Advice / words of encouragement needed from parents of spirited kids

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I need help from other spirited kids out there. I just had an awful evening with my 4.5 yo. It ended with her hitting herself, screaming that she hates me, throwing her dolls and shoes, etc. at a pizza parlor / playground. I carried her to the car, buckled her in, brought her home, put her in her bed, and took away all her dolls (I warned her that if she continued throwing them, that would happen). I am aware of what her triggers were in this situation, but I am just so tired of having to plan for every eventuality that might set her off. Why can’t she be just a little more easy-going? While I maintained my cool throughout most of the situation, I did speak sharply to her when we got back to the car and right now I am so upset… This is just so hard. And not patting my own back, but I am a pretty mellow and grounded parent, yet I don't always feel like I have what it takes to raise a kid that is so challenging. Do other parents of similarly spirited kid have any words of advice or guidance for me?

[Anonymous]

I'm with you! We have a spirited 4 yr old. Very sensitive to the senses and very intense. It's exhausting. I, too, wish she were easier, more malleable, just generally nicer and not so moody! It sounds as if you handled it very well, considering the toll 4.5 yrs of a difficult child places on you! I really wish I could give some lovely advice, but all I can say is: keep calm. And get as much help as you can. From your husband/partner/grandparents/whomever! I am exhausted typing this tonight - it's been a long week. It does seem unfair that we always have to plan for what will set them off, etc...Have a glass of wine, read up on the books (they at least make me feel as if I'm not alone) and get a good night's sleep. I wonder what lesson the world has planned for us by giving us such spirited kids? In the long run, their intense traits can be very positive attributes. At least that's what I keep telling myself!

[Anonymous]

My sister cut wheat out of her son's diet and made sure he ran a lot to expend some energy - made a big difference Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

You know what worries me most about my intense 4.5 yr old? That he's only 4.5. That we can look forward to approx. 15 more years of his moods, intensity, etc. under our roof.

I have no practical advice, sorry. Other than, stay your mellow self, drink moderate amounts of wine, and repeat to yourself often, "It's not personal."

On the bright side, these very qualities that make these kids .... "more ___" are often the traits that may make for go gettum' adults! Or so my go-to book says. That's what I tell myself when I find myself pulling out clumps of my own hair. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

I had an extremely spirited son, who is now a mellow nine year old. The number of times I wanted to pull my hair out. What I found was the most helpful was some advice from my sister. She said "Don't ever raise your voice". Sounds so silly. But I can tell you, whenever I raised my voice I absolutely fed into the tantrum. If you can train yourself consistently (I mean CONSISTENTLY) to get quiet as your child goes into a storm, you will remove 90% of the gas in that car.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. Thank you to all of the previous posters. It is really nice to know that there are others out there with similarly spirited children.

And in particular, thank you to the 00:10 poster. I can't imagine my daughter ever being a mellow 9 yo, but you never know.

In terms of never yelling, I have noticed that is what I used to do, but in the last few months, I have gotten more frustrated than ever and have been yelling some. I noticed that it gets an immediate response (silence, remorse, etc.), but I worry about the long-term impact.

Thanks again to all the PPs!

[Anonymous]

This is the mom of the now mellow 9 year old. I will say I started down the yelling path because it would get the immediate silence. It totally does work, but it also does start to become the norm. I was doing it more and more, it would end up creating even bigger spirals, and frankly I started to get depressed and guilty about how so many nights ended in yelling. Who wants to live that way?

I should also correct my use of the term "mellow". I have a kid who still has it in him to flip (for example, if he is losing at his video game or he can't get something to work). I just feel like he has been able to better understand the limits of what he can do without it always going into the punishment mode.

One thing I think was also helpful was NOT going to defcom 3 everytime my son lost it in a major way. I totally understand this dilemma: You've gone and told your daughter you are taking away the dolls if she keeps throwing them. So she throws them. So what do you do? I think you were right to take them away. But in my experience, my son's worst tantrums (or more like spiraling out of control) was what happened whenever I started taking things away. He just could not handle it. So when he would have a major meltdown and not get control, and when I would summarily say, "Okay, now you've lost the tv" it would result in the hugest attack "No! No! No! One more chance!" and seriously, that was when most of my yelling would start to take over, as my son would be pushing me, yelling etc. By the end of the night, my son would have lost just about every non-life-sustaining item in his world, because it ALWAYS got worse.

And I think there was a major help when I took it down a notch. If we were playing a game and he got frustrated because I was winning and started acting like he was going to topple the board, rather than saying, "Okay, now you've lost the game", I would say, "Okay, go upstairs and when you are collected I'll play with you. I can't play with you now." Because kids will ALWAYS test every limit, of course I had a kid who kept coming down the stairs and starting over again. And sometimes I did take the game away. But I less and less employed the take away game because that seemed to be the biggest problem for my son.

Finally, all this pain now is setting the groundwork for your daughter on how to best handle disappointment. I know I used to have a lot of talks with my son at night lying in his bed, going through strategies with him. Mostly, it was the chance at the end of the night not to criticize, but to convey acceptance and support for what obviously is an issue for him. I know it has all worked, because even though the spirited outbursts will still occasionally surface, I always get a quick "I'm sorry", and more importantly, I'll often get something else 10 minutes later like, "I'm sorry I was losing it with the video game".

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Wow, this is a great discussion. As the mom of a "spirited" 4yo boy, I can totally relate to what the OP wrote - and totally appreciate the advice and words of wisdom from others. It's a tough thing - I love my child more than I ever imagined possible, and yet I still have these moments where I wish he had the easygoing temperment of some of his friends. And I also feel like we place lots of limitations on our lives because we want to avoid triggers. My son still naps - because we have always invested a huge amount of effort in ensuring that he does; the alternative is a crazy, hyper, unhappy kid. We also have avoided taking him to his grandparents across the country; he's great with a DVD but after a couple of horrendous short flights we just can't work up the nerve to bring him on a 6 hour flight. Needless to say the grandparents think we're awful parents/children. And I know we have friends who find our limitations annoying - can't go to the circus at 11:30am cause he might freak out? How ridiculous!

I try to look at my son as I would if he had some kind of physical disability; I think he's the greatest thing since sliced bread but there are just certain things he (we) can't do - like go to the circus at noontime for example. I wish I could channel the equanimity of the PP in not reacting to tantrums, etc - even though I know you're right, I can't say I always keep my cool during his meltdowns. But I also see signs of progress (in all of us!!) as he's maturing, which gives me hope. Thanks so much for raising this issue and for the great, practical advice from the mom of the mellow 9 yo - you sound like you really have it figured out!!

[Anonymous]

Mellow 9 year old mom here. With regard to these seemingly crazy decisions we make, such as never to make engagements that interfere with nap time, just remember it IS only temporary. I remember that reaction too, like I was crazy to actually prioritize naps. Well, I prioritize sanity. And frankly, it was fine by me to give up five years of afternoon socializing to make sure my child was rested. Would these people be berating you if you said your child needed dialysis between 12 and 2 every day? Would they be saying "Jees, skip a day!" Well, I know it's not dialysis, but it sure feels like it, doesn't it?

[Anonymous]

This is OP again, thanks to all of the posters. It is just nice to know that there are other spirited kids out there and it is great to hear some of the techniques that you have used to help you kids. I have often thought (even before my own dd came along) that one of the most important jobs of a parent is to really understand their child and help them best maneuver / cope / succeed in the world given their temperament. Now, getting to know my dd, I think this is even more true with spirited kids. I hope you all don't mind... but I may need to come back for more encouragement after particularly bad days! And hopefully can report some successful and fun days too.