Desperate plea for help with my 4 year old DD

[Anonymous]

Dr. Rene Hackney

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She is completely uncooperative with: getting dressed, going to the potty when it wasn't her idea (ie: if its bedtime or we're leaving the house), getting undressed, getting in carseat, getting on sunscreen, picking up toys, coming to the meal table.

Getting Dressed - Give her 2 choices. She can decide between the two, or you can make the choice for her.

Going Potty - Give her 2 choices - Either she goes potty or she gets a diaper.

Picking up Toys - Either she picks them up, or you do and they go away.

Table to Eat - Either she comes to the table to eat or she doesn't eat. She won't go hungry, she'll most likely miss a meal (or two if she's really stubborn).

I totally agree with this. Where you said you always redirected- HOW does that teach a child to make CONSCIOUS good decisions? It teaches them that if they get out of line, mom will kindly come over and steer them toward something else upon which to wreak havoc. It sounds like she needs total boot camp- and I'd begin just as this PP said- 2 choices. This works from age 18 mos on. Do you want carrots or apple or none? Do you want the pink shirt or the white shirt or I pick? One story or no stories? They get the message that YOU are in charge and that they have LIMITED control, which is what you want.


You are the parent, you've given her FAR too much control. She's 4. Yes she should be given the privilege of making some decisions, but ultimately you are the parent - you have final say.

[Anonymous]

My 4 year old is a lot like yours except she was never an angel, she has been like this for most of her life. Keep at the consistency and give her plenty of love.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I agree with others that you should post specific questions in Special Needs. I think people in GP mean well, but I can tell from your tone that you are desperate and have probably been thinking about this for a long time. In my experience, most parents just cannot relate to how heart-breakingly difficult ithis stuff can be.

My son is older and has some of same issues. I have tried OT and all the alternative approaches and they have not helped much. He has recently received diagnoses of generalized anxiety and ADHD. Please know that I am not trying to diagnose your child, just urging you to search for explanations and talk to the real experts (psychologists, developmental peds, etc) to try to understand your child. For me, this is the greatest benefit of the family/play therapy: having an expert help me understand what my child is going through and what can help him. A good therapist can change your life.

For what it is worth, I never in a million years would have thought my son would receive these diagnoses, especially the ADHD, but I'll tell you some of the things that remind me of your daughter. (And again, not trying to give her a specific label, just saying that I truly feel for her because it sounds to me like she is really struggling to cope with life--and this is so hard for a parent to watch!) My son was an angel infant, charmingly precocious as a toddler, sweet-natured, social, and well-regulated. We certainly saw signs of stubbornness and intensity around 2-3 but nothing that was developmentally inappropriate. Around 3.5-4, as he started to become more aware of the world, we saw a huge increase in anxiety, manifesting itself in refusal to participate in activities, difficulty with transitions, some social avoidance, and general irritability. I won't go into too many more details about my kid but just to add one: I think the ADHD makes it very hard to process social situations, or a game, or a classroom, all at once and in real time and so life feels very overwhelming for him. This feeds into the anxiety and produces a lot of unhappiness. A lot of times kids who have a strong need to control are showing that they in fact feel very out of control. Before my son had experienced these things, and before he was developmentally aware, none of it bothered him and we got more of the "real" happy kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dr. Rene Hackney

OP here. I actually have an email into her right now. I'm trying to decide the best place to start. Most of her stuff coming up in the next month or two is already sold out.

[Anonymous]

Anxiety and depression can manifest primarily as irritability in young children. It's not pleasant to consider but it is worth ruling out. Is there any family history of depression/anxiety? (and it doesn't mean you are a bad parent if she did have an issue along those lines!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:also - have you looked at her diet? I have a friend who removed food dyes from diet and it made a HUGE difference in behavior. (I do not know why -but Red is the big one which is in Jelly, some cereals, jello etc.)

Second this. I don't know why, but I read your post, and I immediately thought "diet."

Other than that, I just want to say hang in there, OP. It sounds like you are truly doing your best with a very difficult situation. This must be so freaking difficult. :hugs:

Other than red dye, what should I avoid?

Feingold Diet. Artificial colors, artificial flavors, preservatives, etc. If you follow the Feingold Diet (which has NOTHING to do with losing weight) for her, it may help her behaviors and ability to have more patience.

[Anonymous]

You might be tired of reading books, but I found this to be an interesting one (at least regarding sibling dynamics):

Beyond Sibling Rivalry
http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Sibling-Rivalry-Cooperative-Compassionate/dp/0805056890

Do you think there is something else going on that could be bugging her?

Also echo some of the other suggestions - eliminating (or trying to limit) some of the food dyes and looking into a family therapist.

[Anonymous]

The fact that she functions perfectly well outside of home - where she cannot do what she pleases - should be your most important clue. There is nothing wrong with her, you are just giving her too much control. You think you don't because you follow book, but the examples of what you allow her to do (e.g. slap door) speak for themselves. Also, bad behaviors need to be punished, not ignored.

[Anonymous]

My question is, even though there seems to be a lot of conflict over her behavior, do you have fun times when you are playing together and not trying to get her to do something? My son and I have a lot of conflict when I'm trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do, but we also have tons of fun playing together. As a result, when he's acting out, it is a really big deterrent for me to say "I don't like hanging out with you when you act like this" and just walk away if he is tantruming and yelling. There's a big incentive for him do do what I'm asking and calm down so that we can start playing and having fun again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr. Rene Hackney

OP here. I actually have an email into her right now. I'm trying to decide the best place to start. Most of her stuff coming up in the next month or two is already sold out.

I previously posted recommending Parenting Playgroups. I hope she can work you in - or scheudle some one on one time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that she functions perfectly well outside of home - where she cannot do what she pleases - should be your most important clue. There is nothing wrong with her, you are just giving her too much control. You think you don't because you follow book, but the examples of what you allow her to do (e.g. slap door) speak for themselves. Also, bad behaviors need to be punished, not ignored.

Exactly. She know's she can manipulate you. I'm sure you give her choices to begin with, but I'm sure she pushes your buttons and you give in. All you've taught her is if she pushes hard enough, she gets what she wants. She is in control - not you, but when she's outside your care she does what she's told. She hasn't manipulated that adult. You need to lay some new ground rules, and for pete's sake follow through. Surely there are toys/items you can take away, trips for her that can be cancelled, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, Dr Hackney also does one on one consultations. We have done that a couple of times on specific topics.

[Anonymous]

You are doing the same thing that brought you here. Read books, listen to experts, explore options, endlessly discuss what could be wrong... If you want different results, you need to do exactly opposite of what you have been doing so far. Stop looking for excuses for her behavior and change your attitude. There are apparently plenty of adults that your daughter listens to, so, if you want advice, watch what they are doing.

[Anonymous]

Frankly, I have a 2.5 year old and everything you describe sounds par for the course (I have a difficult child from day 1). That being said, I don't fight over small things.

Relax, I think you should not fight with her at all. If she doesn't want to use the potty, then fine let her either wet herself or stop somewhere on the way (only after she gets uncomfortable).

Don't choose her clothes, but give her a timer and if she's not dressed in (5min) then you get to choose her clothes or have her set out clothes the night before.

When she slams her door, leave her be. She doesn't HAVE to play with her sister. But continue to try to re-engage her in play.

Use timeouts only for large offenses, not small offenses. Give LOTS of love. LOTS. I can tell she doesn't feel loved and that you don't love her, thus she continues to act out.