Do you ever shout at your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never.

Ahem.

Okay, sometimes. But very rarely and I always apologize and discuss it with dc afterward. Dc feels safe enough to tell me now to "You need to calm down, Mama" if I raise my voice.

More frightening for my (3 y/o) dc is when I get quietly furious and make that face that we all have in us to make.

Me again.

In all seriousness, what is emotionally damaging for children is to grow up in an environment that feels unsafe, scary, chronically angry or in which they feel like they are always either in trouble or about to get into trouble.

When I do lose my temper and raise my voice, I make sure that my dc knows that it is my issue and not dc's. Dc usually gets kind of a puzzled look when I lose my cool, because it is so out of character and, like I said before, tells me that I need to calm down. Which means I do.

I cannot be a perfect mother or a perfect person - despite my best intentions. The best gift I can give my dc is to help dc know me as a whole and fallible person and to model for dc how to accept and manage my own weaknesses so that they have the least negative impact on others as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to complain that no one ever took her seriously until she got angry. I feel that way now with my husband-- when I melt down and cry and scream, he said "why didn't you say anything before?" And the answer is, I did, over and over again. But I said it in a civilized, conversational tone, and you tuned me out because you were making love to the reports and spreadsheets on your computer.

my dh makes love to his mac computer. I tell him at least 3 times I'm doing something: have a rec class, going to dinner with a friend, going shopping before I go. On my way out the door, he says I didn't communciate it to him. Ugh!

Write it down as a memo-with date and time then slide it on his computer keyboard as he's using it.

[Anonymous]

I have raised my voice to my 18 month old-but often midway through, I correct myself. My toddler is so active-at the age where he has to do everything himself-including feeding-and it takes every ounce of energy I have to not yell. He throws his food constantly-feeds the dog-knows how to empty his sippy cup. My husband is much better with patience that I am, although I do make a concerted effort to not raise my voice and take deep breaths. My mother was a screamer-and same here, we don't have a good relationship. When we visit, it's for 3 days only, I can't take anymore than that.

Side topic. How do I get my son to STOP throwing his food ALL THE TIME?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Side topic. How do I get my son to STOP throwing his food ALL THE TIME?

wait it out for about 6 months

[Anonymous]

Honestly, No I don't yell.

I find most parents who yell a lot end up with kids who become immune to their yelling at some point or another. They just ignore it, or mock the parent (yelling becomes totally ineffective.) Then those parents have no way of dealing with their children. Or the child becomes afraid of the parent and doesn't truely feel safe in the relationship. They have a subconsious sense of fear and very unhappy childhood memories of parental interactions to say the least.
These parents who use yelling as their main source of "control" or disipline have forgone the opportunity of creating a relationship based on mutual respect and are left with children who will only respond to threats, until the threats no longer work and the children just rebel.
Obviously I'm speaking about parents who yell often and this is,of course, just IMHO...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who say they don't ever yell at their kids, I wonder how much time they really spend with them? I work as a nanny (and a mom to a 3 yr old). I spend pretty much 24/7 w/ preschoolers and probably yell at my son every other day or so. A lot depends on me and how little sleep I've gotten. The mom I nanny for spends way less time w/ her son than I do but often yells. When we go to the pool, we see kids from daycare there and the teachers yell a lot too. Maybe it is just unrealistic to expect people who spend all day every day w/ kids to be reasonable and level headed all the time.

I am a SAHM and I don't yell at my children. Yes, sometimes I say in a loud voice, "Stop!" if he's running too far ahead of me or something like that but I don't ever yell AT THEM, for doing something wrong or something like that. They are children and although we are stressed and tired we should treat them as we'd like to be treated. I don't remeber my Mom ever yelling at me either...

[Anonymous]

I'm interested in hearing from those who never or rarely yell (assuming that your children are past the toddler stage) how they manage to keep their cool. Have you developed any coping strategies that you find particularly helpful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who say they don't ever yell at their kids, I wonder how much time they really spend with them? I work as a nanny (and a mom to a 3 yr old). I spend pretty much 24/7 w/ preschoolers and probably yell at my son every other day or so. A lot depends on me and how little sleep I've gotten. The mom I nanny for spends way less time w/ her son than I do but often yells. When we go to the pool, we see kids from daycare there and the teachers yell a lot too. Maybe it is just unrealistic to expect people who spend all day every day w/ kids to be reasonable and level headed all the time.

I am a SAHM and I don't yell at my children. Yes, sometimes I say in a loud voice, "Stop!" if he's running too far ahead of me or something like that but I don't ever yell AT THEM, for doing something wrong or something like that. They are children and although we are stressed and tired we should treat them as we'd like to be treated. I don't remeber my Mom ever yelling at me either...

I work PT, no yelling here. Of course, like the above poster, I yell if there is danger involved, but never AT my child. Honestly, I hold myself at a much higher standard now that I'm a mom. When interviewing daycares I ruled out quite a few due to yelling. I spent a week at my DSs current daycare originally and never saw yelling. It is quite amazing how calm and orderly things run. My DC lady has 5 older children of her own and has an amazing calm about her. I'm no saint, my DS was whining in a high pitch ALL DAY yesterday, it drove me nuts, I literally wanted to jump out of my skin. The second DH walked through the door I said "He's your problem now, I need to relax." I then left the room and zoned out in front of hte TV for 30 minuets and watched E!. DH had not even put down his bag and I went running for the bedroom, onions have chopped on the counter and water boiling.

