Parents taking separate vacations from each other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe for Mother's Day you can suggest a family trip to the zoo instead of a bracelet.

love this one

[Anonymous]

Correction: Another martyr with passive aggressive shit. Great example for the kids.

[Anonymous]

You are one weird poster.

Thanks for the laugh during my break.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:40th birthday is a once in a lifetime event.

So is a 41st

and a 42nd

and a 43rd

Get my drift?

Hi troll! How are you today? I'll go ahead and take your delicious bait...
You are saying no day is special, because every day is unique and the only one of that day you'll ever live. Its an interesting perspective that a lot of survivors of disasters or horrible diseases live for the first few months. But the reality is, we, as a human species, put significance on certain days. It is not just a western thing, either. Some are holidays - Christmas, Easter, Passover. Some are just excuses to party (New Year's Eve). Some are only perpetuated by hallmark (Valentines Day). But some mark unique milestones for individuals. 16th birthday. 21st birthday. All the decade birthdays starting with 30. Last time I checked, most people put significance to these dates. And not the 40th birthday plus 1 week and 7 days, although that is another day that he will only live "once".
So, yes, I get your drift. But no, I don't agree with your line of thinking that there are no "special" days.

[Anonymous]

What does being Catholic have to do with anything? Did I miss something while skipping over some posts?

unless perhaps IF you're ovulating while on separate vacations . . . Be fruitful and multiply sort of thing

btw - also a Catholic - but confused over this one

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm Catholic and I really don't get the connection. Your husband's trips wouldn't bother me at all, and I think that they send a positive message - rather than a negative one - to the kids (if any message at all): that parents are individuals with friends and interests of their own. If your husband was going away for weeks at a time, I might answer differently, but one long weekend per year? It sounds to me that you're using this issue to get at bigger problems: feelings that your husband isn't doing his share or that he's not as interested/devoted to your family as you'd like, maybe? I have often felt the same, so I'm not bashing, and you are more than entitled as the working mother of 3 including a very little one! But I'd focus on addressing your underlying unhappiness with his parenting rather than on the trips themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue is not the vacations. A short trip a year shouldn't be a problem. I think the problem is what is happening the rest of the year. If you fight with him on this, you will just make things worse, since it will seem petty. Think about the rest of the year, which is what is really bothering you, and talk to him about this. If he is not spending enough time the rest of the year, this is not petty, this is serious. Stick to the really serious issue.

Agree with this, and the PPs who have suggested that the real issue is totally separate from the vacation issue, and that you will be better off if you approach it that way.

In our family, we do a wide combination of family trips, mom & dad together trips, one parent with kid(s) trips, and solo parent trips. DH has been able to do more of the solo trips since kids (one of mine fell through - boo!), and while I have resented that at times, I know that the logistics of the situation (BFing) are different, and I am actively planning for a big girls trip for next year, which helps with the resentment on that front.

**BUT** I don't truly begrudge DH his 'guy' time away because he is a wonderfully involved Dad when he is home. I can get frustrated with him on assorted parenting issues (household help, logistics planning, etc.), but he is absolutely wonderful at (a) making time to spend with our kids, and (b) being truly invested and involved when he is with them. That counts for a heck of a lot.

[Anonymous]

I think a once a year trip without the family is perfectly reasonable and very healthy.

Now if he goes multiple times a year - and is spending vacation days and money in a way that doesn't allow you to take a family vacation, I could see why you would be upset.

But there's nothing wrong with getting away for a few days with friends. I think maybe you should stop being a martyr, take him up on his offer to take a mini-vacation yourself. You may then realize why it is so important to him. Heck, I just went to a funeral, and had the sad realization that the four hour car drive was the most peace and quiet I've had for years. I'd love to take a mini-vacation with friends (my problem is the lack of friends who can get away).

[Anonymous]

I took a trip to Amsterdam without my wife. She wasn't happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Correction: Another martyr with passive aggressive shit. Great example for the kids.

OP here: Thanks for the thoughts everyone, but I had to laugh at this one. You will never know a person who is less passive aggressive than me. Angry? yes. Bitter? maybe. Struggling to understand how I REALLY feel about this issue and why? Absolutely. But not passive aggressive. not in the least. If I ever figure it out, I will do something about it.

