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[quote=Anonymous]To 12:14 who wanted more detail on the approach of not having the goal be controlling the child, but the child learning to control himself: here is one from the other day.  Best advice, though, is to read Alfie Kohn.  Example: my kid always wants a toy when we go to Target.  Always.  I know it, he knows it.  So going to Target the other night I got down at his level at said we were going, he needed a new x and he got to pick it out.  He said he'd go, but he'd want a toy.  I said nope, he could come and pick out x himself or I would go alone and pick it out for him, either way no toy.  He went.  He picked out the x he wanted, and as we went by toys he looked sad, opened his mouth to cry, and I put my hand on his shoulder, and said "look at your nice x.  Think about what you got, rather than those other things.  I know you can."  He made it through.  If he had melted down (which he does sometimes) I would have picked him up and carried him out of the store without buying the thing we went for.  I think of this as the same approach as they do in teaching these days, with "scaffolding" - building support to learn something, and then bit by bit removing the support so kid can do it alone.

To the poster who said this approach is all about "honeying" and praising: I don't praise.  Almost ever.  You won't ever hear me saying "good job cleaning up!"  I thank, I laugh and smile, I hug and kiss.  But along with trying to make self control of bad urges internal, I also try to make desire to do good things internal to the kid, not trying to get a "good job!" out of me.

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