Parents taking separate vacations from each other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. -- just one point of clarification -- we DO take family vacations (at least a week or two) ever year -- so its really not that his solo-trips are coming at the expense of our family trips. Am I still reasonable?

Gosh I know this sounds bitter, and maybe I am,... but I think the real issue for me that i feel he doesn't spend nearly enough time with the kids (or with me). We both work full time, so "quality time" is really hard to come by. So whenever he takes 3 or for days off to be with his buddies, a part of mr bristles, thinking "why doesn't he spend one of those days taking his sons to the zoo or the ballgame or something?" maybe its ultimately an issue of priorities?

I think you are being unreasonable. Particularly since you've already set the precedent for 10 years. And you do have a family vacation.

There's 51 other weekends he could take the kids to the zoo, ballgame, whatever. If over 90% of his weekends are with family, then why are you bothered about less than 10%?

Maybe you want him to take the kids to the zoo ANY weekend, and he doesn't. You could suggest it. My DH and I come up with ideas for fun weekend stuff with the kids. We mix it up on who goes - is it Daddy and older son special time? Or mommy and older son? Or the whole family? Or special time for dadda and baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:40th birthday is a once in a lifetime event.

So is a 41st

and a 42nd

and a 43rd

Get my drift?

[Anonymous]

Maybe for Mother's Day you can suggest a family trip to the zoo instead of a bracelet.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I really do appreciate the civil discourse everyone, because at least it is helping me crystalize what my "beef" is.

I haven't taken any girl trips, but not for lack of ideas! I think part of the problem is my girl friends are also mothers -- so we all have a bit of the same problem (i.e., timing and a tough time walking away from our kids). I realize that is MY problem.. not his.

No, I don't think I ever told him this before we got married. Ironically, we did pre-cana, and I'm pretty sure this item never came up. But there are all sorts of things I never told him about before we got married (for example, I expect him to shower ever day, and I expect him to get out of bed and help me with the baby when he's screaming in the middle of the night for the third time), so I'm not sure I feel too limited by that. In fairness, I don't think HIS parents did this either -- so I felt like we were on the "same page".

In my heart of hearts, I feel like there is something just "wrong" about it, but I'll admit I can't quite figure out where that comes from. It may be just from a (mistaken) assumption that "this is how my parents did it, therefore it must be right", or it may be some prudish/Catholic thing about the sanctity of the family... I have no idea. I really don't. So I'm struggling to figure out whether there is actually a GOOD reason here or at least a good reason for my feelings on this subject... or whether its just become very common and accepted these days and I need to get with the program.

Do you think it sends a bad message to the kids when they do so little with Dad, but he runs off to play golf for 4 days with his friends? They already have to suffer through (too) many Saturdays with the "Where's Daddy?" "Oh, he's playing golf... again" dynamic.

Maybe its a "golf" issue more than a trip issue? Nahhh... I think its both. But the golf element certainly doesnt' help.

[Anonymous]

OP, given that you go take family trips together I think that you are being a bit unreasonable. It really does not have to be all or nothing, you can do family trips, alone trips and trip with just the two of you (assuming you have someone to keep the kids). You should take him up on this offer and go away (sans kids) with your friends - it really is a lot of fun and you come back totally refreshed. I honestly think that this alone time has really helped our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. -- just one point of clarification -- we DO take family vacations (at least a week or two) ever year -- so its really not that his solo-trips are coming at the expense of our family trips. Am I still reasonable?

Gosh I know this sounds bitter, and maybe I am,... but I think the real issue for me that i feel he doesn't spend nearly enough time with the kids (or with me). We both work full time, so "quality time" is really hard to come by. So whenever he takes 3 or for days off to be with his buddies, a part of mr bristles, thinking "why doesn't he spend one of those days taking his sons to the zoo or the ballgame or something?" maybe its ultimately an issue of priorities?

I think you are being unreasonable. Particularly since you've already set the precedent for 10 years. And you do have a family vacation.

There's 51 other weekends he could take the kids to the zoo, ballgame, whatever. If over 90% of his weekends are with family, then why are you bothered about less than 10%?

Maybe you want him to take the kids to the zoo ANY weekend, and he doesn't. You could suggest it. My DH and I come up with ideas for fun weekend stuff with the kids. We mix it up on who goes - is it Daddy and older son special time? Or mommy and older son? Or the whole family? Or special time for dadda and baby?

OP here. This is a good point. I think the problem is, he doesn't do ANYTHING with the kids unless I make him, and it's always incumbent upon me to make the plans. And he groans about taking a day to drive to Baltimore to take the kids to see the aquarium (it's too far, it's too expensive). So in the context of that, a 4 day trip to Myrtle Beach to play golf pisses me off. Your idea about mixing up who goes is a good one too...

[Anonymous]

Seems to me that the issue is not so much the vacations as it is that you think your kids so not see enough of their dad. I think that you should put the vacation aside and discuss this concern with your DH.

