Choosing not to pursue fertility treatments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I decided not to pursue fertility treatments and adoption is not for us. I feel like I'm in a very small minority. Any of you take the "if it happens, it happens" approach?

I think you are in a small minority because we live in a culture of instant gratification. I admire your ability to accept what life gives you and make the best of it.

When we were diagnosed with male IF, I fell into a deep depression and lost a close friend who was pregnant at the time. Since there was no chance we'd ever conceive without IVF and ICSI, "if it happens" was never an option, but I'm too much of an impatient, control freak to go that route. I truly regret how I let the IF take over my life. I'm glad you are living yours.

[Anonymous]

I actually admire you.

Somewhat secretly I really wonder how we got ourselves into this mess in the first place. let me explain. 2 years of trying naturally, always tense in the ovulation time, we got so focused in just making a baby, instead of intimacy. wondering this is it, its this month. Then nothing.

Fast forward, 2 years of IUI, IVF, still nothing. Tons of money spent-stress, low times, up times, weekends early am spent in Rockville (was with SG). Then nothing. All the disappointments, alternative therapies you read about, always in the look out for what is new, what is everyone saying, acupuncture ( super expensive). This herb and that herb, this freaking mayan massage and that. still nothing....alas all the people you meet along the way of this road trip, this acupuncturist that herbalist, etc. all of them with their own stories.

you decide its time to move to another clinic, more testing, looking for answers, may be you thin you have immune issues, so you test and you test....more money..

in the meantime you look back at the past few years, you are 15 pounds heavier due to all the Goanl f this and that, Proges, Estro, etc. You have become familiar with that painful look in your husbands face every time he has to give you that injection, and you aching in pain after the trigger shots and the nasty herbal stuff.

so I guess what I am saying is, I admire you. When you start, its a never ending road, you move like a ghost from one clinic to another.. always wondering what you can do...its all fine..but be ready for the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually admire you.

Somewhat secretly I really wonder how we got ourselves into this mess in the first place. let me explain. 2 years of trying naturally, always tense in the ovulation time, we got so focused in just making a baby, instead of intimacy. wondering this is it, its this month. Then nothing.

Fast forward, 2 years of IUI, IVF, still nothing. Tons of money spent-stress, low times, up times, weekends early am spent in Rockville (was with SG). Then nothing. All the disappointments, alternative therapies you read about, always in the look out for what is new, what is everyone saying, acupuncture ( super expensive). This herb and that herb, this freaking mayan massage and that. still nothing....alas all the people you meet along the way of this road trip, this acupuncturist that herbalist, etc. all of them with their own stories.

you decide its time to move to another clinic, more testing, looking for answers, may be you thin you have immune issues, so you test and you test....more money..

in the meantime you look back at the past few years, you are 15 pounds heavier due to all the Goanl f this and that, Proges, Estro, etc. You have become familiar with that painful look in your husbands face every time he has to give you that injection, and you aching in pain after the trigger shots and the nasty herbal stuff.

so I guess what I am saying is, I admire you. When you start, its a never ending road, you move like a ghost from one clinic to another.. always wondering what you can do...its all fine..but be ready for the trip.

OMG, new poster on these boards and I just want to say your story touched me. If you're still trying, I am going to say a prayer for you (if you're not a person of faith please consider it like good vibes - for all of you on these boards, actually).

[Anonymous]

PP here - I originally opened this just to respond and then got sidetracked responding to PP.

I got married late in life - 35, so of course, it was always at the back of my mind that having children may not come easily for me / us, yet I could not see myself going through what PP above so painfully and articulately recounted, plus I've got a HUGE thing about trying to be as natural as possible (within reason) about everything in my life. Yet, I have a feeling if it wouldn't have happened, we would have taken an aggressive approach. DS1 was conceived quickly so we never had to make the call. Now I'm pushing 40 and just starting to try for number 2. I know it may not be easy or even possible and I believe I am at peace with that; it was part of the equation we considered when spacing so much time between DC1 and a hypothetical 2 (who will be four if we conceived now when DC2 would be born). However, I know a lot of people think that and then change their minds. Still, because I have one already, and given our situation, I think it would be really disruptive for us (that's not to assume it is for anyone else) in a damaging and negative way for our family. So I think I'm generally not into getting too scientific this time around.

