My husband is addicted to marijuana

[Anonymous]

All,

Looking for some outside advice/perspective on my situation. I have been married for 3 years to a man who I once loved and adored. We got along great and had lots in common. I found some hidden marijuana ONE MONTH before our wedding and questioned him about it. He said it was no biggie - something recreational, but if I had a problem with it he wouldn't do it again. Since then I have come to realize:

1. He has a serious problem with marijuana
2. He has stolen money from me
3. He has lied on so many occasions I don't trust him

We have a very open communication about this, and he admits it is a problem. He started going to NA, but I have just recently realized that he is still using. This using habit, by the way, also affects his interaction with our kids (he will be in the playroom knocked out asleep while they run around him, but quickly "wake up" when I go over). We have tried counselling, but I'm not sure how helpful it really is, because he does admit he has a problem and it causes a problem in our lives- he just hasn't been able to overcome it as far as I can see.

So, my question to you is - would you consider staying with a person that lives a secret life? He is helpful around the house - cooks at least. He trys to help with the kids (his definition of help is what I mentioned above), he is not very reliable, and his mood is variable. Sometimes I chalk his behavior up to "typical" behavior for a male (meaning perhaps I am a bit compulsive and I need to relax), but then other times I know that this is not normal. I am so scared my children will find out that he does the drugs, nor do I want them to get older and wonder why Daddy comes and goes "to 7-11" so much (coffee at 9pm?). Our kids are infants right now (two under two), so I feel now is a good time as they won't realize he is gone. Of course, there is also the financial hurdle of how to be separated and afford two places to live, etc...

Please provide me your insights. Have any of you dealt with an individual like this (one who admits he has a problem and "wants" to stop)? And have they? Anyone decided to stick around so that the kids can grow up with their daddy (but then realize the affects were detrimental if the kids found out about the individual's habit??)

For what it is worth - I'm not afraid to leave (well of course there is a little bit of fear of the unknown), I am just afraid of making a "rash" decision since it is such a big one...

[Anonymous]

Alanon

[Anonymous]

Leave. And NEVER leave your children alone with him. EVER.

[Anonymous]

Is the stealing and lying directly tied to his drug habit?

[Anonymous]

my friend grew up with pothead parents...apparently it is normal in Amsterdam where they are from. Both their daughters grew up perfectly fine, and the parents are functional people. They all have jobs, pay taxes and have a very close relationship. They smoke joints like other people drink wine. My husband and I smoke occassionally, but we do not drink, and no we don't swing either. Personally, I believe if alcohol is legal, marijuana should be too.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know what the NA equivalent of Alanon is but you should check it out or at least try Alanon. You'll find other people who have been in your situation and can tell you how they coped. Remember, even if you do leave, you'll be dealing with him as the father of your kids for years to come and places like Alanon can help you figure out how to do it in as sane a way as possible.

As well, if your husband is an addict, be aware that for whatever reason, addictions run in families. Even if you divorce your husband now, your kids are still at risk for becoming addicts of some kind -- whether it's drugs or eating disorders or alcohol.

There's a lot of addiction in my family. Alanon was instrumental in helping me figure out how to live well in spite of it.

So anyway, I suggest getting more information from a variety of sources, then decide what you want to do. Good luck! Sounds like you are thinking carefully about your family's future. Good for you!

[Anonymous]

Does he drive under the influence? If so, get a good insurance policy on your home and auto. If you can, get him life insurance, though he will probably fail the physical.
Get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave. And NEVER leave your children alone with him. EVER.

You are BONKERS.

Many people take marijuana recreationally without it impacting negatively on their life. It sounds like his habit is though.
Does he hold down a full-time job?How much does he smoke? Does he do it on his own or with friends?
Unlike harder drugs, it is not physically adictive, but it is certainly habit forming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave. And NEVER leave your children alone with him. EVER.

I think this poster is BONKERS too.

To OP-Your husband certainly has a problem if he cannot stop this jeuvenile behavior. Do I think your children are in danger when in his care? No. However, as ALL of us know who were big pot heads in our party years, pot can make one VERY lazy and unmotivated over time. Is your husband a good dad? Does he love his kids? Is he engaged when not high?

You really have to weigh the risk/benefit of taking the kids away from their dad, that's a REALLY big deal that will really impact them, even if they are very young now. I agree the Alanon is the best way to meet other people in the same situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave. And NEVER leave your children alone with him. EVER.

You are BONKERS.

Many people take marijuana recreationally without it impacting negatively on their life. It sounds like his habit is though.
Does he hold down a full-time job?How much does he smoke? Does he do it on his own or with friends?
Unlike harder drugs, it is not physically adictive, but it is certainly habit forming.

I have to agree with the poster who said never to leave your children alone with him.

The reality is that one secret life makes it that much easier for someone to have another secret life.

My step-father was long known as a pot-addict, then it came out he was a sex addict, then it came out he was into child porn.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he needs some type of serious wake up call to get him to get more help or make the decision to grow up and live in a more responsible manner. Maybe your leaving and taking the kids would do that. Does he know you are considering this?

Whether it should be or not, pot is illegal, and his use could have serious consequences for your whole family if your husband's behavior results in an arrest, losing a job, or if someone is hurt or property damaged because your husband is stoned and can't function properly. Which will happen sooner or later if he's using it all the time. It's hard enough to parent young children sober. I really wouldn't leave him alone with the kids, especially since he's so good at hiding it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave. And NEVER leave your children alone with him. EVER.

You are BONKERS.

Many people take marijuana recreationally without it impacting negatively on their life. It sounds like his habit is though.
Does he hold down a full-time job?How much does he smoke? Does he do it on his own or with friends?
Unlike harder drugs, it is not physically adictive, but it is certainly habit forming.

But OP is not happy, and it is her husband that has the problem.

[Anonymous]

Don't leave the children unattended with him- you already know he sleeps through and doesn't pay any attention to them at all.

I personally would leave if he doesn't get his act together in the next few months, but i have no tolerance for drug use...

Also, smoking pot is not without risk- it is illegal, it does involve a drug dealer (and the possibility of things going wrong...) and has been shown to have long term impacts such as a higher level of paranoia, etc.

Do you want your kids to smoke pot as teens? Because if you stay with your husband you're not going to have much to say to them about why they can't when your husband did and you were tolerated that.

Its a tough situation. I wouldn't leave without giving it a last try (and telling him he ha only 6mos to kick the habit or whatever time frame) use that time to plan your exit strategy in case you need to use it.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, he sounds like a huge loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't leave the children unattended with him- you already know he sleeps through and doesn't pay any attention to them at all.

I personally would leave if he doesn't get his act together in the next few months, but i have no tolerance for drug use...

Also, smoking pot is not without risk- it is illegal, it does involve a drug dealer (and the possibility of things going wrong...) and has been shown to have long term impacts such as a higher level of paranoia, etc.

Do you want your kids to smoke pot as teens? Because if you stay with your husband you're not going to have much to say to them about why they can't when your husband did and you were tolerated that.

Its a tough situation. I wouldn't leave without giving it a last try (and telling him he ha only 6mos to kick the habit or whatever time frame) use that time to plan your exit strategy in case you need to use it.

Good luck.

I agree with this poster. Very sound advice, IMO.