[Anonymous]

i think you're being selfish.

i take a solo trip with my friends every year, and i'm never giving them up! i spend approximately 362 days a year making sacrifices and compromises for the sake of my family, and i want a few days a year to do what i want, when i want. i also encourage my SO to do the same. i come back from these trips relaxed, happy, and more appreciative of what i have at home.

family vacations are in large part about the kids - picking a kid friendly destination, eating a restaurants that offer tenders, participating in activites that necessitate wearing sensible shoes, not getting too drunk... and logistically, it can be a nightmare. i love being able to hop on a plane with just one carry-on (with no car seat, stroller, copious amounts of snacks, games, books, etc.) and particpate in (or bow out of) the activities of my choosing without the fear of reprisal or tantrums.

if you want a family vacation, plan one. if you want to have some fun with your friends, GO!! i think everyone deserves a few days a year where they can do whatever they want and live it up a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:40th birthday is a once in a lifetime event.

So is a 41st

and a 42nd

and a 43rd

Get my drift?

Hi troll! How are you today? I'll go ahead and take your delicious bait...
You are saying no day is special, because every day is unique and the only one of that day you'll ever live. Its an interesting perspective that a lot of survivors of disasters or horrible diseases live for the first few months. But the reality is, we, as a human species, put significance on certain days. It is not just a western thing, either. Some are holidays - Christmas, Easter, Passover. Some are just excuses to party (New Year's Eve). Some are only perpetuated by hallmark (Valentines Day). But some mark unique milestones for individuals. 16th birthday. 21st birthday. All the decade birthdays starting with 30. Last time I checked, most people put significance to these dates. And not the 40th birthday plus 1 week and 7 days, although that is another day that he will only live "once".
So, yes, I get your drift. But no, I don't agree with your line of thinking that there are no "special" days.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like role expectations. My DH takes several trips with the boys -- golf, skiing, basketball tournaments. It's not fair -- but as guys get older -- they think they deserve it. You should arrange to take your own trips OP and balance with DH. I'll assure you once you are gone and expect equal timing...he will get the message for every trip he takes -- you'll take one.

[Anonymous]

Please. I took a 4 day vacay to indulge in a clinic for a sport activity that I am maniacally into. There was no internet or phone coverage during the day until we came home from the mountain to the cabin at night. I talked to the 3 kids and DH every night I was there--I had a BLAST! I came back so refreshed yet missing them all so badly. I encourage everyone to try this. Your DH can handle it. Mine pretends to be incompetent with them but I force him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm Catholic and I really don't get the connection. Your husband's trips wouldn't bother me at all, and I think that they send a positive message - rather than a negative one - to the kids (if any message at all): that parents are individuals with friends and interests of their own. If your husband was going away for weeks at a time, I might answer differently, but one long weekend per year? It sounds to me that you're using this issue to get at bigger problems: feelings that your husband isn't doing his share or that he's not as interested/devoted to your family as you'd like, maybe? I have often felt the same, so I'm not bashing, and you are more than entitled as the working mother of 3 including a very little one! But I'd focus on addressing your underlying unhappiness with his parenting rather than on the trips themselves.

[Anonymous]

Possibly unreasonable. My husband will tack on some R&R to a work trip and I fully support it. He would support my taking some time alone, but unfortunately I don't have the vacation time or $$ to do so right now. Of course he is a very engaged father and husband as well as hard worker in the office, and we only have 1 child and have fabulous family vacations. I think my support would lessen if I had to care for 3 children including an infant solo. I second the notion of planning a girls weekend for you so he can see the impact of having to care for 3 children alone. Then you can come back rested and have a more fruitful discussion going forward.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This is a good point. I think the problem is, he doesn't do ANYTHING with the kids unless I make him, and it's always incumbent upon me to make the plans. And he groans about taking a day to drive to Baltimore to take the kids to see the aquarium (it's too far, it's too expensive). So in the context of that, a 4 day trip to Myrtle Beach to play golf pisses me off. Your idea about mixing up who goes is a good one too...

Yes, I can see your problem, and how the golf trip is yet more time away. I have no advice - my DH and I argue over what thing to do because we both have ideas on what we think would be fun. lol - and my DH does golf a lot - but he still ensures he gets time with the kids. I don't know. We love seeing our kids eyes light up when they see the dolphin show at the aquarium. Or the squeal when they go go-cart racing. Or the delight when they squirt water at each other in the bumper boats. Or even the ordinary special reading time when we get one-on-one time to read a silly story. That's the fun part of being parents, and we wouldn't miss it more than the occassional decompress time. I'm sorry, maybe he just doesn't have any idea how fun and rewarding (although absolutely exhasting at times) these fun little adventures are for everyone. Its never fun if you go with a bad attitude and are certain its just a long trip and a waste of money.

[Anonymous]

I think the issue is not the vacations. A short trip a year shouldn't be a problem. I think the problem is what is happening the rest of the year. If you fight with him on this, you will just make things worse, since it will seem petty. Think about the rest of the year, which is what is really bothering you, and talk to him about this. If he is not spending enough time the rest of the year, this is not petty, this is serious. Stick to the really serious issue.