My husband is addicted to marijuana

[Anonymous]

As other pps have noted, the point the OP was making was not about whether or not smoking pot was a bad thing but about her husband's secretive and destructive behavior which was associated with his personal use of pot. She didn't say every pot smoker behaves that way.

OP, every family that has a member who is dependent on drugs or alcohol or whatever has a particular dynamic that may enable the user to continue using. You should learn more about how addiction affects family behavior patterns and what you can do to stop playing along. I don't know if it involves divorce or not but I recommend you talk to a professional who specializes in addiction before making a decision. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think a lot of the PPs who are justifying their own recreational pot use are ignoring the OP's statements about the dishonesty involved and how her husband's habit is affecting their family.

I agree with you. They're seeing the OP's statements as an attack on their own pot use and are so busy justifying themselves that they're completely ignoring the problems of lying, stealing, etc. They've made the OP's post about them, not about the OP's husband and family.

[Anonymous]

well go ahead and give your advice then. I stated earlier that I wasn't sure what she should do. Maybe counseling, maybe try to open up to him and help wean him off of it. If you want to give her advice on what to do, the by all means go ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:well go ahead and give your advice then. I stated earlier that I wasn't sure what she should do. Maybe counseling, maybe try to open up to him and help wean him off of it. If you want to give her advice on what to do, the by all means go ahead.

10:37 here. I'm a counselor who has worked with substance abusers and their families a lot. The best advice I can give her is to see a counselor or therapist who has experience working with this kind of issue. She needs help for the long haul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't leave the children unattended with him- you already know he sleeps through and doesn't pay any attention to them at all.

I personally would leave if he doesn't get his act together in the next few months, but i have no tolerance for drug use...

Also, smoking pot is not without risk- it is illegal, it does involve a drug dealer (and the possibility of things going wrong...) and has been shown to have long term impacts such as a higher level of paranoia, etc.

Do you want your kids to smoke pot as teens? Because if you stay with your husband you're not going to have much to say to them about why they can't when your husband did and you were tolerated that.

Its a tough situation. I wouldn't leave without giving it a last try (and telling him he ha only 6mos to kick the habit or whatever time frame) use that time to plan your exit strategy in case you need to use it.

Good luck.

All true, I'd also worry about him setting the house on fire or getting pulled over with kids and pot in the car. Does he smoke around the kids? My father smoked around me when I was 2 and 3 years old. Flash forward 13 years and the first time I smelled pot smoke I had a flashback to him smoking in front of me. Very weird but the smell triggered the memory. Your kids will think it is ok because dad does it.

[Anonymous]

OP here- whodathunk this would have been such an enlightening topic... actually, I had a feeling that I would get a variety of responses, and I appreciate each and every one of them.

For those that do smoke - thank you for your perspective. The reason being- my husband justifies his usage and behavior in many of the same ways. He says that "so many people" do it, and are fine - I believe there may even be a group at his job that get together. It is helpful for me to hear why you all do it, because although I said we have an "open" communication, it is really not that "open"... I just keep catching him in the act and since he is in a corner, he is honest about it. Trust me- he doesn't openly tell me when he is smoking, and whenever I ask him about it he says "he hasn't smoked in a while..." but then I catch him again. ~sigh~

For those that don't - I appreciate your perspective as well. My view on the usage is pretty conservative. I actually have a security clearance and have been poly'ed multiple times... so any drug abuse (or alcohol) could be detrimental to my career. Lucky for me- the investigations always focus on ME and they don't ask questions of significant others (at least not at the moment). Anyway, seeing your viewpoints makes me see that I am not completely a completely uptight, nagging wife... my concerns for our family and the affects that his lying and dishonesty bare upon us are real. I very much wonder how he gets it and if he goes to dangerous areas to do so...

You know what is so crazy... for those that have said that only I can make the decision based on whether I love him (I agree)... I wonder actually if the person I fell in love with is his using personality or his real personality. He really has two, and only recently have I realized that I believe one is when he is high and the other is when he isn't. I fell in love with the fact that he was laid back, funny, and social... he was a great compliment to me (I am a worrier, need to be organized, plan ahead, etc.). He had a good job, yada yada. The thing that bothers me every day, however, is that he actually makes less money now than when I met him! My salary has doubled... and his has gone down. Not much, but I started out making about the same $$ as him and now I am by far the bread winner... and this doesn't seem to bother him one bit. I attribute this to his using... especially after seeing the affects it has on some of the PP.

Anyway, I hope this discussion continues, as I think it is so insightful. Very seldom to people speak so frankly on this topic (especially professionals), so thank you for your contribution!

BTW- I will definitely look into Alanon for support for the family members... great suggestion. Another BTW- I have an appointment with my lawyer on monday.

[Anonymous]

what a sweetie OP is

[Anonymous]

I agree. OP- you have a great head on your shoulders. I wish the best for you and your family. You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

OP, chiming in late with one perspective that I didn't see in any of the other posts: My husband was arrested last night for possession of mj and drug paraphernalia. I'm mad, and scared, and who knows what else. And don't know what to do.