I admire both the people who made their peace with IF and either adopted or simply moved on, as well as those who have moved heaven and earth to conceive. As I said, I'm pulling for all of you. Neither path sounds easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually admire you.

Somewhat secretly I really wonder how we got ourselves into this mess in the first place. let me explain. 2 years of trying naturally, always tense in the ovulation time, we got so focused in just making a baby, instead of intimacy. wondering this is it, its this month. Then nothing.

Fast forward, 2 years of IUI, IVF, still nothing. Tons of money spent-stress, low times, up times, weekends early am spent in Rockville (was with SG). Then nothing. All the disappointments, alternative therapies you read about, always in the look out for what is new, what is everyone saying, acupuncture ( super expensive). This herb and that herb, this freaking mayan massage and that. still nothing....alas all the people you meet along the way of this road trip, this acupuncturist that herbalist, etc. all of them with their own stories.

you decide its time to move to another clinic, more testing, looking for answers, may be you thin you have immune issues, so you test and you test....more money..

in the meantime you look back at the past few years, you are 15 pounds heavier due to all the Goanl f this and that, Proges, Estro, etc. You have become familiar with that painful look in your husbands face every time he has to give you that injection, and you aching in pain after the trigger shots and the nasty herbal stuff.

so I guess what I am saying is, I admire you. When you start, its a never ending road, you move like a ghost from one clinic to another.. always wondering what you can do...its all fine..but be ready for the trip.

this is so me...totally understand what you are saying...really cant wait for this nightmare to end and hope it does for you soon as well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I decided not to pursue fertility treatments and adoption is not for us. I feel like I'm in a very small minority. Any of you take the "if it happens, it happens" approach?

I think you are in a small minority because we live in a culture of instant gratification. I admire your ability to accept what life gives you and make the best of it.

When we were diagnosed with male IF, I fell into a deep depression and lost a close friend who was pregnant at the time. Since there was no chance we'd ever conceive without IVF and ICSI, "if it happens" was never an option, but I'm too much of an impatient, control freak to go that route. I truly regret how I let the IF take over my life. I'm glad you are living yours.

We were also told that due to severe MFI and PCOS we would need IVF/ICSI to conceive. My surprise, naturally conceived child is now sleeping in his room as I type. I realize we might be the rare exception, but one never knows...

[Anonymous]

We conceived #1 so easily, I just assumed #2 would be easy as well. I think already having our daughter helps having unexplained secondary infertility not be as all consuming. We don't have a ton of money laying around to pursue treatments, anyway, so we couldn't go down that road even if we wanted to. I also developed thyroid disease after having our child, so I'm not a big fan of extra medications - even if we do decide to go forward with treatment, it would be through IUI ONLY. I'm not even sure I WANT to be pregnant again. I would probably go right to adoption if I thought my husband would be OK with that.

I'm honestly starting to think we're one and done - we've been trying for 2 years on our own and nothing. Our kid is already 6.5. I'm 35. Do we still have time? Sure. Is my heart in it? I'm not sure. We shall see.

If adoption feels right to you, you don't HAVE to do treatments. Only you and your husband can determine what is best for you. Don't let society tell you what the right sequence of events should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We conceived #1 so easily, I just assumed #2 would be easy as well. I think already having our daughter helps having unexplained secondary infertility not be as all consuming. We don't have a ton of money laying around to pursue treatments, anyway, so we couldn't go down that road even if we wanted to. I also developed thyroid disease after having our child, so I'm not a big fan of extra medications - even if we do decide to go forward with treatment, it would be through IUI ONLY. I'm not even sure I WANT to be pregnant again. I would probably go right to adoption if I thought my husband would be OK with that.

