My 3 year old is a brat
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Anonymous
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OP, what you describe is absolutely typical for a 3-4 year old. It's developmental, and it's annoying and embarassing (though it really shouldn't be given how age-appropriate it is.) Which is another way of saying, no, it's not a response to your previous impatience or yelling. So first let go of the mom guilt.
Beyond that, I agree with most everyone above. Try clear, immediate and connected consequences for bad behavior. (Meaning: if she throws the bike helmet, you say we don't throw, and tell her she is acting like a girl who is not ready to ride her bike, so there will be no bike riding today (or this weekend)). No warnings, no counting. Swift, clear consequences. In addition, we mix it up sometimes with sticker charts to reward GOOD behavior. The Alan Kazdin book is worth reading to do it right. Within a few days we fixed the morning getting dressed tantrum. We're now working on the more general "calm down and talk like a big girl when you are upset" goal. It's moving more slowly but we're seeing progress. Which leads to my last thought. 20:58 is onto something about the "more hugs" part. For us, hugs are not instead of swift consequences -- they're in addition to. Meaning, we're very clear and physical about the reconciliation after time outs or other consequences. We've taught DD to apologize with a complete sentence ("I'm sorry for . . . ") after she's calmed down, and then we do hug it out. We also look for ways to spontaneously praise good behavior choices, often with a hug. I think that part of this age is a push/pull with parental love. They need strong, consistent boundaries, but they also need physical remimnders of our love. Good luck (and ignore silly people like 19:13.) |
Anonymous
Hugs, hugs and more hugs - ths will solve everything. Jeezus you people are clueless. |
Anonymous
Try it, it works. (Not the hug recommending PP, btw.) Tell the kid you understand she's upset, give her a snuggle, and then move on. It's a loving distraction while their language is catching up with their intense wants. I have a very sweet and happy 4.5 year old who also went through a brief bratty phase. "Discipline", like time outs and taking toys away just upset her further, and taught her nothing. Hugs calmed her and taught her that not realizing her every whim wasn't a lack of love, just something we all deal with. She's pretty perfect now, always uses exquisite manners, and only ever needs one brief reminder about whining. Where's the bad? |
Anonymous
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Yep. You just described my almost 4 year old son. He is moody and will strike me-- but has his cuddly moments too. He goes from loving to hating in a flash. Throws things too.
My firstborn son was totally even keeled and calm so this is all new to me. I have seen younger one beginning to get a bit better and more ready to reason the closer he gets to 4. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you for (most of) the replies. I was in a really bad mood earlier as I'm sure you can tell. I have also been in a crappy place emotionally lately and this is making the stuff with my DD extra hard I think. To be fair to my 3 year old, she is a delight for everyone else and gets nothing but glowing reports from preschool. So I suppose I should feel happy that she saves it all for me instead of spreading it out all over.  I have noticed when I try to be more empathetic and loving she does better than when I am a strict disciplinarian. I must admit that being consistent is not my strong suit and something I struggle with daily.. not with discipline but just with routines, life in general, etc and I think if I improved that, it would help her. It does make me feel better to hear there are other kids acting out like her. I was always the kid who was embarrassed by other kids' bad behavior (anyone else like this?) and it is one of my biggest fears to have THAT kid. I need to focus more on the positive and less on the negative. Thank you again!
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Anonymous
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Three yr olds are brats. Two is cake compared to three. Three is when I started sending DS to his room if he couldn't handle things. It doesn't happen often but it gives him a few minutes of quiet time to calm down and also makes it clear to him that I won't tolerate it.
I know it's embarrassing. He pitched the biggest screaming and throwing himself on the floor in Lord & Taylor once. I was mortified. Once I got him to the car, I let him lay on the floor in the back to get it out and we were fine. They are still learning to communicate, find their words, form a sentence, it's pretty emotionally overwhelming. It's also the perfect time for them to either take or leave a nap and some kids don't manage very well. |
Anonymous
I so agree-if parents start early with what they allow it gets so much easier |
Anonymous
said the barren woman |
Anonymous
Yes Sometimes you can playfully get them out of their moods. Tickle them. Make them laugh, etc. |
Anonymous
I agree 100 percent. The most telling comment to me was the "I keep hoping something will kick in" comment. Like parenting? A 3/4 year old throwing things and having ten minute fits is suffering from lack of discipline. Not one child in my family (mine or extended) behaves like that at that age. Oh they might whine or pout or beg for something here and there, of course they are not perfect, but a "shut it down" look or comment from the parents will suffice 99 percent of the time. You can tell yourselves all you want that it's age appropriate but it's *not*. It's parents too lazy to parent so every poor behavior is labeled "oh, just part of the age." Nope. |
Anonymous
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Please, do not listen to the mothers of easy-going children who believe they know it all and this is your fault because you do not 'discipline' your DD. Some kids are not easy to control or discipline.
I recommend reading the Difficult Child, which is very helpful even for parents of moderately difficult children, or children that go through difficult phases. A few changes really made a difference for us. Now we are a happier and more relaxed family. |
Anonymous
Well, I think OP has been very up-front about the things she knows she could do differently to help her kiddo out. And while I think some people are a little abrasive in "it's called parenting" remarks, I personally would try to take those into account, too, even if you suspect your child is more resistant to discipline or difficult or spirited or whatever than the children of others. I say this as someone who has personally found a combination of (a) small but regular doses of attention and affection throughout the day that do NOT happen when the child reminds you she needs them by acting out (often a very clever way to get a parent's attention) combined with (b) stricter, consistent consequences for the behaviors I cannot tolerate-- not CRUEL consequences, but clear ones and (c) most importantly, regular mealtimes, snacks, quiet/naptime, and sleeping times to be very helpful. You can leave out (b), but if you're the kind of parent who inwardly moans "I can't take this, you brat! Shut up!" your family would probably be happier with a few more CLEAR rules and consequences. It's really nobody else's business what you choose to do, but this can make YOUR life more pleasant, and it certainly won't destroy your child's lovely spirit. I think as long as you're doing the other things (so you don't feel that guilt that you're punishing a child who just craves your attention, or is hungry, or tired) you feel better about being a little bit stricter of a disciplinarian. |
Anonymous
I think you're absolutely right. My children don't act like that either because I don't give into it. Parenting that blame the nature of their child are in for a long road |
Anonymous
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My son did this, too, off and on through 3 and into 4. When I mentioned it to his preschool teachers and asked for insight they were flabbergasted because he is so obedient 100% of the time for them...and was for us 85% of the time, too. But that 15%! Whew. Yes, consistency helps a lot.
But. My kid was (and still is) just amped up by punishment and "just do it or else" stuff. It just makes it so much worse. Turns a momentary flare into a 2 hour ordeal. And really, this "it wouldn't be allowed in my house" would have no natural end in my house - my kid is ready to take your time out and raise you a kicking fit. Send him to his room and he will tear it apart. Doing that (all of which I have done, BTW, until I learned it didn't work to get the best behavior out of him) ended up with physical restraint to assert my control over him. It was the only thing that did work to assert my control. And I realized I shouldn't be fighting to control my kid. I should be teaching him to control HIMSELF. And since that other stuff didn't do that - he lost control, instead - I've used other methods now. I set him up to maintain his control, steer him when he begins to lose it, and when he very rarely now does lose control help him make it quick by giving him my understanding. Would it work for every kid? I'm sure not. But it works for my high strung kid, and I hear everyday from teachers, coaches and friends what a good kid he is, so don't knock it. |
Anonymous
| It's strange that the "blaming" posters have no constructive criticism other than, perhaps, telling OP to build a time machine and start over again. |