As for being a mommy martyr... I try my damndest not to be. I recognize that it is harder for me to be away from the kids than it is for my spouse. Some of that is for honest to good practical reasons (like the fact that I'm BF my 9 month old), and some of it is just my own reluctance to be away from my kids. That doesn't make me a martyr. It makes me human. For the record, I don't begrudge any of you who take time off to go pursue your interests. I had been doing a better job of that prior to my third child, but admittedly there just hasn't been enough time for it since his birth.

But thanks to everyone who has chimed in. It is helping me to focus on the real issue here... and it may not really be about vacation.

[Anonymous]

"OP here: Thanks for the thoughts everyone, but I had to laugh at this one. You will never know a person who is less OP here: Thanks for the thoughts everyone, but I had to laugh at this one. You will never know a person who is less passive aggressive than me.than me.""

OP - go back and read your post. CLASSIC passive aggressive shit.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years. We've never taken a separate vacation. It's not a matter of whether or not we "could" or "should". Neither of us has any desire to spend our vacations apart. We actually like each other.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you need to figure out what will make you happy with regards to your DH's participation. But I think that he likely just takes a back seat when you're around. Mine does too. So, I know it seems counterintuitive, but take a day off. It doesn't even have to be an overnight. Leave early in the AM and come home after bedtime. FORCE YOURSELF!!! Don't plan the meals, don't go overboard with chores/cleaning/laundry ahead of time. My DH has established little routines with my kids (like going out to dinner, or watching a movie) and he likes the fact that he can do all the things I'd complain about - mismatched clothes, fast food, new toys, TV time - and I'm not there to comment! The house is a disaster when I come home but I bite my tongue and then we have clean up time later.

That said, I think it's healthy to have family-free vaca time. I plan to have a girls' trip every year from now on, in addition to a family or DH-only trip. I can't imagine spending all your time with your family and having no close friends other than DH once your kids leave home!

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's a big deal at all. It is healthy to nuture old friendships. If you are getting a family vacation a long weekend trip separate once or twice a year is perfectly reasonable. The problem is you need to take him up on it and go on your own girls weekend!
It is great to get away and a totally different vibe being with your girlfriends as opposed to your spouse. Happy people have friends.
So let him go and enjoy and then you do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"OP, it sounds to me like parenthood bores your husband."

And it probably always has. Why has it taken OP so long to notice? Is DH really going to change now? How? By nagging? Changing the rules in the middle of the game?

Another martyr with passive aggessive shit. Great example for the kids.

Actually, a lot of moms assume that the DH will get more interested in the kids as they get older. Not all guys are into babies. But many get into kids once they walk and talk and they can take them to ball games and fishing.

Also, I don't recall anything about nagging.

[Anonymous]

I don't think your DH is doing anything wrong, but I do think you should also vacation together as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Correction: Another martyr with passive aggressive shit. Great example for the kids.

OP here: Thanks for the thoughts everyone, but I had to laugh at this one. You will never know a person who is less passive aggressive than me. Angry? yes. Bitter? maybe. Struggling to understand how I REALLY feel about this issue and why? Absolutely. But not passive aggressive. not in the least. If I ever figure it out, I will do something about it.

As for being a mommy martyr... I try my damndest not to be. I recognize that it is harder for me to be away from the kids than it is for my spouse. Some of that is for honest to good practical reasons (like the fact that I'm BF my 9 month old), and some of it is just my own reluctance to be away from my kids. That doesn't make me a martyr. It makes me human. For the record, I don't begrudge any of you who take time off to go pursue your interests. I had been doing a better job of that prior to my third child, but admittedly there just hasn't been enough time for it since his birth.

But thanks to everyone who has chimed in. It is helping me to focus on the real issue here... and it may not really be about vacation.

New poster here and I think this is nailing the issue. I totally see where you're coming from. I agree with pretty much everyone that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with parents taking a few days off on their own to vacation with friends. BUT you need to consider the context. And the context here is that you already feel your husband is absent too often, so of course it grates on you when he disappears for three days with his buddies. If he was present and doing his share of the child-rearing, you probably wouldn't feel this way, I'm guessing, because you sound like a reasonable, level-headed person.

I don't know enough about your situation to understand why there's an imbalance here, but this definitely seems like something to talk about with him. I do think you could bring it up in the context of a vacation, if that helped you--"DH, I think it's wonderful that you have strong friendships and want to spend time with your friends, but it's hard for me to see you take off for a few days b/c I already feel we don't see enough of you." Or something along those lines.