I'm honestly starting to think we're one and done - we've been trying for 2 years on our own and nothing. Our kid is already 6.5. I'm 35. Do we still have time? Sure. Is my heart in it? I'm not sure. We shall see.

If adoption feels right to you, you don't HAVE to do treatments. Only you and your husband can determine what is best for you. Don't let society tell you what the right sequence of events should be.

Agree. Though we should also note that society often tells you to "just adopt".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We conceived #1 so easily, I just assumed #2 would be easy as well. I think already having our daughter helps having unexplained secondary infertility not be as all consuming. We don't have a ton of money laying around to pursue treatments, anyway, so we couldn't go down that road even if we wanted to. I also developed thyroid disease after having our child, so I'm not a big fan of extra medications - even if we do decide to go forward with treatment, it would be through IUI ONLY. I'm not even sure I WANT to be pregnant again. I would probably go right to adoption if I thought my husband would be OK with that.

I'm honestly starting to think we're one and done - we've been trying for 2 years on our own and nothing. Our kid is already 6.5. I'm 35. Do we still have time? Sure. Is my heart in it? I'm not sure. We shall see.

If adoption feels right to you, you don't HAVE to do treatments. Only you and your husband can determine what is best for you. Don't let society tell you what the right sequence of events should be.

Agree. Though we should also note that society often tells you to "just adopt".

I agree that society often says "just adopt" but wanted to add that as an adoptive parent, we also get snide and rude remarks from people who don't understand WHY we'd want to adopt. People who make comments about us not being our kids' "real" parents, etc. I guess if you don't build your family in a non-traditional way, whether you have fertility problems or not, people are going to judge you regardless.

[Anonymous]

I pushed for marriage b/c I wanted kids. Neither of us thought we would have problems conceiving. We had a very tense conversation, leading to many more, about whether to go to a clinic, or lead a child-free life. Once on the clinic path, and w/ other factors, we did a Plan A, B, C, D - IVF etc., donor egg, adoption, foster -- we became totally commited to building a family. We gave ourselves a time line and somewhat of a monetary limit. It was a rough few months to make that decision - for both of us it was like deciding to get married - and didn't look back. I love the advice on this board: mine is to really decide what you want and then pursue. Together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We conceived #1 so easily, I just assumed #2 would be easy as well. I think already having our daughter helps having unexplained secondary infertility not be as all consuming. We don't have a ton of money laying around to pursue treatments, anyway, so we couldn't go down that road even if we wanted to. I also developed thyroid disease after having our child, so I'm not a big fan of extra medications - even if we do decide to go forward with treatment, it would be through IUI ONLY. I'm not even sure I WANT to be pregnant again. I would probably go right to adoption if I thought my husband would be OK with that.

I'm honestly starting to think we're one and done - we've been trying for 2 years on our own and nothing. Our kid is already 6.5. I'm 35. Do we still have time? Sure. Is my heart in it? I'm not sure. We shall see.

If adoption feels right to you, you don't HAVE to do treatments. Only you and your husband can determine what is best for you. Don't let society tell you what the right sequence of events should be.

Agree. Though we should also note that society often tells you to "just adopt".

I agree that society often says "just adopt" but wanted to add that as an adoptive parent, we also get snide and rude remarks from people who don't understand WHY we'd want to adopt. People who make comments about us not being our kids' "real" parents, etc. I guess if you don't build your family in a non-traditional way, whether you have fertility problems or not, people are going to judge you regardless.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We conceived #1 so easily, I just assumed #2 would be easy as well. I think already having our daughter helps having unexplained secondary infertility not be as all consuming. We don't have a ton of money laying around to pursue treatments, anyway, so we couldn't go down that road even if we wanted to. I also developed thyroid disease after having our child, so I'm not a big fan of extra medications - even if we do decide to go forward with treatment, it would be through IUI ONLY. I'm not even sure I WANT to be pregnant again. I would probably go right to adoption if I thought my husband would be OK with that.

