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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP- We adopted our DD from Korea; we're caucasian. She's now 5. We live in a diverse neighborhood in NYC where there are all kinds of people and families. I don't know why, but I get asked all these kinds of quesitons on a daily basis.  I'm not exaggerating.  I'm amazed by all the posters who never get asked.  We're living a very different experience.

How I respond depends on many factors, so it varies.  Sometimes I'm warm, friendly and open about it (always, of course, only to a degree that I feel respects my DD).  Sometimes I'm polite and factual (Yes. 5 months. No. Korea. Yes we do know some information. No, we're the lucky ones.)  Sometimes I'm rude but factual (Is she Chinese? no. Does she look like her daddy? no. Is she mine? Yes.  Eye roll.)   Sometimes I ignore the asker altogether (like the crazy lady on the subway).  I'm just trying to help my DD understand that like many things, she has choices and different circumstances call for different responses.

When I really need to end the conversation, which is happening more and more because my DD is getting older, I usually say something like, "OK. Thanks. Have a good day", and turn back to my food or my husband or my grocery cart or whatever. Or I often just say. as silly as this may sound, "Isn't it nice out today?" or "Doesn't this place have great pizza?" even though it doesn't fit into the conversation at all.   I'm always surprised by the people who come back to our table over and over again in the course of one meal.  To them, I simply stop talking. I just smile, nod, and turn away.  At this point, I try hard to never seem exasperated or frustrated about this particular thing in front of my DD.

I love her. I'm proud of her. I want her to not care about all of this. Or maybe I want her to care about it if that's what she wants. I just want her to grow up happy.   I know that she is a child who has many facets and I feel bad for her that this one, about which she had no choice or knowledge of at the time these decisions were made, is brought up to her in a very public way all the time.  She doesn't seem to mind right now, but how will I know what she is really thinking or feeling? Or what she thinks when someone asks for the 5th time this week if I'm her real mom? It's complicated and I appreciate you posting your questions in the first place so we can discuss it as a caring, thoughtful community. [/quote]

I'm one of the posters who rarely gets asked and I think this response was pretty close to gold standard.  This parent (unlike the OP) doesn't view the topic as somehow shameful and she models appropriate responses for her daughter, based on who's doing the asking and what the specific topic is (being from Korea is not a big deal, asking questions about birthfamily is rather rude/intrusive).  Your daughter is taking all this in and you're teaching her how to answer on her own, and decide what she wants to share.  I'm sorry for anyone who gets asked "are you her real mom? (but there are lots of humorous ways to answer this).

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