Does anyone feel a responsibility to dispell the myth that you can wait until almost 40 to have kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She points though to me (I had my first at 30, second at 32 and third right after turning 35) and my mother (had her first at 32, second at 34 and my sister at 37) and thinks it will all work out fine.

But her example at best shows that she might not have problems having her first at 37. But how about having her second or third at 42? No evidence that your mom or you (let alone her) could do that.

I am in a somewhat similar situation - having waited too long had no problem conceiving at 37. But then I realized that I really have very little time to have the 3 children I planned all along. So now I am TTC #2 mere 7 months after giving birth. Not exactly what I planned, but I have no time to waste.

[Anonymous]

What a great thread - very insightful.

When I first starting thinking about TTC, I told a friend (that recently got pregnant after IF treatment) that I might want to get started around 37. That way I could go to Europe baby free, we could get a bigger house and on and on. She looked me staight in the eyes and said, "Start now. You don't know how long it's going to take." I coupled this gem of wisdom with the fact that my sister waited for the right mate and wanted to be married before TTC and was ultimately 44 when she began treatments. Unfortunately, it didn't work out for her. Four years, a depleted retirmenet account and tens of thousands of dollars later, she stopped. To this day, she still thinks that her age wasn't a factor. To her, it was the fact that she ran out of money.

I am 35 going on 36 now and wish I could shout it from the rooftops, "Don't wait!" I have 2 friends that toy with starting a family, but the circumstances in their lives aren't "perfect." It breaks my heart think that they are waiting for some magical opportune time to have children that doesn't exist. I try, gently to urge them to start now and the other imperfections will work them selves out, but they are pushing it. It took me and DH many, many months to concieve and we went thru so much stress and disappointment; I'd hate to see others go thru it. Yet I know we could've been on the IF road for years, not months. I know how lucky I am to be 24 weeks pregnant now.

[Anonymous]

this board has a disproportional amount of senior mothers because most posters are higher income and can afford a lot of fertility treatments. This is a bad source of information to the truth of conceiving age.

[Anonymous]

we need to educate women that the latest they need to be planning to marry and have a family by age 32. There is a lot of bad information out there because of rich people like celebrities getting pregnant late in life which is not the norm because they basically buy a pregnancy with a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

Pp how do you get married by 32 if you haven't met your mate? How does that advice help women who don't have a partner? More pressure on women who are probably already aware of their singleness. I posted earlier. I didn't meet my husband until 34 just before age 35. Before that I dated a man who I wanted to marry and who said he wanted that too, for 4 years. I would like more people to be open and discuss if but blaming unlucky single women isn't the solution!

[Anonymous]

I completely agree PP. Same situation for me ..... dated a guy for 3 years in late 20's who I thought I'd marry (Thank God I didn't in retrospect!) before meeting my DH at 32. We married at 33 and are now TTC our first (I'm 33). I was very aware of fertility and wanting a family, but obviously needed/wanted to meet the right person first. There may be some women who are married and just waiting, but there are MANY, especially in places like DC and NYC, who are in their 30's and have yet to meet the right one. It's a difficult place to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been thinking about this topic lately as I am TTC at 34 and it's taking longer than I imagined. I didn't "wait", but didn't find my partner until 32.

My very best friend in the world is 35 and has desperately wanted to settle down since she was in her late 20's. She has an incredibly accomplished career, but really the one thing she wants is a marriage and children - and it's been so frustrating and hard for her. She'd give her career up in a heartbeat for this, but she's just not meeting anyone.

My question is this: She's 35 now. I don't want to freak her out, and I don't want to hurt her feelings - but I've thought about bringing up the option of freezing her eggs. I know how important a family is to her, and I know she'd never think of this on her own as she's so focused on meeting someone when she's not working.

Maybe I'll wait a year and see what happens.

If you are going bring the issue at all, do it sooner rather than later. In all likelihood, more than a year will pass before the the topic is brought up and the first biologically relevant action is taken. Also, the older your friend gets, the more (rather than less) comfortable you might get talking about the topic at all.

I also have have a very good friend who will soon be 44. A few years ago, I started pressing upon her to have children (not realizing myself it was maybe too late for her). She was reluctant at first, only to gradually become obsessed with it. I am now avoiding the topic altogether since I think her chances are slim and that she might resent me.

That's a very good point about there being time between deciding to do something and actually taking action. I always said that if Mr. Right didn't come by age 40, then I would look into adoption. (See, I was one of those people who needed some straight talk when I was a younger woman!). Well 40 came, and Mr. Right didn't, but I was just then coming out of a long funk because of a horrible family illness, and I was going out and having fun again, and blah, blah, blah, and suddenly I was 43, and I hadn't even filled out the application yet, much less started the home study, interviewed agencies, etc. I finally got on it, and hit the adoption jackpot at 44, but I was very, very lucky. The process - bio or adoption- takes a long time. Start early!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this board has a disproportional amount of senior mothers because most posters are higher income and can afford a lot of fertility treatments. This is a bad source of information to the truth of conceiving age.

Wow, "senior mother" - I never head that phase before. Why not just say "old and decript mother"?

[Anonymous]

*phrase*

[Anonymous]

i'm 32, TTC for 1 year, and RE work up shows nothing wrong with DH or myself....I never imagined I'd be in this siutation. I will give myself til this summer b/f aggressively pursuing IVF. I too have a professional degree/education. But I know if I don't have my 'family' no money in the world will make it okay for me. Fertility is a scary issue...Even a year ago we accidentally had a ripped condom and I took the 'morning after' pill that night. It makes me so sad now, considering a whole year later, nothing is happening and how lightly I took fertility!

[Anonymous]

we need to educate women that the latest they need to be planning to marry and have a family by age 32.

This is ridiculous. What was I supposed to do, kidnap some guy and force him to marry me? NO ONE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM WHEN I WAS 32. There was no one I wanted to ask to marry me when I was 32. And at that age, single motherhood was not something that I wanted to pursue -- nor should I have.

I think that it's all well and good to *gently* tell your friends that time is a-wasting IF they seem to think that the path will be easy at 35+. But there are many, many reasons why people may seem to be "waiting," and the pressure is not welcome.

[Anonymous]

PP, don't over react! She was trying to say that many women around here wait intentionally for the 'right' time' to have children, though they are married and able to have children immediately...and she's probably right.

[Anonymous]

That's a generous interpretation that doesn't match the actual words that were written ("planning to marry and have a family by age 32" is not the same at all as "though they are married and able to have children immediately") .... but okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this board has a disproportional amount of senior mothers because most posters are higher income and can afford a lot of fertility treatments. This is a bad source of information to the truth of conceiving age.

http://www.ehow.com/about_5032741_geriatric-pregnancy.html
A geriatric pregnancy is defined as one where the mother is 35 years old or older. Fertility decreases with age, meaning that a woman will be less easily able to become pregnant as the years go by. Additionally, fertility treatments to help the process along become less effective once a woman reaches around 35 years old. A healthy 30-year-old woman, for example, has about a 20 percent chance of getting pregnant each month. By the time she is 40, that percentage plummets to 5 percent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp how do you get married by 32 if you haven't met your mate? How does that advice help women who don't have a partner? More pressure on women who are probably already aware of their singleness. I posted earlier. I didn't meet my husband until 34 just before age 35. Before that I dated a man who I wanted to marry and who said he wanted that too, for 4 years. I would like more people to be open and discuss if but blaming unlucky single women isn't the solution!

We need to get it in the heads of women that you there is a time frame for having children, don't put it off past 32. It's science. Women think that they can magically have children without issues if they marry late in life because of the perception that a lot of older women having kids when in fact it is not true.