I'm honestly starting to think we're one and done - we've been trying for 2 years on our own and nothing. Our kid is already 6.5. I'm 35. Do we still have time? Sure. Is my heart in it? I'm not sure. We shall see.

If adoption feels right to you, you don't HAVE to do treatments. Only you and your husband can determine what is best for you. Don't let society tell you what the right sequence of events should be.

Agree. Though we should also note that society often tells you to "just adopt".

I agree that society often says "just adopt" but wanted to add that as an adoptive parent, we also get snide and rude remarks from people who don't understand WHY we'd want to adopt. People who make comments about us not being our kids' "real" parents, etc. I guess if you don't build your family in a non-traditional way, whether you have fertility problems or not, people are going to judge you regardless.

OP here. Sorry it's been awhile since I first posted. We've been out of town for August. Our infertility is unexplained and I am relatively young, although the more time that passes the less fertile I'll be. We're both on the same page about not doing treatments (with the potential to reopen the discussion later) and about not adopting. I hope with all my heart that we, and all of the PPs who posted and are currently trying to conceive or adopt, do end up with a healthy baby. On the other hand, I hope I am strong enough to withstand the questioning from others if we end up without a baby. They may think that we didn't really "try".

[Anonymous]

Severe MF and "old eggs" here.. we did do the initial workup(s) and meeting with the RE- but decided that we did not want to go down the IVF/ICIS road. Adoption also was not for us. We found "the questions" pretty much stopped after a couple of years. I am now 40 and my DH 47 and people no longer ask us about children. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Severe MF and "old eggs" here.. we did do the initial workup(s) and meeting with the RE- but decided that we did not want to go down the IVF/ICIS road. Adoption also was not for us. We found "the questions" pretty much stopped after a couple of years. I am now 40 and my DH 47 and people no longer ask us about children. Good luck to you.

Thanks for sharing your story PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually admire you.

Somewhat secretly I really wonder how we got ourselves into this mess in the first place. let me explain. 2 years of trying naturally, always tense in the ovulation time, we got so focused in just making a baby, instead of intimacy. wondering this is it, its this month. Then nothing.

Fast forward, 2 years of IUI, IVF, still nothing. Tons of money spent-stress, low times, up times, weekends early am spent in Rockville (was with SG). Then nothing. All the disappointments, alternative therapies you read about, always in the look out for what is new, what is everyone saying, acupuncture ( super expensive). This herb and that herb, this freaking mayan massage and that. still nothing....alas all the people you meet along the way of this road trip, this acupuncturist that herbalist, etc. all of them with their own stories.

you decide its time to move to another clinic, more testing, looking for answers, may be you thin you have immune issues, so you test and you test....more money..

in the meantime you look back at the past few years, you are 15 pounds heavier due to all the Goanl f this and that, Proges, Estro, etc. You have become familiar with that painful look in your husbands face every time he has to give you that injection, and you aching in pain after the trigger shots and the nasty herbal stuff.

so I guess what I am saying is, I admire you. When you start, its a never ending road, you move like a ghost from one clinic to another.. always wondering what you can do...its all fine..but be ready for the trip.

this is so me...totally understand what you are saying...really cant wait for this nightmare to end and hope it does for you soon as well!

This was me, too! It amazes me that I never would have imagined this at the beginning. I was so sure the first IVF cycle would work - there was nothing technically "wrong" with me except that I was not getting pregnant after 1.5 years... then the 3nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th cycles did not work.. nor the acupuncture, special diet, etc. I did finally get my miracle (Thank God)but not til after moving to DE. FINALLY get to try and put that all behind me... but it does not feel like it will go away emotionally any time soon.