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Do you ever shout at your kids?
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Anonymous
| I am not much of a yeller, but my kid can definitely get it out of me! I don't think an occasional raised voice is damaging to a kid. It's one thing among all the things you do in a day. |
Anonymous
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Never.
Ahem. Okay, sometimes. But very rarely and I always apologize and discuss it with dc afterward. Dc feels safe enough to tell me now to "You need to calm down, Mama" if I raise my voice. More frightening for my (3 y/o) dc is when I get quietly furious and make that face that we all have in us to make. |
SarahC
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Member Offline
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I really have enjoyed reading these posts - now I know I am not alone!
Sounds like most of us are "normal". We get frustrated and we yell sometimes - we are human and we are moms! My husband is in Iraq and I find myself yelling at my twin 3 year olds more than when they were younger. Part of it has to do with their ages and part b/c my husband is gone and I have more stress. I am sure when he comes back I will still have the occasional melt downs with the kids. The important thing is balance and acceptance - yelling should not be a norm, but should not be seen as failing as a parent. |
Anonymous
| For those who say they don't ever yell at their kids, I wonder how much time they really spend with them? I work as a nanny (and a mom to a 3 yr old). I spend pretty much 24/7 w/ preschoolers and probably yell at my son every other day or so. A lot depends on me and how little sleep I've gotten. The mom I nanny for spends way less time w/ her son than I do but often yells. When we go to the pool, we see kids from daycare there and the teachers yell a lot too. Maybe it is just unrealistic to expect people who spend all day every day w/ kids to be reasonable and level headed all the time. |
Anonymous
You have three year old twins and your husband is in Iraq? If I could email you a margarita I would. |
Anonymous
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that was such a cute reply.
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Anonymous
Me too. I have a three and four year old (13 months apart), and my husband is leaving for Iraq in a couple of weeks. He was in Afghanistan this time last year. Oh, the first five weeks were the worst. I yelled daily, several times a day, it was such a bad transition. My Au Pair arrived at the five week point, and while it was still another few weeks before she was left alone with them, it was a lot less stressful. |
Anonymous
| My DD just turned one and within the past week won't lay down/sit still/stop twisting on the changing table to change her...I yelled at her - she cried harder with tears. Felt terrible and am making an effort to be more patient with her and come up with better ways to change her, i.e. on the floor with a book, etc. Hard in the morning, by yourself trying to get to work on time with two high maintenance dogs... |
Anonymous
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We do yell though we try to get a grip on it and not let it become a habit. I'm not so much worried that raising our voices will emotionally damage our kids..they certainly don't seem too upset when we do yell.
I worry more that it simply creates more behavior problems. Have you ever noticed that parents who are screamers seem to have the worst behaved kids? Could be that the kids are simply difficult and that is why they yell but I think there is a good possibility that screaming begets screaming back. Yelling in public is pretty bad. You end up disturbing others and looking like an idiot. We were in Montgomery Mall this weekend and there was a mother screaming at her child on Hannah A. The kid didn't seem to be doing anything but this women was yelling at the top of her voice, threatening not to buy him a shirt....you know two year olds care so much about a shirt on a good sale. When she walked out of the store with toddler and embarrassed hubby, everyone..other patrons, the clerks and myself just looked at each and commented how crazy she was and needed anger management. I'm then walking through Nordstrom to the elevators and my baby has fallen asleep in his stroller. I hear this women yelling again. This loon is about to wake up my baby and I don't want to have to tell her to shut up on the elevator so we race ahead to grab one that is about to go up. Her kid didn't seem phased and I have no reason to think she was an abusive mother just a really loud annoying, out of control person who needs to get a clue. |
Anonymous
You know, this is a really good point. I can honestly say I've never yelled at my kids in public, largely because I know/believe it is socially unacceptable. This isn't to say that my kids haven't misbehaved in public (they do). Somehow I always manage to get them under control without yelling though. I hadn't thought about that until this minute...but if I can control them quietly out (without even having the time out option), I suppose I should be able to control them quietly in...! |
Anonymous
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Because we have an only child, our world is unusually orderly. I practically never have to get mad because our kid is so happy to do what's expected. Too "adult" from spending so much time around adults.
I much prefer the chaos that ensues when his cousins are over -- and I have to resort to shouting. Now THAT is the kind of childhood that I remember fondly. |
Anonymous
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No, honestly I don't. This probably has more to do with my personality than anything else. I don't think I've ever shouted at anyone-ever. I'm not a yeller (but my DH would say that I have a tongue made of razors).
However, whenever my active little boy gets out of hand (which is quite common) I purposely lower my voice, lower my body to his level, make him look me in the eye, and I correct him. He absolutely knows when my voice comes down, its trouble. I have many friends who lose their tempers with their tots (totally normal!!!), but when this happens it really frightens my little guy, even if it's not directed at him, he gets a really worried look and his eyes well up with tears. I don't think the yelling is really so much a problem (within reason), but what I have noticed in friends is that there are many threats, but very little follow-up. I think less yelling would be required, if the threats were not empty. No matter where we are or who is over, no matter what an inconvenience or embarrassment, if my son gets out of control, we take a time out or remove the object that is causing the problems. I don't want him to think that he can get away with more in public or in front of other people, just because mom will not follow up. |
Anonymous
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It is damaging. My mother had a short temper and yelled/shouted at me while I was growing up. My mother and I have a terrible relationship, in part b/c I remember the hurtful way she spoke to me. She did not insult me, or say things that were mean or abusive, but she did shout and use an ugly tone of voice to make her point - a lot. She continued to do this even as I became an adult. One day, I finally worked up the nerve to calmly tell her that I was a grown woman, and that she had an anger problem, and that I would not tolerate being spoken to in that way any more. She didn't like it, but she did stop yelling at me (now she yells at my dad more). Our relationship is still pretty bad, partly b/c I then started sticking up for my dad....anyway...
I vowed I would not treat my child this way. Sometimes I do get upset and raise my voice, but I rarely yell. When I do, afterwards I feel incredibly guilty. I wait 5 minutes, then I go to my child and say "I am sorry I yelled. I was upset, but that is no excuse to yell at you. Next time, I will try to do better. Mommy needs a time out for her bad behavior." And I will go to time out, just like I give my DD. |
Anonymous
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" don't think the yelling is really so much a problem (within reason), but what I have noticed in friends is that there are many threats, but very little follow-up. I think less yelling would be required, if the threats were not empty."
Great point. DH gets very frustrated with our 3 year old. I keep telling him to just send her to time out and stop constantly threatening time out and not following through on it. She behaves much better for me but with him they are always locked in a shouting battle over whether or not she will get a time out. |
Anonymous
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Re: yelling in public, I occasionally yell, but it's by no means my main mode of raising my child. That said, there have been some seriously embarrassing moments when I have lost it in public while being completely overwhelmed, and lo and behold we were "those people."
Keep in mind that when we see someone losing it in public, we're usually catching a tiny snapshot of a person's life that isn't necessarily representative of the whole. |