To those of you who have axes to grind re: SAH vs. WOH-this post is for you!

[Anonymous]

Lots of people post on DCUM about how they don't believe that this conflict exists IRL. Their evidence to support this position is that they have both WOHM and SAHM friends and everybody gets along and nobody is mean or judgy to one another. And that is true because you are talking about a group of friends. Not a group of acquaintances. Or a group of people who have one thing only in common like your kids go to the same school or play on the same sports team. It is in that context that the judging comments or outright nastiness spills forth.

I have posted before about SAHMs at our school who ask me at every school day event if I came from work and if I have to go back to work after the event. When I respond that I do have to go back to work, I am told, "Well at least little Susan got to see her mommy for a WHOLE HOUR today!!" On of the FT WOHMs I work with was told that working moms were not allowed to room parents at her school by the SAHM room parent coordinator. On my daughter's sports team, the team mom tells me, "Well I know you work, but we really try hard to have homemade snacks at meets. It is so much healthier than buying packaged foods." My friends never say anything of the kind to me. They call me and tell me they are at Michael's and there are book sox and they are picking me up a few. They text me and say my kid played her instrument the best at the grandparents day concert I couldn't go to. And I call them and say drop your kids off here for a few hours and go to the store and get all that crap we need for that stupid project our kids have to do. Get your nails done while you're at it. I will feed them lunch and then we will stick them in the basement and we will have some wine.

So yes, you're right, your friends don't say mean things. Because they are your friends. It's them that aren't your friends that are waiting to stick a knife in you.

[Anonymous]

I used to live in Arlington- I worked full time as a master's-level mental health counselor at a hospital, it wasn't the most glamorous job, but I enjoyed it. I got pregnant with twins, our 900-something square house started feeling pretty small. I stopped working once the twins were born and we moved out to Fairfax. Although I had a brief stint working one day a week at my former place of employment, I am now fully SAH. My whole life changed, but this was what worked for me. I have never experienced any kind of negative critique from anybody around me- when I was in Arlington everyone knew my plans, and here I am in Fairfax and I feel accepted. Some day I might return to work, but I kind of doubt it. I think this is where I am supposed to be and I am happy. I should add I have plenty of SAHM friends, but more working mom friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you are happy with your choices and you are not a complete asshole, then you have no dog in this fight.

I posted earlier about being a SAH in Chevy Chase DC with school-age kids. I am actually really happy with my life. I mean that.

My problem is, nobody else is happy about it! And they tell me in so many ways:

Although we can easily afford to live on one income, my spouse lets me know that I disappoint him because I am no longer "professionally ambitious." Exact words. I have neighbors who say things that aren't mean, but let me know they're surprised that I SAH now since they knew me when I was a _____. Don't get me started on my Dad, who told me flat-out that he didn't think he raised me to "give up."

My inlaws talk behind my back, and bump into people I used to know professionally and "talk", at DC parties. Love that one. They socialize with my old boss and cluck their tongues.

I do think that if I had left a $28,000 GS-5 job, a LOT of the above wouldn't come into play. I think the type of career I left makes people think they should say something to me, as if I don't realize what I've done and they're helping right a wrong.

Wow. I'm sorry to hear that. I also live in CCDC and have never looked down on SAHMs. Maybe you hang around the wrong crowd, and that crowd starts with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a college grad and I would LOVE to be a SAHM. I don't scorn them; I am envious. WOHM is over rated. And I have a good paying, high level "career". Bah.

And here we have the root of the problem. I think most people who have the axes to grind are actually unhappy with their choice, whether they SAH or WAH or WOH. They secretly want to do something other than what they are doing, but for various reasons cannot work or cannot stay home (or stay at home and work pt, etc). So they pretend scorn for what they actually would rather do to make themselves feel better.

(PP, I am not saying, BTW, that you are one of those evil women-you are honest that you would rather SAH, rather than being resentful and mean to SAHMs about it. Good for you for being honest with yourself, and hopefully you can work your life so that you can SAH. GL!)

Not true. I have an axe to grind because so many people seem to think having dual WOHPs working full time is just too haaarrdd, and it's that wimpy attitude that gets to me.

It is hard; it's not a good enough reason for my DH and me to stop being a dual WOHP family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I DO think its a waste of resources to train someone for many years to have them end up as SAHMs.

