To those of you who have axes to grind re: SAH vs. WOH-this post is for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP, maybe you've never been in a position to mentor or to supervise younger women, but it is utterly disheartening to see major talent, skill, acumen in one's field go to waste. After spending years and a lot of energy training young women to become future leaders in my particular field, I am disappointed when women give it up to SAH.

While there have been situations where it simply wasn't possible for a young woman to continue in the field--and for those reasons, I am completely sympathetic to giving up their careers--more often than not, I've seen young women give up without trying hard enough. Not willing to negotiate with their bosses and HR, not wanting to de-rail DH's career ("because his earning potential is so much more than mine"), or "mommy-tracking" even before they've gotten married, much less having had children.

So, what, you would rather force them into a job they hate, making them spend time away from something they clearly desire to do instead? I excelled at my job, but right now, it's not half as important to me as being home with my kids. It is sad to me that people can feel such disappointment in something that clearly makes me, and my family, very happy.

Please note, I am not talking about women who simply want to be carried by their husband, who SAH because they think they can relax all day or something. Those women usually have a rude awakening when they do have kids, and SAH is not what they expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP, maybe you've never been in a position to mentor or to supervise younger women, but it is utterly disheartening to see major talent, skill, acumen in one's field go to waste. After spending years and a lot of energy training young women to become future leaders in my particular field, I am disappointed when women give it up to SAH.

While there have been situations where it simply wasn't possible for a young woman to continue in the field--and for those reasons, I am completely sympathetic to giving up their careers--more often than not, I've seen young women give up without trying hard enough. Not willing to negotiate with their bosses and HR, not wanting to de-rail DH's career ("because his earning potential is so much more than mine"), or "mommy-tracking" even before they've gotten married, much less having had children.

His earning potential is higher, statistically.

Also, the key here is that each of these women, no matter what you want for them and what you have invested in them, has to make the decision that they feel is right for them. Maybe they don't want the life you have. Why would they need to try hard enough to have YOUR life, when that is not THEIR life and what they want for their family?

[Anonymous]

I am a college grad and I would LOVE to be a SAHM. I don't scorn them; I am envious. WOHM is over rated. And I have a good paying, high level "career". Bah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a college grad and I would LOVE to be a SAHM. I don't scorn them; I am envious. WOHM is over rated. And I have a good paying, high level "career". Bah.

And here we have the root of the problem. I think most people who have the axes to grind are actually unhappy with their choice, whether they SAH or WAH or WOH. They secretly want to do something other than what they are doing, but for various reasons cannot work or cannot stay home (or stay at home and work pt, etc). So they pretend scorn for what they actually would rather do to make themselves feel better.

(PP, I am not saying, BTW, that you are one of those evil women-you are honest that you would rather SAH, rather than being resentful and mean to SAHMs about it. Good for you for being honest with yourself, and hopefully you can work your life so that you can SAH. GL!)

[Anonymous]

I agree, op! Right now I work part time but have done everything from work VERY full time (resident before 80 hr week rule) to stay home and I have never encountered even a sliver if this nastiness irl. Obviously partly that's because this is anonymous but I also think(hope?) people are exaggerating the disdain they feel for "the other side" for the sake of a good interwebs brawl.

What I have encountered is some mild pining away for the r
Path not chosen (as in "wouldn't it be nice to have more time for cooking Orr the kids valentines day party" or, on the other side " I miss working with my colleagues, it would be great to have more money in the 529s and we could if I were working.". Granted, many of these women are able to afford to choose and I'm well aware that's not representative.


Are there other ladies who are seeing no mommy wars irl?

Also, among haters on both sides, where do part time woh moms fall? I work 20 hrs and am curious if this is okay with either "side."

[Anonymous]

If you are happy with your choices and you are not a complete asshole, then you have no dog in this fight.

[Anonymous]

I never post on these threads when they get pissy because I LOVE LOVE LOVE my life and feel so thankful every day. I don't understand where the anger comes from?

[Anonymous]

If you are happy with your choices and you are not a complete asshole, then you have no dog in this fight.

I posted earlier about being a SAH in Chevy Chase DC with school-age kids. I am actually really happy with my life. I mean that.

