own. We decided against DE and adoption. We decided that whatever nature has intended for us will be what will be. But I'm pretty sure I will never be pregnant again.

The hardest part was having no answers but I eventually decided to just accept.

Now that my daughter is almost 6, I am starting to feel too old to be pregnant again. The 3 of us are a close family, and we have a lot of fun together traveling the world, my daughter gets to do any and every activity she wants, and I have gone back to work at my dream job. My husband and I are able to pursue our hobbies and interests. I can see very clearly the benefits of having an only child. At this point the ache of not being able to have a second child isn't as strong for me as it was in the toddler/early preschool years, and while our family still feels incomplete, I feel more content now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a little different situation, but we decided not to pursue fertility treatments (beyond IUIs) for baby #2. I got pregnant on the first try with my daughter, then started TTC #2 when she was 10 months old. I had an easy pregnacny and delivery too, so never would have imagined I would run into infertility problems. By the time she turned 15 months I was already doing IUIs and had a diagnosis of "unexplained secondary infertility." All my tests and my husband's tests were normal, and neither of us had any health problems. There was no reason why I shouldn't have been able to get pregnant.

Later I would have surgery which also did not work. After 4 IUIs, surgery, and the RE telling us that I had less than a 10% chance with IVF, we decided to stop. Now my daughter is 5.5 years old, and we've been TTC #2 since she was 10 months old, with zero pregnancies. We are still TTC but on our own. We decided against DE and adoption. We decided that whatever nature has intended for us will be what will be. But I'm pretty sure I will never be pregnant again.

The hardest part was having no answers but I eventually decided to just accept.

Now that my daughter is almost 6, I am starting to feel too old to be pregnant again. The 3 of us are a close family, and we have a lot of fun together traveling the world, my daughter gets to do any and every activity she wants, and I have gone back to work at my dream job. My husband and I are able to pursue our hobbies and interests. I can see very clearly the benefits of having an only child. At this point the ache of not being able to have a second child isn't as strong for me as it was in the toddler/early preschool years, and while our family still feels incomplete, I feel more content now.

this is a really helpful perspective, thank you

[Anonymous]

Just a warning: after doing all those treatments all that estrogen— years later the excess estrogen caused severe vision problems. The doc kind of hinted around that too much estrogen too many treatments would have a long term effect. He was right. Legally blind.