Bad Bad Bad Bad Mommy Moment
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Anonymous
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I absolutely don't spank my son, but he has learned that if he hits me, he will get a time out. If he refuses to sit in time out, which he usually doesn't, he will lose something he enjoys (the opportunity to watch a TV program, go to the park, have favorite toys taken away). If I can tell that he is thinking about hitting me and he doesn't do it, I give him a lot of praise. He's 2 and a half and hasn't hit me in months.
My husband does not draw as firm a line with this behavior as I do, and will sometimes let a hit or two go by without giving a time out or consequence. As a result, my son will still hit my husband sometimes, but never me. |
Anonymous
| Spanking. Then sit in the corner on that sore butt. Works fine, no need for repetitions..... |
Anonymous
| Update: there's been no hitting this morning. I'm crossing my fingers little man got the message yesterday. |
Anonymous
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OP, I was there with you. My was a bitter for a few months when he was about 2, and sporatically has been a hitter (just to me and his dad, not others) when he gets over-the-top frustrated. Now that he is almost 6 it doesn't happen any more, but its been a challenge. He is also a kid for whom time outs don't work - he won't sit without being restrained, and if you try to restrain him he will fight with every ounce of his strength for hours. If you put him in his room alone and hold the door shut from the outside to keep him in he will go bezerk and hurt himself in his terror and anger. So. The tried and true methods that work with most kids don't work with all of our kids.
Time does work, OP. If you have an otherwise well behaved, loving kid who occasionally loses it, keep doing what you are doing (without the smacking back part next time) and have an extra glass of wine at the end of the day. One crappy habit a kid has does not mean he will grow up to be an ax murderer, or that you are doing something wrong. It means your kid has a bad, unacceptable habit. Like eating his boogers, or teasing his little sister, or running away when you say to come: bad habits, but not something that means you are a bad mother. |
Anonymous
You just keep telling yourself that... Those mental gymnastics must be exhausting for you, huh? |
Anonymous
Whatever, lady. I was sanctimonious like you with my 'perfect' firstborn. A whole different whirlwind arrived 2.5 years later. Same parents, same discipline...some crazy stubborness. They are both boys too, btw. The second one is a whole lot more work. This is actually normal behavior for an almost 3 year old boy. My calm son was actually the exception according to Peds. |
Anonymous
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Hi OP, if you have honestly tried all the things mentioned here-holding your child down/closing him in his room for time outs, taking away toys/privileges, using positive reinforcement, etc, then it seems like a well-timed spanking may be called for. I'm not talking about what you did, hitting back immediately in anger (although Lord knows I completely understand it!), but giving fair warning as a consequence, just like any other consequence. The very next time he hits, I'd repeat what you've been saying: "hitting hurts, we don't hit, and the next time you hit me, you're getting a spanking". Then when he does it, get a firm grip on your emotions (I don't know who can spank their kids "calmly", but obviously if you are visibly angry or upset, don't spank), take him to his room, spank him, leave him there for time out, even if you have to hold the door closed, and have a good cry on the other side of the door.
This may not be something you can see yourself doing. I wouldn't think I could do it either, but then, I've never had issues with my kids like you are having. But if you have honestly given everything else a go that's been listed, and the change has been zero, what do you have to lose? I hardly think 1 isolated incident of spanking is going to ruin him for life. And before everyone jumps on me for being a horrible horrible person, my friend tried this with her biter at almost 3, when she was at her wits' end. She called me after in tears, even though we had discussed it beforehand, but guess what? He got the message. Spanking (or hitting, for those who will surely want me to call a spade a spade) should never be used for trivial things, or in the heat of the moment, but for something serious like this (hanging on your back whaling on you? Come on!), I think it has a place. Good luck with whatever you do, and perhaps your hit yesterday did get the message across. |
Anonymous
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What worked with my son (around that age) is when he hit me, taking his hand in yours (gently but firmly) and saying "it is not OK to hit. It is not OK for you to hit me or me to hit you." I was told to try this at some parenting class. I admit I did not think it would work, but it worked like a charm.
And do not beat yourself up. You lost it. You are human. You have three kids. I have one kid and I have had some not so good mommy moments. I typically do apologize so my son knows I am not condoning my behavior. But I think it OK for kids to see that even parents have breaking points. |
Anonymous
| not clear on why people don't understand that spanking does not take place in a rage or as violence. I would never ever hit my kids when I was angry (or slap a kid like the OP). But sure, if they are bad, I spank them on their bottom about as calmly (or more calmly really) then I am right now reading the newspaper. Why do you think it is like a barfight or like spousal abuse? Bizarre. I tell them I love them 100% unconditionally, and that I only do this because I love them and don't want them to get hurt. |
Anonymous
That is bone chillingly awful behavior on your part. You have many bad bad bad bad mommy moments if this is how you parent. I have never said this to anyone on this board, but honestly, you suck as a parent. |
Anonymous
+1 You sound like a psycho. |
Anonymous
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How do you stop feeling like shit? I don't know, OP, I would keep that feeling for a while. Hitting your kids is totally unacceptable, as you well know. I know we all have our moments where we want to slap the living shit out of your kid, but DO NOT act on it again. All this to say -- I don't think you're a crappy mom, you are a mom who had A MOMENT, but I think holding on to the shitty feeling will go a long way in ensuring it doesn't happen again.
My mom spanked, slapped and hit when she was really out of control. My memories of childhood have faded as I've become an adult, but believe me, I remember every single incident past a certain age (4?) They still sting. How do you make it up to him? Resolve never to do it again and keep your promise. hang in there. |
Anonymous
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I sat on my kids - restricts their freedom to move, gives them the message that I actually AM in charge, but does not model hitting. Obviously did it carefully and gently. I also used a very loud, sharp, angry tone... very sparingly. I've also thrown a cup of water at my kid - changes the subject, and fast. Same message: I am in charge, you aren't.
Some kids are difficult - in the long run this will probably be "strength of character." Just hard to live with at the moment. They won't remember a single indiscretion - but you do need more tools in your toolbox for next time. |
Anonymous
Agree. I grew up in a home where there was real violence, against my mother and my siblings and me, and your comments turn my stomach. It sends a mixed message that it's okay to hit if you're the one in power, and that it's acceptable for someone to hit you if they say they love you afterwards. Yuck. |
Anonymous
clearly your violent upbringing is clouding your thinking and perspective, and I understand that. We are not violent at all, and there is no rage or psychoness. But if my kid runs into the street, then I 100% do spank them calmly and tell them I am doing that only because I love them and don't want them to get hurt. My father did the same to me, and he doesn't have a violent bone in his body and never even raised his voice to me in 40 years. I knew he loved me and hated spanking me. |