
first of all, i very much empathize with all the angst about being an older parent and not being around when your kids are older but none of us can predict the furture and we could not be around for other reasons so, here's an idea, let's enjoy the time we have. now.
secondly, as others have pointed out -- many of us are older parents because we weren't ready, hadn't met the one, etc. stating the obvious but we can't control everything.. third -- there are many benefits to being an older parent -- for me a quick summation is i'm more grounded, more secure and established in my career so i can work part time in a high level professional position and make a good salary (all of which allows me to spend more, not less ,time with my child); financially better standing etc etc. so, older moms, and others, let's not be so hard on ourselves.... |
yeah pp, well put! |
hmmm, I'm older and have felt that way, not sure realistically how many posters on DCUM are even in their 20s. When I was in my 20s I did not think of things deep enough to even feel like a failure. I think I would have been much more relaxed about things. However, after working hard to get pregnant and then having a child with medical problems, its quite easy to get hysterical over the smallest things. |
Don't be discouraged by the stats and those that say that the only way you can get pregnant after 40 is through IVF. I got pregnant at 40 on my second cycle of being off the pill (which I had been on for 24 years straight). I have a friend who is pregnant with her 4th at 46 (she had her first at 41) and insists that she only had sex with her husband once and found herself pregnant again.
I also think that being an older parent is not so bad. My husband and I had been married for 8 years before we finally decided we were ready. |
As an older mom as well, I too feel the same about not being able to see my grandkids or be there for my son or other children when they are older. But, I did not meet my spouse until I was already 40. I also would like to have another child and I am in my mid 40's now so that my son will have a sibling. I don't know if I can get pregnant again or not but time will tell. And I do feel that I am a better mom for having children now versus when I was in my 20's or early 30's. But, I don't know anyone who has it ALL. I look around me and really there isn't anyone I envy. My life isn't perfect but it isn't bad. There are always trade-offs!
I have a cousin who got married right after college and had three kids. They are great kids and she did a great job. But, she was always trying to make ends meet financially to the point where it ruined her marriage. She was a SAHM with no particular skills other than teaching at a daycare. She is now 40, divorced and her biggest thrill is going to football games with her new boyfriend. She can't get a job, teachers usually are much younger, and she has no insurance. Basically, she is screwed. And I even have other cousins who are in their 20's having kids and they are not married. They are really in bad shape. Well, one has a boat load of money from an inheritance but chances are she will piss it all way by the time she is 40 if not earlier. I mean really, how many people do you know who's lives are perfect? Most people live with some sort of issues. |
I had my first through IVF at age 37. I'm 41 and trying for baby #2. My FSH is low. My estrogen levels are low. My follicle ct was above average for my age. But I've had two failed cycles in the past 4 mos. It is not easy to get pregnant after 40. My eggs have deteriorated a bit. I feel sad to think that I might not be alive to see my son marry or to see my grandchildren. But If I have another child, I'm sure they would think it was better I had them and never see my grandchildren than to never have had them at all.
It's a very personal decision ladies, regardless of whether it is hard to get pregnant at 40+ or not. I respect a younger woman's decision to have children early and an older woman's decisio to have her children later. |
My OB had told me in this area there's a high percentage of new moms over 40 y/o, and now I see in this forum it's totally true. I'm pregnant for the first time at 39 and wondering if I'll have the same energy and good health at 41 to have another child. My parents and siblings don't leave in the US, so I'm thinking "How could I manage to take care of two children with almost no help from other members of the family?
Does anyone here has or had issues with breastfeeding at 40+? I'm glad we are a big group of ...I don't like to call "older" moms...maybe mature moms?? |
Congratulations, PP! And relax... it's no harder (or easier, for that matter) to breast feed at 45 than it is at 25.... that's one thing that age has nothing to do with. |
OP, I'm not in your situation, but I believe your capacity for love and your desire to parent completely outweigh your age when making this decision.
I can't speak to the difficulty w/ conception side of things (I guess I'm an "immature mom" as I'm 33, have a 20 month old and am pregnant). But I can speak to the AGE side of things...my husband turns 44 this weekend, and his mother is 76. And he is the best father I could have imagined for my children, and his mother is a tremendous Nana. He also runs marathons, rolls around on the floor with our son, and is gentle and steadfast in ways that few younger men are. I never had the thought "I probably don't want kids with him, because he'll be 64 when they are 20, and their grandmother will probably be dead." I agree with the PP who emphasized making the most of the time you have. |
I'm bumping this as I could use some more input here. Conceived at 42 naturally (two months of trying, visited clinic to make sure there weren't any issues). Trying again at 44. My stats (FSH) are better (I think since I'm not so stressed w/ wanting *a* baby vs. another baby). My RE says it can happen. My mother had a full hysterectomy at 41 due to some quack and her fear of cancer so we don't know her genetic input, both she and MIL had babies in their 20's. Genetically both sides live long, healthy lives. Did we mean to wait? No: my 20's flew by, and I had a lot of issues in my 30's, dating jerks, bad boys, and others who I knew would not be good husbands or fathers (yet couldn't tear myself away). DH spent his 30's w/ a woman who didn't want children, and turned out not to want him either. We found each other in our 40's and didn't realize the medical community's bias against older parents. Egg quality does decline but thousand go to Vegas to beat the odds, why can't we try it at home? What do you all think: 45 too old for another baby? |
Well, what matters is really what you think. But for me, I would have preferred to have my kids before I turned 40. I'm 41 now, and if I'm lucky enough to have another I'll be grateful, but I would have preferred that it would have happened 2-3 years ago. I'm definitely feeling my age compared to 6 years ago when I started the TT&C process. |
Very good point. My friend was diagnosed with a brain tumor two years ago at age 29. She is now fine, but was very concerned about how her treatments (radiation) would have affected her ability to have children and was going to wait a few years before trying for a second just because she wasn't sure she was ready (having just gone through cancer treatments/brain surgery). Her doctor said she could wait, but in doing so, she might "miss her chance." He essentially told her that he was seeing more and more women wait longer and longer only to find that they have trouble conceiving and it's hard to tell someone they are having trouble because they are "too old." |
Maybe it's just my mom, but she had me at 31, my sister at 32 and my youngest sister at 34 and she always seemed tired and worn out and never wanted to do anything with us. Of course this was during at time when she would have been considered "old" and all of my friends moms were in their late 20's early 30's but I always thought her lack of interest or enthusiasm for her kids was due to her age. Again, it probably has a lot to do with her personality. I know plenty of energetic older women ![]() |
You're a fertility doctor, right? Otherwise, support your (silly) statements with evidence (as well as your credentials). If you are neiter a doctor or have credentials, keep your silly wives tales to yourself please. |
Okay so I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but want to raise the point anyway. Want to clarify that unfortunately I have experience in this area, otherwise I wouldn't think to bring it up.
You 40+ year olds who are TTC--are you prepared to terminate a pregnancy or raise a child with a chromosonal disorder? There are a lot of disorders that don't get picked up by amnio and may not develop until the child is a toddler (ie autism, PDD). Are you prepared to raise a special needs kid knowing that that child will need tons of energy and may be left all on their own at a young age? |