Does anyone feel a responsibility to dispell the myth that you can wait until almost 40 to have kids

[Anonymous]

Personal stories can be much more persuasive than statistics, and as a female scientist, I always drink up any work/life balancing advice others with more experience in the field have to offer. Please share.

I started TTC at 28, only months after getting married, because although I was still "young" to be having kids within my circle of friends, I had enough older friends and relatives to realize that fertility is not guaranteed. Luckily we didn't have any problems, but I'm still glad we didn't roll the dice.

[Anonymous]

I try to control my urge to tell this to younger women (co-workers) because I don't think they would change their minds and are likely to consider me a loser. Since I don't want pity, I need to succeed in having all children I want by age, say, 43, to get more comfortable proselytizing.

But I do feel a strong urge to share this with people close to me - my niece and, especially, DD. Unlike some others here, I am not sure that young women are aware of just how rapidly fertility declines. All l I knew in my early thirties was that Down syndrome was more likely as women ages. I relied, instead and without much reflection, on my mother and grandmother giving births late in their lives and I assumed I could have children at 45. I didn't have any problems conceiving first time around, but now that I am about to begin TTC #2 I certainly don't take anything for granted.

[Anonymous]

I think there is value in, 'what I wish I had known,' lessons, if they are delivered in the right time and place. I do share our story and the information we've learned with some friends, knowing that I am probably and unfortunately not the only or last IF friend they will speak to. I figure if I pass along what we have learned, even to people that aren't dealing with IF, the information may be passed along to others. The "shame quotient" is a big problem here... IF is such a blow to your self image, etc., that noone wants to discuss it openly, most of the time, at least. I know Resolve and other organizations have or are trying awareness campaigns. One campaign, not sure if it was Resolve or another organization, featured an hour glass, expressing the idea of "running out of time." It was criticized as inducing panic, and for focusing only on women. The dudes need to know about the time/age issue, too. I agree with others that many women KNOW they don't have forever to have kids, but don't have the right man/partner in their life, or the right financials, to responsibly have a kid. SIGH. Life can be on a different timeline than our ovaries. It's an interesting question though... could the collective knowledge of this group be harnessed somehow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was at the gym and saw an article in COSMO of all places about..."what you need to know about your decade of having babies..." or something like that. I opened it up, not expecting much. And actually, it was pretty good advice, along the lines of, "Think about having kids between the ages of 25 and 35. Any earlier than that and you're not grown up enough. Wait until after 35, and you may have problems... and even though many women do become pregnant, easily, between 35 and 39, many do not. So don't take your chances."

But here's the problem... If I had read that when I was younger, I may have discounted it and thought... I am perfectly, robustly healthy. Of course I can have kids well into my 40's! I am a stud! Those stats don't apply to a healthy, organic-eating, yoga-practicing chick like me who recycles!!

Alas, they do. That's the challenge... getting women to believe that the stats can apply to them, and getting their partners educated about this issue, too. That you may be lucky and get pregnant in two months when you are 43, but that there's no predicting if that will be what happens to you.

This was me, I assumed I'd beat the odds because I'm healthy and also just because I assumed it's the one thing that would come easily.

Not so, I'm going into my second IVF.

I am a single mom, I would tell young women based on my experience, if you know that you would do it without a mate, start at 35. If you know you would NOT do it without a mate, then it will have to wait for the mate, but be aware of the time and feel free to change your mind/start trying as soon as possible after you meet him, etc.

Infertility has been more heartbreaking than anything I've ever experienced, and kicking myself for waiting (though it was for lack of a mate) has made it all the more painful.

[Anonymous]

I am so grateful for your post, OP. I disagree with those that think women are aware of the risks of waiting. if that were true, why I am surrounded by women who have a partner for YEARS before trying to start a family and think that any time before 40 will be no problem and after is still possible. What frustrates me is that only that they think it is possible bc they will be fertile and have viable eggs, but that they also discount miscarriages. Let's be honest, ladies. Out of five friends, how many had two children with no challenges? I am the one in five who got lucky in my circle: healthy children born when I was 34 and 36. But we were married for three years and started trying when I was 33 on the basis that we had to factor in challenges conceiving, miscarriages and the fact we wanted to conceive our first before I was 35 in part due to risks that increase related to the health of the baby. Forget the challenges of concieving, why would you wait given the higher risks associated with having a child both to the mother and the baby?

Thank you, OP. This is a rant I partake in regularly, and I appreciate the opportunity to vent. The truth is that conception is a club and a secret one at that. Women do not share the high rates of miscarriage or friends who can't conceive. I think women are not honest with themselves about how much they want a family. if one really wanted one, and they had a life partner before 35, why would you wait? If you have a career such as OP, I appreciate the challenges, but the window to have kids is small while the window to have a career is decades!

[Anonymous]

I think about it when I talk to younger friends who are in no rush at all. I started trying when I was 31, needed 4 rounds of IVF and a miracle to get my twins. I think people assume if they want kids at 40 they'll "just do IVF" and it will work. when I told a friend the IVF stats for a 38 year old (which is her age) she couldn't believe they were so low.

also, kinda off topic, but I hate how pop culture makes it seem like it is so easy to get pregnant. at least on how I met your mother they had to try for a while, but so many movies and tv shows it just takes one time. not realistic!!!

