Parents taking separate vacations from each other

[Anonymous]

My husband wants to go on a short (3-4 day) golf vacation with his college buddies this year to celebrate his 40th birthday. The whole thing has me pissed because I feel I have been unduly (and stupidly?) flexible with him on things like this over the last 10 years of our marriage, and I feel I have sent the wrong message about my expectations for married life. We have three young kids (the youngest is 9 months). Since our oldest was born 6 years ago, he has done about one trip per year (sailing with his friends for a week, visiting friends, concert at Red Rocks, etc.) I have always tried to make these things work -- I think out of a misplaced desire not to be the proverbial "ball and chain". But they've been eating at me for years, and this one is just the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I feel that married people (maybe especially married peopel with KIDS) should vacation together. I'm not sure exactly where my feelings on this come from, but I'm sure part of it is from my own parents, who never took vacations apart. I recognize the value in sometimes BOTH parents getting away from the kids -- but with young children, it isn't always practical or easy. We have managed to take a few short weekend trips away alone since our oldest came along, but we have found it hard to do with really young (i.e., less than 18 month olds) kids. I feel like 95% of our vacations should be as a family... with maybe a brief reprieve for the two of us on occasion.

Would others be willing to share their thoughts on this? Am I being unreasonable? He has, on occasion, encouraged me to go take a trip to see my girlfriends -- but I've never taken him up on it. So, while I don't want to foreclose the idea that it is NEVER appropriate to take a trip by yourself to visit a dear friend... I guess it is the frequency and timing of the trips that bothers me. He's not a total selfish bastard... but I think this behavior is selfish and that I've "enabled" it.

Am I being old-fashioned?

[Anonymous]

I'd never take a separate vacation or let my husband take one unless we had gone on a vacation together first. It's not a ball and chain thing, it's a respect/desire to be together thing.

[Anonymous]

I have married friends (w/ kids) who take occasional separate trips from their spouse. I don't really see that in itself as a big deal. If it's only once a year, and if he's not using all his vacation time to do solo trips, I would suck it up. I think maybe you need some time to yourself, though, so you're not feeling like the burden is solely on you. And there should be a family vacation too. Do any of your girlfriends take trips together? would be a good weekend for your in-laws to come help with the kids, so you can get away and enjoy yourself. (I'm a single mom; I get occasional weekends off from my child and it is NICE.)

[Anonymous]

No, OP, I think you are totally being reasonable. I agree with PP, that a separate vacation is ok if the family has done 1 first.

I have so many wonderful memories of my families' summer vacations. My husband and I don't get a lot of time to relax together, and so we cannot imagine taking separate vacations. A weekend here and there is fine.

That being said...

What you should do is let him do the golf weekend, but start planning a longer vacation for the family, assuming he can do both.

[Anonymous]

"I feel that married people (maybe especially married peopel with KIDS) should vacation together."

Did you tell this to BEFORE you were married?

[Anonymous]

Not clear, do you never vacation together as a family? If you do, and he does these trips in addition to family trips, then I think you're making a big deal of it. But, if these trips are instead of family vacation then I agree with you.

[Anonymous]

My Christmas gift to my DH was a golf trip with his buddies this spring. It's only one of multiple vacations a year, and he's fine with me going anf having some girl time. We also take 1 day off every other month for us to have a "date day" together. All the rest of our vacations are as a family. My advice is 1. take him up on the girl time and 2. if you really object, say no.
I think its healthy for us to get "me" time.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you, OP, that you should also do a family vacation together, but I also think separate vacations are OK. My husband has taken a 4 day trip with some friends for the past 4-5 years each January, and I have started doing a long weekend with college friends in August (this will be our 3rd year), but we also travel to the beach as a family each summer for a week and usually go somewhere around Spring Break time as well (our kids are 5 and 3). I think you should take him up on his offer to have you go with your girlfriends - it is so great to just have time with friends without kids and get a little break. I do think it is harder for women to do this, but as your kids get older and more self-sufficient, it should definitely be doable.

[Anonymous]

The trick is do both -- his/hers, and family -- with family coming FIRST out of the vacation days and budget kitty. Plan the family thing first, then plan another one for ~ 6mos. later (neither has to be "grand," btw. Could be as simple as camping or a waterpark). IMO, one trip a year as a family isn't enough to reap the benefits.

THEN, if DH has 1. days left over from work and 2. $$ to spend from the family budget, then he may go golfing/sailing/Vegas. Same for DW.


My DH goes to Vegas 2x a year under this protocol, and I go to a loud chaotic tacky beach trip with the cousins, sans DH.

[Anonymous]

40th birthday is a once in a lifetime event.

[Anonymous]

I totally see your point but it sounds like your DH may not. For all these years while he's been taking his separate vacations, have you ever tried it yourself? Maybe you should do that. There are tons of cool things out there. Pick one!

[Anonymous]

I think a long weekend once or twice a year is no big deal. A week is a long time, and I can understand if its something special but not at all if its at the expense of a family vacation. I think at this time when your kids are young, its hard for both of you to get away as a couple. So do a family vacation or two, and go away alone for a weekend to see some friends, go to a wedding or visit family if it works. But don't just sit there and be mad about it. Talk to your husband about it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. -- just one point of clarification -- we DO take family vacations (at least a week or two) ever year -- so its really not that his solo-trips are coming at the expense of our family trips. Am I still reasonable?

Gosh I know this sounds bitter, and maybe I am,... but I think the real issue for me that i feel he doesn't spend nearly enough time with the kids (or with me). We both work full time, so "quality time" is really hard to come by. So whenever he takes 3 or for days off to be with his buddies, a part of mr bristles, thinking "why doesn't he spend one of those days taking his sons to the zoo or the ballgame or something?" maybe its ultimately an issue of priorities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:40th birthday is a once in a lifetime event.

so is your 50th birthday. and your 60th. and your 41st birthday for that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:40th birthday is a once in a lifetime event.

OP isn't clear whether this trip is actually at the time of his 40th birthday or not. My girlfriends and I will all turn 40 next year and plan on celebrating at some point together, but it will not be during any of actual birthdays - just on some weekend during the year we turn 40.