My 3 year old is a brat
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
Why? Because, right there you lost and she won. This was the "boundaries test" that everybody keeps talking about and you failed it - even if you won the particular tantrum battle. Those feelings are the bud you are supposed to nip. Feelings are not sacred; by making them such you support a child in thrall of her wants. |
Anonymous
| huh? how is this advice? |
Anonymous
OP, if it makes you feel any better, my DD was like yours at that age, complete with the 1-year-old brother and the angelic behavior in preschool. Over time I came to realize that she is actually way more intense than other kids. Other parents complain about 20-minute tantrums but DD had 90-minute tantrums. Things will get better as she gets a little older and develops more capacity for self-control and rationality. What helped was things that other PPs have recommended, like 1. repeating calmly "no one wants to hear you cry" and "you will not get what you want by crying" when the tantrum starts to give her the option of backing down 2. removing her to her room when the tantrum gets going 3. asking her to practice using her polite voice when she gets whiny Things got much better when she was 5. I wish I could tell you we had it all figured out, but just this morning I sent DD back to her room because she was being rude to her brother. She came out smiling 10 minutes later, so I think the self-control has largely kicked in. FWIW, my mother says I was the same way. She believes I was acting out my need for independence before the age of 5. My adolescence was a breeze, relatively speaking. |
I have noticed when I try to be more empathetic and loving she does better than when I am a strict disciplinarian. I must admit that being consistent is not my strong suit and something I struggle with daily.. not with discipline but just with routines, life in general, etc and I think if I improved that, it would help her. It does make me feel better to hear there are other kids acting out like her. I was always the kid who was embarrassed by other kids' bad behavior (anyone else like this?) and it is one of my biggest fears to have THAT kid. I need to focus more on the positive and less on the negative. Thank you again!
Anonymous
|
To 12:14 who wanted more detail on the approach of not having the goal be controlling the child, but the child learning to control himself: here is one from the other day. Best advice, though, is to read Alfie Kohn. Example: my kid always wants a toy when we go to Target. Always. I know it, he knows it. So going to Target the other night I got down at his level at said we were going, he needed a new x and he got to pick it out. He said he'd go, but he'd want a toy. I said nope, he could come and pick out x himself or I would go alone and pick it out for him, either way no toy. He went. He picked out the x he wanted, and as we went by toys he looked sad, opened his mouth to cry, and I put my hand on his shoulder, and said "look at your nice x. Think about what you got, rather than those other things. I know you can." He made it through. If he had melted down (which he does sometimes) I would have picked him up and carried him out of the store without buying the thing we went for. I think of this as the same approach as they do in teaching these days, with "scaffolding" - building support to learn something, and then bit by bit removing the support so kid can do it alone.
To the poster who said this approach is all about "honeying" and praising: I don't praise. Almost ever. You won't ever hear me saying "good job cleaning up!" I thank, I laugh and smile, I hug and kiss. But along with trying to make self control of bad urges internal, I also try to make desire to do good things internal to the kid, not trying to get a "good job!" out of me. |
Anonymous
| To 13:26, the "you lost, she won" poster: this is totally outside of my parenting ken. My relationship with my kid isn't a competition, it isn't zero-sum, and I hope never to be in a position where I am trying to "beat" him, either figuratively or literally. If you are at a point in your interaction with your kid where it is all about control (who has it, who can get it, who can outlast/outwit/outpower who) you both lose. Because neither of you can ever quit, can you? Since you are bigger and smarter now kid will give in, but only for now. The desire for control and mastery - of YOU! - will not go away, because you have taught your kid that relationships are about power and control. |
Anonymous
I see it as it's the actions as what you want to nip, not the feelings. Feelings are what they are and can be intense, and I see validating them as helps give the child language and understanding so that next time he/she can exert control over them. I'm the pp asking for explanation, not the "you". Just someone who's parent attempted to do a lot of nipping, and who has a great deal of anger issues today. I wish I'd had more help processing my intense feelings as a kid. |
Anonymous
Sorry - but you aren't teaching self control. You, do, however, appear to be very interested in "winning" .....Tiger Blood anyone? Michael Potegal, Ph.D., a pediatric neuropsychologist at the University of Minnesota, in Minneapolis, has spent the latest part of his professional career studying tantrums and how and why young children have such brutally emotional explosions. http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/43344470/ns/today-parenting_and_family/t/why-toddlers-throw-tantrums/ |
Anonymous
What do you want me to say? Spank her? That could work but only as a part of a broader package. Philosophy is much important that specific technique, which varies by age and child. I don't have a clue what would in particular be suitable for this particular child, and neither do you. But I do know that people who have spoiled children and want that to change need to stop worshiping their children (their crafts, their feelings, their meager successes etc - I know quite a few parents who stop talking every time their children open their mouths, as if not to miss any pearl of wisdom that will soon be coming) and engage in endless discussions with them about what should be done and why. They need to stop counting children's choices and views the same as those of parents and feel that they need to provide an explanation every time their child's wishes are overriden. I apologize if there is not enough advice here  . Jeezus.
|
Anonymous
But power is zero sum, and if you want to have authority, you need power. So, yes, some interactions (not all obviously) are in fact zero-sum - either you are your child's boss and she is your boss. |
Anonymous
|
PP here:
Either you are your child's boss OR she is your boss. So you people are basically letting your children (not adult children, mind you, but 3-4-5 year olds) be your bosses. |
Anonymous
|
Here's the Today show segment if interested.
http://childconductclinic.yale.edu/today-moms-meltdown-how-to-tame-your-tots-tantrums |
Anonymous
|
14:02 - why do you accord a beloved child less respect that common courtesy would dictate you give to almost anyone? If you needed a coworker to stop something they were doing, you'd ask politely and tell them why. If you found a woman crying on the floor I hope you'd squat down and ask what was wrong and if you could help. So, if you and your child disagree on what should be done, yes, you discuss it. Endlessly? No. At some point all that should be said has been said, and you can politely tell your child you have nothing more to add. But the child is a person worthy of respect, too.
Children's choices, emotions, and views DO count as much as adults', at least in my view. They matter to God, I think, they matter to the kid, and so they matter to me. Doesn't mean the kid gets his way, though, in the end, because kids often want stuff that isn't good for themselves or others. |
Anonymous
|
14:07 - No, you have exactly wrong. I am not my child's boss, nor is he mine. I am his mother. There are things our family must do to keep him safe and well and to teach him to be a just, productive, kind person. He doesn't always like those things, and he can't control them. But my goal isn't to impose my will on him, and his goal isn't to impose his will on me (why do you assume your kid is out to best you?).
Look, clearly we see children and their role in the world and in families differently. Have at it. But it offends me that you spew this vitriol against kids and parents that do things differently than you. If you see my kid in school or at the grocery store you assume I parent like you do, probably, because my kid is well behaved for the most part. But we got there through a different path than you. |
Anonymous
No, I don't assume that because there are plenty of children that are polite with others (whom they can't boss around) while treating their own parents like crap (because they can). So, just because your child is polite to me, does not mean that I will assume it is polite to you. So, no, we are not at the same destination, much less on the same path. |
Anonymous
I do very much respect Tiger-mom - I think that she is brilliant, funny, attractive and creative with terrific daughters and a fabulous career, family and life. I found it funny that so many on DCUM could not suppress their envy that her daughter made it to Harvard 8)
If I weren't a PhD psychologist myself, maybe I would also take this research seriously. But I am - and this is crap. |