Do you ever shout at your kids?

[Anonymous]

You don't have to ever yell if you just calmly give consequences when they don't listen. Ask them to do something, if they don't calmly take away toy, or privelege. If their getting you to an uncontrollable anger it's because you have asked them over and over to do something. They will constantly ignore you if you don't follow through on the first warnings. Your getting mad because your warning over and over again. Nip it early.

[Anonymous]

Interesting PP, so what would you do if the action is complicated. Our daily struggle is getting dressed. The consistently most effective thing is threatening to do the "Hard way" (forcible dressing) and beginning to follow through. This is after warnings, countowns, options, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh absolutely. I have two teenage boys at home and it is a vital means of communication.

I am with you 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to ever yell if you just calmly give consequences when they don't listen. Ask them to do something, if they don't calmly take away toy, or privelege. If their getting you to an uncontrollable anger it's because you have asked them over and over to do something. They will constantly ignore you if you don't follow through on the first warnings. Your getting mad because your warning over and over again. Nip it early.

Saint PP, shouting IMO is not uncontrollable anger - it is negative emotion. My teenage son is MR. I Will - he doesn't argue, just doesn't do - anything. Move shoes from the stairs, put his dishes in the dishwasher, move his laundry from the washer to the dryer to the bedroom, flush the toilet - in short all those horrible things Moms expect a young man who can drive a car to do. I can ask calmly till the cows come home - a raised voice and expression of Mister - this is it! is all that works sadly. You don't send a 17 yo to the corner or take away his favorite toy car. I rarely raised my voice when they were little - Middle school was about it. Maybe it is my raging hormones and their raging hormones colliding

[Anonymous]

We as parents continually confuse short term desires for long term goals. I can get my son to do ANYTHING if I scream at him and make it scary. But I don't want him to do this to his kids, I don't want him to think this is an effective means of conversation or arbitration, and I don't want him to do things out of fear.

One of my son's teachers gave me a good angle on hollering. He said that there are definitely times you SHOULD holler...when you are trying to let your child know this is something very important to you (I would not put socks left on the stairs in that category, but I would certainly put something like drinking and driving, being dishonest, blatantly showing a lack of empathy toward others, etc in that category). But then, you should always try to use yelling deliberately...it should rarely emanate from anger. Anger does not belong in a house where the primary goal should be for people to feel safe and loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anger does not belong in a house where the primary goal should be for people to feel safe and loved.

I broadly agree with you, but I disagree with this one sentence. I think that children are better off if they learn early that people get angry, that it's okay to get angry, that there are better and worse ways to deal with it, that sometimes when people get angry at you it's not your fault (and sometimes it sort of is...), and that the people who love you still love you even when they're upset. I come from a family where emotions were generally bottled up, and to this day I find anger in anyone excessively frightening.

I'm not defending screaming at children, just saying that anger needs to be acknowledged as a normal and inescapable emotion, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anger does not belong in a house where the primary goal should be for people to feel safe and loved.

I broadly agree with you, but I disagree with this one sentence. I think that children are better off if they learn early that people get angry, that it's okay to get angry, that there are better and worse ways to deal with it, that sometimes when people get angry at you it's not your fault (and sometimes it sort of is...), and that the people who love you still love you even when they're upset. I come from a family where emotions were generally bottled up, and to this day I find anger in anyone excessively frightening.

I'm not defending screaming at children, just saying that anger needs to be acknowledged as a normal and inescapable emotion, IMO.

Agree that anger is a normal emotion. I have even labelled it for my 3 year old boy - you're angry because mommy says it's time to go home now. Then I ask that he just tell me he's angry next time instead of having a tantrum (he never has - maybe he's too young - but I figure it is better to give him the message that's better to verbalize it rather than act it out).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to ever yell if you just calmly give consequences when they don't listen. Ask them to do something, if they don't calmly take away toy, or privelege. If their getting you to an uncontrollable anger it's because you have asked them over and over to do something. They will constantly ignore you if you don't follow through on the first warnings. Your getting mad because your warning over and over again. Nip it early.

This poster either does not have children or only has one infant. This is not real world advice because there is nothing calm about these kind of interactions. In fact, when I visualize this emotionless person repeating their instructions over and over, it's kind of creepy.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to be emotionless to avoid screaming. I am filled with emotion. I just don't scream.

It seems like some people are getting upset with moms/dads who somehow avoid screaming. I can tell you, I was THRILLED to be able to take advice or learn something from someone who seemed to be able to successfully raise children without screaming. Which is why I spent hours on the phone with my sister, kept adopting her strategies, and finally got to the point where I can say I don't need to scream.

[zumbamama]

I have on occasion, but try not to, because if you do it all the time, they will just tune you out even more, and then you have to keep getting louder and louder each time they act up. We are all human, and I don't think it makes you a bad parent if you have, just human. But personally, I hate the way yelling/shouting makes me feel—it makes me tense, unless I am yelling at my students, in which case I'm laughing. I agree with the PP, to try to nip it early by taking away whatever is distracting them, get them to look you in the eyes and try to hold their gaze while you explain to them what you need to explain. Mine will try to keep looking away, but when I have eye contact I feel they are really listening to me then. Then I can say calmly but sternly, you will not play with that toy unless you pick up your mess and apologize to your sister. I also use time-outs when they are bad, reward them with points when they are good. They love points...and they don't cost anything! And I can use them as leverage, as I do with their toys and TV time...all privileges that depend on their behavior.

[Anonymous]

This was actually a nice thread on yelling...

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/11632.page#66507

[Anonymous]

I hate it, but yes I yell, scream, say things I don't mean, threaten. I have a 3 and 6 yr old. they drive me up the wall sometimes. This is usually a PMS thing. BUT I have never laid a hand on my children and never will. I always tell them I am sorry for yelling and I do try to get it together when I am at my wits end. My kids are very happy and very strong willed. Like I said, I do not like yelling but sometimes I just blow a fuse.