I'm a PP and like I said, it is not in my disposition to yell at anyone. I grew up in a very calm household where yelling just did not happen. However, when we visit DHs family, I leave with a headache from all of the yelling and fighting that goes on. Yelling is something I simply find very unpleasant to do and be a reciever of.

[Anonymous]

I yell.

I try not to, but sometimes I get extremely frustrated. Truth is, both son and dad only realize how frustrating they are after I lose it.

I don't call names. I don't use mean adjectives. I don't give empty threats. I get frustrated, hollar.

Thing is, I find everyone is finally open to discussion after I blow the gasket.

I don't feel bad. It isn't a daily thing - once every two months or so.

My kid is secure. He doesn't like the yelling, but like 11:34, he knows it isn't about his failures as a person. He knows to take me seriously, though, when this happens.

There are lots of ways to create insecure kids. Yelling doesn't always lead to it.

[Anonymous]

I have seriously yelled at my child about 4 to 5 times. By this I mean in his face, very high volume, until he is cowering, yelling. It is the worst thing I have ever done to my child and I believe it is very harmful. At the times it happened, I was clearly frustrated and venting. Each time I would promise myself it would NEVER happen again. It has been almost 3 years since the last time (DC is almost 7) and I still occasionally guilt about the few times it happened. So normal raised voice is not so desirable but normal ... but the kind of yelling I did those few times was completely not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have seriously yelled at my child about 4 to 5 times. By this I mean in his face, very high volume, until he is cowering, yelling. It is the worst thing I have ever done to my child and I believe it is very harmful. At the times it happened, I was clearly frustrated and venting. Each time I would promise myself it would NEVER happen again. It has been almost 3 years since the last time (DC is almost 7) and I still occasionally guilt about the few times it happened. So normal raised voice is not so desirable but normal ... but the kind of yelling I did those few times was completely not acceptable.

You're a really big person to admit this and recognize that it is wrong

[Anonymous]

I have a 3.5 year old boy who is spirited and I am a single mom. Have I yelled? Yes.

I have gotten to the point where I have lost it and yelled about 5 times - this only started when my son was approaching 3 years old. I mean where I felt I wasn't in control. Usually during that morning rush out the door. Whoever said that 3's are worse than 2's was right.

I have apologized afterward and explain - mommy was in a hurry, mommy is having a bad day. I didn't like losing control - and he was frightened.

I do my best to stay calm. When I feel like I am about to lose it, I give him a warning - I say that if he keeps on doing X, I am going to have to yell. I tell him I don't want to yell because yelling is not nice so I really need him to do X. I ask him if he wants me to yell. He says no. I ask him to please stop doing X then. He becomes compliant. It may not be ideal but at least I don't lose control and he is aware that he has some control also.

These incidents might happen once every 1-2 months. I find that when I am not stressed, I'm a calmer parent and put up with more tantrums, opposition etc. So lately I'm working on how to keep my workload manageable and reduce the stress in my life. It's getting better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm interested in hearing from those who never or rarely yell (assuming that your children are past the toddler stage) how they manage to keep their cool. Have you developed any coping strategies that you find particularly helpful?

I don't tend to yell. But we have 3 under 8 yrs old and they get wild at times and can't hear me once they get all worked up. So we bought one of those huge Asian gongs that people buy from places like World Market. When the little heathens are going crazy, I often walk into the family room and hit the gong. The immediately all look at me in shock and then I can tell them to calm down. It works every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm interested in hearing from those who never or rarely yell (assuming that your children are past the toddler stage) how they manage to keep their cool. Have you developed any coping strategies that you find particularly helpful?

I don't tend to yell. But we have 3 under 8 yrs old and they get wild at times and can't hear me once they get all worked up. So we bought one of those huge Asian gongs that people buy from places like World Market. When the little heathens are going crazy, I often walk into the family room and hit the gong. The immediately all look at me in shock and then I can tell them to calm down. It works every time.

I think that's just as bad as yelling - in some ways. But it's funny too! I'm glad it works for you, and I think I might invest in one too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm interested in hearing from those who never or rarely yell (assuming that your children are past the toddler stage) how they manage to keep their cool. Have you developed any coping strategies that you find particularly helpful?

When my 3 year old does something that enrages me - and yes, I feel the rage and want to yell/shout like everyone else - I literally give myself a quick "time out" and walk away, even if for just a few seconds. Then I return to the scene of the crime and either a) raise my voice forcefully and firmly and tell him why the behavior was unacceptable, or b) put him on my lap and talk to him - ask him what's wrong, why is he acting this way, is he mad about something, is he sick, etc.

I agree with another PP who said that ideally children should grow up in a stable, secure, emotionally safe environment free of adults yelling and screaming and generally acting abusive. As someone who grew up in such a home, I can tell you first hand that yes - therapy is in the future of those children and it's not fun. Period.