Does anyone feel a responsibility to dispell the myth that you can wait until almost 40 to have kids

[Anonymous]

The thread about telling people about infertility made me think about this question. My field is academic research. I didn't get a faculty position until I was 37 which is actually on the faster side of the mean in my field. Once I got my position I started building my family. I always dreamed about having two children. I was lucky and had the first right away but 2 years later when I tried for the second I could no longer make an egg with the right number of chromosomes. Now 3 years later I am in the middle of yet another miscarriage.

Having a child during the training period would seriously make it harder to be competitive for a faculty position. But waiting until you have a position to start having children is not really a smart thing either since at this time most women are 35-40 years old. My field is full of women that either had children late or not at all. And it is taken for granted that one should wait and that there is no problem with waiting.

Sometimes when people ask at work whether I will have another child I tell them that I am too old. Their response is always "people have children into their 40s all the time, look at so and so" They don't realize that so and so was lucky. That over half of women in their early 40s are infertile.

I mentor young female scientists every day. I am conflicted about whether I should also mention to them about the consequences of waiting. From the outside it seems that I've made the right decision to wait to start my family but that is not the real story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Their response is always "people have children into their 40s all the time, look at so and so" They don't realize that so and so was lucky.

Or that so-and-so possibly used donor eggs.

I'm in a similar situation, and I'm proceeding with donor egg. I think your points are excellent, but I'm not sure how I feel about warning younger women. I think a lot of educated women are aware of the risks. As far as the others you mention - the educated women who think age-related infertility won't happen to them - it's possible they wouldn't listen anyway. It's like smoking and lung cancer or unhealthy diets and certain cancers - everyone has heard the message, but many people choose not to change their behavior.

[Anonymous]

I would warn them about the consequence! having gone through infirtility, I now regret my decison to wait and I wish someone had warned me. I was 33 which is not too late when I wanted to get pregnant with my first and it took us 2 years and an IUI to get pregnant. Now at 38, trying for the second we have had multiple failed IVFs. Yes, career and achivements are important, but to me having a family I always dreamed of is more valuable.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do. I don't think that younger women, i.e, those under 30, hear this message enough. Those over 30 do, but by then there is often a long way to go if they haven't yet settled down.

[Anonymous]

Well, my wife and I started our family when she was 39 and 41 without any medical intervention, so we're not exactly poster children for your point, OP.

Yes, we realize we are lucky.

But it does happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, my wife and I started our family when she was 39 and 41 without any medical intervention, so we're not exactly poster children for your point, OP.

Yes, we realize we are lucky.

But it does happen.

Yes, I warn young women at my law firm. People like the PP love to share their story because it is a happy one. Unfortunately, that's almost all most young women hear and it's not particularly helpful.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do. When asked I share my story with younger female friend or coworkers (obviously not in the office). I wish someone had given me that lecture. I don't know if it would have made a difference but it might have.

Can I also say that I am so SICK AND TIRED of people claiming that if women would "just relax' they'd get pregnant. That is total horse poo and factually incorrect. I have cousin whose husband went on an on (at a family dinner no less) about his belief that fertility treatment is not needed in most cases and that all we needed was a weekend way with lots of alcohol. I waned to punch him. Flash forward to two years later and "relaxing" is not producing #2 the way he claimed. I'm sad for her and wish them all the baby dust in the world but there is a little part of me that wants to go up to him and yell "see I told you that you were wrong!".

[Anonymous]

I totally understand the feeling of wanting to dispell the myth for women who seem not to understand that it's not easy to have a baby when you're 40. But from my perspective, had a friend told me something like that when I was younger, I would have been fairly miserable. I wasn't married, there was no marriageble guy on the horizon, and I WANTED to be married before raising a family.

Then I got old enough and I realized that if I wanted to have a kid i would have to do it on my own, because I was facing a biological deadline. But it took a LOT of thinking to get to that point.

Not all women who appear to be "waiting" are unaware of how biology works. For some of us, the circumstances just aren't right -- we aren't established in our jobs, maybe we're not partnered, or our marriages may be more shaky than they appear to an outsider. For these and a variety of other reasons, I would refrain from being the "voice of doom" for younger women unless they brought up the topic for some reason. And even then, I would be gentle about it. Sometimes people just have to come to these realizations on their own.

[Anonymous]

A co-worker of mine is single and not in a relationship but says she wants to have kids of her own. She just turned 39 and I was frank with her and told her if she really wants her own biological child she should not wait, even if she is not in a relationship.

I think if you can broach the subject lightly, saying something like well if I could change one thing about my career it would be... I think the ladies who respect and value your opinion will take what you have to say to heart. I wish as a young scientist I'd had more women willing to share their life experiences/lessons. But then again there are so few women in some science fields that can be problematic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, my wife and I started our family when she was 39 and 41 without any medical intervention, so we're not exactly poster children for your point, OP.

Yes, we realize we are lucky.

But it does happen.

Yes, it does happen, though I consider my lucky. I had my DC at age 43, without medical intervention, although, I had 3 miscarriages before having DC. I knew the statistics before we TTC. I know several women who had children in their 40's by donor eggs, they were either tired of the miscarriages or weren't getting pregnant at all. On the other hand, I know several women who have had children well into their 40's with their own eggs. It's a crap shoot as far as I'm concerned!!!

[Anonymous]

I think if the opportunity arises you should share. I wish in some ways I had been warned. Even my obgyn drawing me a chart wasn't enough to really get it through my head. I needed concrete stories. I was baised by my mom being 36 when she had me and my gm being 42 when she had my dad and my MIL 42 when she had my husband. I didnt meet the right one until age 34, married at age 37. If my head hadn't been in my arse I would have started trying harder at age 35 since we knew from the start we were going to get married and have a family. I was blind sided when my AMH was .16 at age 38. I wish I had atleast had the testing done earlier- mayb ethat is my obgyn's fault. He told me and drew me a chart but didnt run any tests.

[Anonymous]

So actually, I'd love to learn more about the period between 35 and 40. I had my first at 34, and if we have a second we don't plan to start ttc until the end of this year, at which point I'll be 37.

Frankly, I have no good sense of what kind of effect on my fertility is likely if we waited six months, or a year, or two, at this point.

[Anonymous]

PP, start now! It may take until the end of this year to get pregnant, and if it works before then, even better. I am sure you have very solid reasons for waiting until the end of the year, but if you have trouble conceiving, which I sincerely hope you do not, those reasons may begin to seem very insignificant.

[Anonymous]

I tell people when it is appropriate because I think many are not aware of the big difference between getting pregnant at 38 and getting pregnant for the first time at 38. They see women they know having kids at 37, 38, 40, 41, and they don't necessarily think about the percentage of those women who have already had children. The stats are quite different.

[Anonymous]

I was at the gym and saw an article in COSMO of all places about..."what you need to know about your decade of having babies..." or something like that. I opened it up, not expecting much. And actually, it was pretty good advice, along the lines of, "Think about having kids between the ages of 25 and 35. Any earlier than that and you're not grown up enough. Wait until after 35, and you may have problems... and even though many women do become pregnant, easily, between 35 and 39, many do not. So don't take your chances."

But here's the problem... If I had read that when I was younger, I may have discounted it and thought... I am perfectly, robustly healthy. Of course I can have kids well into my 40's! I am a stud! Those stats don't apply to a healthy, organic-eating, yoga-practicing chick like me who recycles!!

Alas, they do. That's the challenge... getting women to believe that the stats can apply to them, and getting their partners educated about this issue, too. That you may be lucky and get pregnant in two months when you are 43, but that there's no predicting if that will be what happens to you.