Parents taking separate vacations from each other

[Anonymous]

"OP here. -- just one point of clarification -- we DO take family vacations (at least a week or two) ever year -- so its really not that his solo-trips are coming at the expense of our family trips. Am I still reasonable?"

No, I don't think you're being reasonable. As long as your DH is there for you and the kids the rest of the year, and as long as you can manage the kids w/o him for a few days, I think it is normal and reasonable for him to take a long weekend trip once a year. I and probably most of my friends have done this - at least a few times, if not annually. As pp said, its important to recharge to be a good partner and parent.

But I think what is more important is that you figure out why this is bothering you so much - what are the underlying emotions?

[Anonymous]

OP here. This is a good point. I think the problem is, he doesn't do ANYTHING with the kids unless I make him, and it's always incumbent upon me to make the plans. And he groans about taking a day to drive to Baltimore to take the kids to see the aquarium (it's too far, it's too expensive). So in the context of that, a 4 day trip to Myrtle Beach to play golf pisses me off..

OP, I think people aren't listening to you and getting too caught up in talking about their own girl trips to yoga camps or something.

**I** get what you're saying, and the problem is highlighted in bold here. We have the same problem at our place and it makes me furious. Some DHs act like petulant little children.

It's not that you're not permitted to take one appreciation weekend in the Berkshires alone this summer -- you are. But that's missing the point.

The POINT is that your (and my) husband is acting like he had nothing to do with pulling down his pants and making children that he's now responsible for -- and that includes their psychic happiness. That means being physically and mentally PRESENT. Being available. Being *happy* (or faking it) about spending time with them and not staring at the iPhone.

I get you, OP.

[Anonymous]

s long as your DH is there for you and the kids the rest of the year,

OP specifically said he's not there for the kids the rest of the year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:40th birthday is a once in a lifetime event.

So is your 41st birthday, 42nd birthday, etc. Unless you are dead.

So what is your point?

[Anonymous]

OP,

This is NOT the time to switch gears. If my spouse did this, I would not get the timing. If it's been fine for a decade, you can't throw a hissy fit now. I think it's great for your marriage. If you need extra help, step that up in the week before and after his trip!

[Anonymous]

It's great for your marriage = taking a trip like this once a year. More than that is too much. I know tons of people who does this. Even women!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. -- just one point of clarification -- we DO take family vacations (at least a week or two) ever year -- so its really not that his solo-trips are coming at the expense of our family trips. Am I still reasonable?

Gosh I know this sounds bitter, and maybe I am,... but I think the real issue for me that i feel he doesn't spend nearly enough time with the kids (or with me). We both work full time, so "quality time" is really hard to come by. So whenever he takes 3 or for days off to be with his buddies, a part of mr bristles, thinking "why doesn't he spend one of those days taking his sons to the zoo or the ballgame or something?" maybe its ultimately an issue of priorities?

Good awareness, OP! This is what you should discuss with your DH because this is what's really bothering you. Don't attach it to the separate vacation thing. In fact, talk about it completely independently. Just share with him your feelings about "quality time" and make some specific requests for things he could do that would make you feel better. My guess is if he were to do more on that front, you'd feel better about him and your relationship, and the guys' trip wouldn't bother you so much.

As for whether separate vacations are reasonable, I think different people have different opinions, of course. Personally, I think they're great -- both DH and I have done a few here and there with friends, but we've also done vacations together without DC, and of course we vacation together as a family. Overall, the key is the issue you raised -- are your needs and the needs of your children being met re "quality time"? If so, vacations with friends are a wonderful way for parents to get that all-important "me time". But "me time" is usually third on the list after "marriage time" and "kid time" . . . .

[Anonymous]

I can see your point, OP. To see DH so excited about spending a few days with his buddies, golfing, and his 40th birthday, no less--in stark contrast to the weekends of the year with his wife and kids, when he drags his feet, doesn't seem particularly excited, and doesn't see this time as special or sacred.

However, if you're really honest, spending time with children is a labor of love. You love your kids, but it's 90% work, 10% play. You always have to be "on"--making sure the kids are safe, fed, clean, etc.--you're never really free to just do what you want.

A few days away from the family is OK, in my book. I think that you, mom, need to make sure that you get enough time to figure out what you enjoy doing apart from your family. DH should take over everything for YOUR annual vacation.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I do take trips with girlfriends/guy friends without one another but 1.) they don't come at the expense of family vacations and 2.) they're much-needed free time because after working full-time and devoting all other down-time to our kids. Why does he need so many vacations away if he doesn't spend enough time with the kids as it is?! It sounds like you deserve the "break" far more than he does.

I don't know that I'd put the kabosh on the trip he's planning now but I'd press a reset button after he gets back and explain your thoughts and feelings and see what his reaction is. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

If you are already taking vacations as a family, and if you have the opportunity to take a vacation with your girlfriends, I think it's fine for your husband to have a long weekend with his buddies.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever taken a vacation alone and left the kid's with your husband? If so, maybe it's time to.

I think there should be a balance of vacations together and vacations apart. I don't see a problem with that. But if one parent is repeatedly taking vacations apart and doesn't give a chance for the other parent to do the same that can become an issue.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds to me like parenthood bores your husband. You probably see some sort of spark when he talks about his golf game and that probably pisses you off and makes you sad. My dad used to take yearly two week vacations with his buddies but could not manage to make it home before 8pm or spend more than 3-4 days at the beach with us. My mother buried her anger for years (or took it out on her six kids). I think she just felt disrespected and that the family came last. Talk to your dh. You both deserve "me" time, but you both should also be contributing equally to the care and well-being of the family.

[Anonymous]

"OP, it sounds to me like parenthood bores your husband."

And it probably always has. Why has it taken OP so long to notice? Is DH really going to change now? How? By nagging? Changing the rules in the middle of the game?

Another martyr with passive aggessive shit. Great example for the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, if he feels that way, let him go. Otherwise it might get worse. Just saying.

FIL took every last opportunity he could to travel for "work", he signed up for everything. He just couldn't take it anymore. Don't let your DH become my FIL who could not stand his wife and family.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I'm not saying that arrangement is for me. We actually like to spend time around each other. Some just need a break, and this is the more acceptable way to do it. Make sense?

DH had an extremely volatile family. They do better off not pretending they get along, and just being away from each other. Maybe that is the same of your DH?