I do too. I'm not quite sure what people mean when they say they don't encounter it in real life. I admit I judge my acquaintances with graduate degrees who are SAHM's. Note I didn't say friends, because none of my close friends are SAHM's (maybe coincidence, I have no idea). I wouldn't think "OMG WHAT A GOLD DIGGER, MIGHT AS WELL BE A 50's HOUSEWIFE," but I do wonder why they bothered with the graduate degree (yes circumstances change etc, but these are women who intended to quit their jobs, and did, when they got pregnant). I don't tell them that to their faces, though.

But what do you think about a teacher or social worker who stays at home because she cannot afford the cost of child care, despite graduate degrees?

Some neutral observations.

1) If she has a partner who is also earning money, then the cost of childcare should come out of BOTH their salaries, not just the teacher's/social worker's.
2) Teaching and social work are two careers that are on-rampable after off-ramping.

The grad degrees I was referring to was not master's, but MD, JD, and PhD which are generally 1) involve a large financial investment 2) highly trained and 3) If ones SAH, can encounter very difficult re-entry (loss of licenses, relevant and recent experience, etc.) In addition to the argument that those programs a very competitive and that person would take the place of someone else willing to work longer in the field.

[Anonymous]

"But what do you think about a teacher or social worker who stays at home because she cannot afford the cost of child care, despite graduate degrees?"

That they were stupid to choose low paying careers and then pop out a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"But what do you think about a teacher or social worker who stays at home because she cannot afford the cost of child care, despite graduate degrees?"

That they were stupid to choose low paying careers and then pop out a baby.

Teacher here who was blasted for having enough money on a PT salary to have a nanny, pay private tuition, pay activities, long-term health, etc . . . Married to an educator

No debt - just mortgage
No summer childcare with which to deal - kids are all ours over the summer!!!!

Home by 11:30 during school year - So I do pick up.

You sound like an idiot - and probably are one!

[Anonymous]

Really? In my neighborhood (upper NW DC), SAHs are the mom. Of course they're loaded and they stay at home because they can and they usually have help, but still, I feel like they are the ones looking down on me (like "poor little thing, she's so poor she has to work")

[Anonymous]

I meant SAHs are the norm

[Anonymous]

Be happy with our opportunities and our choices. I think SAHMs judge WOHM, my opinion. Thing is we all have different circumstances. Stop pretending everyone is in same boat as you are and just made different choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be happy with our opportunities and our choices. I think SAHMs judge WOHM, my opinion. Thing is we all have different circumstances. Stop pretending everyone is in same boat as you are and just made different choices.

EXACTLY! If anyone has an "axe to gring" other than OP- you really need to figure out why you are so upset with your decision that you have to judge someone elses'. There are plenty of SAHM on DCUM who think WOHM are terrible because their chilren are in *gasp* daycare. And plenty of WOHMs who think that SAHMs are uneducated twits. BOTH are wrong.

Be confident with yourself and then happiness will hopefully follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be happy with our opportunities and our choices. I think SAHMs judge WOHM, my opinion. Thing is we all have different circumstances. Stop pretending everyone is in same boat as you are and just made different choices.

EXACTLY! If anyone has an "axe to gring" other than OP- you really need to figure out why you are so upset with your decision that you have to judge someone elses'. There are plenty of SAHM on DCUM who think WOHM are terrible because their chilren are in *gasp* daycare. And plenty of WOHMs who think that SAHMs are uneducated twits. BOTH are wrong.

Be confident with yourself and then happiness will hopefully follow.

[Anonymous]

oops sorry for the double post!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I have a graduate degree, and I SAH. I would be lying if I said I never felt like I was wasting that degree, but right now, at this moment, I'm doing what makes me happy, and therefore, my family is happy. That's what matters to me and our family. "

Isn't life about more than happiness? But more to your point, I believe there are multiple ways to happiness and of course you should SAH if that's what's best for your family overall. Our family is predicated on dual full time WOHPs - baseline.

I'm curious...what is more important than your family's happiness?

[Anonymous]

Not pp, but I am guessing not being homeless, being able to afford food, health insurance.... Maybe some women enjoy working.... OMG! Maybe the family is happier if the parents are happier. Maybe we could all agree we don't understand other people's reasons and agree to disagree on the solutions.