[Anonymous]

In my program we were all fairly aware of this reality. I had kids in grad school and I was not the only one. While I'm happy about the timing I now have no desire to work in academia. The hours and environment are not family-friendly (for women). OP, are you sure you would have taken the same path if you had kids earlier? Maybe that is the cost of having a position you enjoy. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you do get #2 soon.

[Anonymous]

I feel like it should be told and retold, early and often, e.g. incorporated into sex ed in schools even - we always hear about this"abstain" vs "use a condom" debate - instead of both of those women should be taught about fertility and how thier fertility works. I have masters degrees and have travelled the world don't think I ever knew about "the fertile window" or even heard the term "advanced materal age" until I started trying to have kids in my late 30s. I did not meet my husband until late so I don't think I would have been a mom earlier, but I do think I would have frozen my eggs for use later.

[Anonymous]

Well if you're mentoring young women, I think you ought to be providing professional mentoring, not gynecological mentoring or life-mentoring. But if the young women do ask you, then tell them the truth which is that it is better NOT to wait until 40 or after. If one waits until later they do take the risk that they will not be able to have a healthy child. But if their career is that important to them that they are willing to take that risk, then of course that's their decision.

Many, many women in their 40's do not have healthy children. But some do. I had mine at 37 and 45.

[Anonymous]

It's not only hard to get pregnant in your late 30's another thing to consider is that the pregnancy can be really hard when you are advanced maternal age. I'm 39 and it's been so hard!

[Anonymous]

I was just thinking that it is interesting that this thread is juxtaposed with another thread on this board about keeping IVF secret. I don't think that anyone "owes" anyone else total openness about the circumstances of their children's birth. But I can't help but think that being secretive about IVF and infertility in general leads people to believe that having children at age 40+ is no big deal. After all, how would they know any different, if people are unwilling to talk about their use of IVF, donor eggs, or other artificial reproductive technologies. They don't know how long or heartbreaking the journey might have been; they just see a 40+ year old woman with a baby.

[Anonymous]

I knew it would be harder to get pregnant in late 30's and onward but since I was not married, I did not have a choice but to wait. Before I was married the second time, I seriously thought about using donor sperm to get pregnant but I just can't see myself as a single mother raising a child since I am very traditional and a Catholic. Well, I got married and we have severe male infertility (low motility, low morph as well as low count) so we ended up doing IVF almost one year after we got married. 3 IVF with own eggs later and one miscarriage, we moved on to donor egg IVF. 2 fresh DE IVF and 1 FET later we only had 1 chemical PG. I am in the process of starting my 3rd DE cycle at a new clinic in Oregon which has much higher take home baby rate than any clinics in the DC area. So here's hoping for success this time around. It has been 9 years since we've embarked on this TTC journey.

When our friend got married at 40, I thought to myself I hope she will not wait too long to try to get pregnant. Sure enough she was pregnant 3 months later. I was very happy for her as well as felt sorry for myself. Then I heard she had a miscarriage, I felt horrible that I was jealous of her for getting pregnant so quickly. Now I am thinking maybe I should try to talk to her about the problem of TTCing in your 40's which can result in genetic miscarriages. She is in healthcare profession so I think she is intelligent enough to research on her own the risks. Anyways I don't want to intrude on her and assume she wants my advice so I will just stay back and offer if she wants to talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So actually, I'd love to learn more about the period between 35 and 40. I had my first at 34, and if we have a second we don't plan to start ttc until the end of this year, at which point I'll be 37.

Frankly, I have no good sense of what kind of effect on my fertility is likely if we waited six months, or a year, or two, at this point.

PP, start now! It may take until the end of this year to get pregnant, and if it works before then, even better. I am sure you have very solid reasons for waiting until the end of the year, but if you have trouble conceiving, which I sincerely hope you do not, those reasons may begin to seem very insignificant.

Well, not really. I'm not ready to be pregnant again. If we have trouble conceiving, we'll only have one child. And I'm okay with that.

I hadn't realized that I'd posted this in the TTC discussion/support forum, however, so I'll bow out now--but would definitely be interested in any stats about that 35-40 year period if anyone has a handy link.

[Anonymous]

I've been thinking about this topic lately as I am TTC at 34 and it's taking longer than I imagined. I didn't "wait", but didn't find my partner until 32.

My very best friend in the world is 35 and has desperately wanted to settle down since she was in her late 20's. She has an incredibly accomplished career, but really the one thing she wants is a marriage and children - and it's been so frustrating and hard for her. She'd give her career up in a heartbeat for this, but she's just not meeting anyone.

My question is this: She's 35 now. I don't want to freak her out, and I don't want to hurt her feelings - but I've thought about bringing up the option of freezing her eggs. I know how important a family is to her, and I know she'd never think of this on her own as she's so focused on meeting someone when she's not working.

Maybe I'll wait a year and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Here is the link to the stats for fertility between 35-40

http://www.babycenter.com/0_chart-the-effect-of-age-on-fertility_6155.bc