My problem is, nobody else is happy about it! And they tell me in so many ways:

Although we can easily afford to live on one income, my spouse lets me know that I disappoint him because I am no longer "professionally ambitious." Exact words. I have neighbors who say things that aren't mean, but let me know they're surprised that I SAH now since they knew me when I was a _____. Don't get me started on my Dad, who told me flat-out that he didn't think he raised me to "give up."

My inlaws talk behind my back, and bump into people I used to know professionally and "talk", at DC parties. Love that one. They socialize with my old boss and cluck their tongues.

I do think that if I had left a $28,000 GS-5 job, a LOT of the above wouldn't come into play. I think the type of career I left makes people think they should say something to me, as if I don't realize what I've done and they're helping right a wrong.

[Anonymous]

Most women SAH and WOH over the course of their children's lives, so I never understand this argument.

I have a grad degree (in a STEM field) but SAH right now because of a perfect storm of family issues, special needs child and both parents are terminally ill on the West Coast. You can scorn me all you want. I seriously cannot handle anymore stress.

[Anonymous]

OP and 12:07 -- I totally agree with you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you are happy with your choices and you are not a complete asshole, then you have no dog in this fight.

I posted earlier about being a SAH in Chevy Chase DC with school-age kids. I am actually really happy with my life. I mean that.

My problem is, nobody else is happy about it! And they tell me in so many ways:

Although we can easily afford to live on one income, my spouse lets me know that I disappoint him because I am no longer "professionally ambitious." Exact words. I have neighbors who say things that aren't mean, but let me know they're surprised that I SAH now since they knew me when I was a _____. Don't get me started on my Dad, who told me flat-out that he didn't think he raised me to "give up."

My inlaws talk behind my back, and bump into people I used to know professionally and "talk", at DC parties. Love that one. They socialize with my old boss and cluck their tongues.

I do think that if I had left a $28,000 GS-5 job, a LOT of the above wouldn't come into play. I think the type of career I left makes people think they should say something to me, as if I don't realize what I've done and they're helping right a wrong.

not cool.

[Anonymous]

This is a fabricated web/media argument. IRL, we are
supportive or just don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a fabricated web/media argument. IRL, we are
supportive or just don't care.

I agree. I WOH FT as an attorney. My cousins are my closest "mom" friends - mostly they SAH. One SAH. A couple gave up high-earning careers to SAH. One is even a SAH with a housekeeper and nanny. According to DCUM we should have nothing to say to one another, yet they are such amazing sources of support. When my kid had a rough time adjusting to day care, they calling to check in and being completely supportive. I just don't see WOH/SAH as a big issue in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything is a pissing contest here. It's insane.

Actually, everything is a pissing contest on DCUM. I grew up in McLean and my parents both worked crazy hours. I had friends that had stay at home moms, parents that worked out of the house, just lived with mom, had two dads, you name it. And you know what? Nobody cared.

I live further out now (in Fairfax) and I still find that nobody cares. We moved her last year and everyone on our street has been so welcoming -- in fact, nobody asked what we did until we had been here for awhile and it came up in conversation.

In my opinion, if you want life to be a pissing contest, it will be. Whether you live in Bethesda, NW, Falls Church, or Idaho.

I hope that you're right. I like to think that people are just attacking because they themselves feel attacked, and that in real life they're a lot more accepting of different situations.

But on the other hand, I can't imagine spending all this time bashing one side or the other if I really didn't care. I mean, would a non-racist go on some forum and start making racist comments? Or is the Internet the only "safe haven" for these kinds of thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Just want to say that I am totally and completely envious of SAHMs. I always thought my child would go to daycare (I did and so did DH). We found a good one, and then on maternity leave I realized I didn't want to leave DS but we never planned financially for me to stay home. I literally cried every day I dropped him off at daycare. I am a teacher so at least he doesn't have to go all year. However, sad as it sounds, I make more money than DH so for me to quit my job, even without paying daycare, would not work for us. Finally this year I was able to go down to three days a week (DS is 2.5) but my heart still aches when I drop him off. I wish I could stay home with him .