Like you, I had extracted a promise from him that he wouldn't use illegal drugs -- no judgment on the morality, etc. it's just that I cant run the risk of being associated with them in any fashion for professional reasons. He said no problem. So, three years later, viola. He's been using all the time, I suppose. And what if his toddler had found his stash and decided to put it in her mouth? That's all I keep thinking about.

No advice for you, but I can tell you that you don't want to be where I am now.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband toking after work to relieve stress? On Friday nights with friend after a long week?

Not being nosy...but just want to help you figure out why is even doing it - stress reliever, social interaction, etc.

You could almost make the same argument with cigarettes except the high from nicotene isn't as "paralyzing" as the high from weed, but people smoke to relieve stress, have it with a beer, to socialize, etc.

I do worry that your husband is lying and stealing. That would be a red flag for me regardless of whether it is weed related or not.

Also, is there enough puff around for the kids to get a contact buzz. That too might worry me.

One last though - have you confronted him? You say in your post that communication has always been open - well how does he "justify" his habit (is it a habit?).

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I eat McDonalds in secret, my husband has no clue. I only use cash b/c I don't want him to see it on the credit card and bust me. I eat it in secret because I am the biggest "organic" freak about food, but I'm addicted to McD's. If my husband found out he would tease me forever and think I'm a hypocrite (which I am). Does this mean that I live a secret life and be a pedophile? Should I be trusted alone with the kids?


I do too! We should start a group!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- whodathunk this would have been such an enlightening topic... actually, I had a feeling that I would get a variety of responses, and I appreciate each and every one of them.

For those that do smoke - thank you for your perspective. The reason being- my husband justifies his usage and behavior in many of the same ways. He says that "so many people" do it, and are fine - I believe there may even be a group at his job that get together. It is helpful for me to hear why you all do it, because although I said we have an "open" communication, it is really not that "open"... I just keep catching him in the act and since he is in a corner, he is honest about it. Trust me- he doesn't openly tell me when he is smoking, and whenever I ask him about it he says "he hasn't smoked in a while..." but then I catch him again. ~sigh~

For those that don't - I appreciate your perspective as well. My view on the usage is pretty conservative. I actually have a security clearance and have been poly'ed multiple times... so any drug abuse (or alcohol) could be detrimental to my career. Lucky for me- the investigations always focus on ME and they don't ask questions of significant others (at least not at the moment). Anyway, seeing your viewpoints makes me see that I am not completely a completely uptight, nagging wife... my concerns for our family and the affects that his lying and dishonesty bare upon us are real. I very much wonder how he gets it and if he goes to dangerous areas to do so...

You know what is so crazy... for those that have said that only I can make the decision based on whether I love him (I agree)... I wonder actually if the person I fell in love with is his using personality or his real personality. He really has two, and only recently have I realized that I believe one is when he is high and the other is when he isn't. I fell in love with the fact that he was laid back, funny, and social... he was a great compliment to me (I am a worrier, need to be organized, plan ahead, etc.). He had a good job, yada yada. The thing that bothers me every day, however, is that he actually makes less money now than when I met him! My salary has doubled... and his has gone down. Not much, but I started out making about the same $$ as him and now I am by far the bread winner... and this doesn't seem to bother him one bit. I attribute this to his using... especially after seeing the affects it has on some of the PP.

Anyway, I hope this discussion continues, as I think it is so insightful. Very seldom to people speak so frankly on this topic (especially professionals), so thank you for your contribution!

BTW- I will definitely look into Alanon for support for the family members... great suggestion. Another BTW- I have an appointment with my lawyer on monday.

OP you sound like a well grounded person who has given the situation a lot of thought. I think you bring up a great point about which persona you fell in love with.

Good luck -- I think you are going to make the right decision for you.

[Anonymous]

What would bother me the most was not necessarily the actually smoking of the pot, but the mentality that he can feels he can excuse himself from being a responsible parent. If you are both home, does he justify his pot smoking because you are home to watch your young children? Why should you solely be responsible for them? You are the bread winner, the primary care-giver...and he gets to lounge around and smoke pot all day?

Here is an ugly, selfish statement about myself....my husband smokes--very rarely, but when I am dealing with screaming kids with dinner is on the stove, and I call to him for some help....when at that moment he is outside quietly, slowly inhaling a cigarette...I get furious.

[Anonymous]

I am actually shocked that some people seem to think that him watching the kids under the influence is ok. I guess I can get drunk then and be ok with watching my kids?

I am also surprised about the fact that people seem to justify their pot use by saying it doesn't cause physical dependence, etc. That's all good and everything, more power to you, but to me smoking pot while watching your kids is no different than drinking while watching your kids. The latter is frowned upon by many people.

I don't do either, in fact, I have never smoked pot in my life (although I grew up 5 miles from the dutch border ) I do drink when my kids are sleeping, but in moderation of course.

OP, I wish you luck. I think that if he uses pot regularly, he needs help.

[Anonymous]

I recommend watching Woody Harrelson's documentary on the mj called "Grass."