Preschool complaining about 4 year old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the comments and recommendations.

A few details without giving myself away just in case. My DD's preschool is a 'feeder' preschool to a academically rigorous private school that her sibling is at. I just compared my elementary school child's schedule with my preschooler and my older child has far less transitions. DD's preschool teacher is new and this is her first year as a lead teacher. My DD had a similar schedule in her 3 year old class with no known issues, but that class had a seasoned teacher that ADORED her.

DD is very strong willed, very social and spirited. She has a strong desire for independence and we give her many opportunities at home to do things on her own.

We did bring up concerns to our pediatrician at her last well check and a ASQ (?) screening was done and she scored in the white zone for all areas which they said means she was developing as expected. However, I do see some traits that look like ADHD to me. She's high energy, impulsive and very sensitive to people being upset with her. She often says that she feels like "nobody likes her." But she does well during sit down activities, listening during story time, taking turns, etc.

I don't want to dismiss her teacher, clearly she's behaving out of step of her peers and perhaps further evaluation or we need to look for a school that's a better fit for her... We'll see how the next few months go and see if we can find improvement together.

OK, you are at a private like Beavoir. By saying they are documenting, they are getting ready to counsel her out. She is not going to be fed into St. Alban's or wherever you are. You need to immediately start working well with the school to help your daughter move up (don't fight them on anything) or immediately start looking for a better environment for her. A full neuropsych workup is in order (not what your ped. did). By doing so, you are not only working with your current school, but you are starting on the right path to get the best next private school for your daughter. Sorry, but I've been down this road with autism, ADHD, and anxiety disorders, and this sounds like one or all of those.

[Anonymous]

Just solidarity. We also have been jumped a few times with apparent crisis after months of “everything is great!” Like, lady, had we known, we could have been making moves months ago! It’s also hard because at this age, it’s really difficult to intervene when home and school are so different and a talk with your kid at 8am is long forgotten by noon. Just now at 4.5 we’ve been able to say: “I want to get XYZ behavior report today. Your reward/punishment (whichever they respond to best) will be ABC.” But I think what actually moved the needle on a particular issue was that we and his teachers made a concerted effort to praise good behavior. We had accidentally gotten in a loop of majority correcting vs praising.

We’re daycare to public, so no concerns about being counseled out. I suspect he will get an ADHD diagnosis when he is a little older (certainly has the family history!) but for now we have him in private OT while pursuing services through the city. Good luck! It’s been incredibly frustrating how unhelpful everyone (preschool teachers, city, etc.) has been when we are willing to do whatever they ask to support our kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just solidarity. We also have been jumped a few times with apparent crisis after months of “everything is great!” Like, lady, had we known, we could have been making moves months ago! It’s also hard because at this age, it’s really difficult to intervene when home and school are so different and a talk with your kid at 8am is long forgotten by noon. Just now at 4.5 we’ve been able to say: “I want to get XYZ behavior report today. Your reward/punishment (whichever they respond to best) will be ABC.” But I think what actually moved the needle on a particular issue was that we and his teachers made a concerted effort to praise good behavior. We had accidentally gotten in a loop of majority correcting vs praising.

We’re daycare to public, so no concerns about being counseled out. I suspect he will get an ADHD diagnosis when he is a little older (certainly has the family history!) but for now we have him in private OT while pursuing services through the city. Good luck! It’s been incredibly frustrating how unhelpful everyone (preschool teachers, city, etc.) has been when we are willing to do whatever they ask to support our kid.

DP

We also learned the hard way that teachers aren't usually super proactive about alerting parents of issues. As a first time mom I guess I thought they would have referred us to child find, but really they just mentioned things one time and then on other days they would say "she's doing so much better". To be fair, teachers are not qualified to diagnose developmental issues so oftentimes they don't know, and they also don't want to say bad things to you about your kid every day. I've learned that when a teacher gives me information about something my child is struggling with, that they are doing me a favor by telling me (always a risk the parent will get upset with them) and that I need to take it from there to figure out how to support my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Decrease the hounding and negotiation at home. She gets a warning, a command, and a reminder - that’s it. Or that should be the goal you’re working towards.


It sounds like you’re letting transitions drag forever at home.

This. Parents often don’t even realize the they say things like “do you want to take a bath now?” Instead of “it’s bath time” and kids think it’s up for negotiation. Then if the kid keeps playing and you let them keep playing 5 minutes Monday and 3 minutes Tuesday and 10 minutes Wednesday, you are setting your kid up to know you’ll break if they push you. Inconsistency is the worst for strong willed kids.

Be clear with your communication and expectations and follow through.

Do this before blaming the teacher and pursuing diagnoses. Look for a parent coach or watch super nanny to get ideas. Also, be on the same page with your spouse, use the same language and have the same expectations.

I agree with this. I still remember getting in trouble in kindergarten for saying, "No," when the teacher asked, "Does everybody want to sing I've Been Working on the Railroad?" Hey, she asked! I wanted to sing something else. Be clear and consice. I remember it because I thought she was being unfair.

I’m the pp you responded to. And yes, exactly, it’s silly that you got in trouble for the teacher’s ambiguous communication. And many kids are smarter than we give them credit for.

A lot of parents don’t want to own that their parenting could use some tweaks, but it’s often clear from the outside from those of us who are in a child-oriented profession. Yes there are special needs, but no you don’t use that as an excuse to un-parent your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just solidarity. We also have been jumped a few times with apparent crisis after months of “everything is great!” Like, lady, had we known, we could have been making moves months ago! It’s also hard because at this age, it’s really difficult to intervene when home and school are so different and a talk with your kid at 8am is long forgotten by noon. Just now at 4.5 we’ve been able to say: “I want to get XYZ behavior report today. Your reward/punishment (whichever they respond to best) will be ABC.” But I think what actually moved the needle on a particular issue was that we and his teachers made a concerted effort to praise good behavior. We had accidentally gotten in a loop of majority correcting vs praising.

We’re daycare to public, so no concerns about being counseled out. I suspect he will get an ADHD diagnosis when he is a little older (certainly has the family history!) but for now we have him in private OT while pursuing services through the city. Good luck! It’s been incredibly frustrating how unhelpful everyone (preschool teachers, city, etc.) has been when we are willing to do whatever they ask to support our kid.

DP

We also learned the hard way that teachers aren't usually super proactive about alerting parents of issues. As a first time mom I guess I thought they would have referred us to child find, but really they just mentioned things one time and then on other days they would say "she's doing so much better". To be fair, teachers are not qualified to diagnose developmental issues so oftentimes they don't know, and they also don't want to say bad things to you about your kid every day. I've learned that when a teacher gives me information about something my child is struggling with, that they are doing me a favor by telling me (always a risk the parent will get upset with them) and that I need to take it from there to figure out how to support my kid.

Teachers are afraid of confrontation and upsetting parents.

Many times parents don’t believe teachers. It could be something as simple as your child has a fever or, your child is sick. Dismissing it as just allergies or teething. What is happening is that teachers give up until it’s too late or the problem is too severe. I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s what’s happening many cases.

You can see it in OP’s post. She blames the teachers that they’re “complaining” about her daughter. instead of being open and willing to have a discussion about any possible concerns.

And I typed all that to say that transitions every 45 minutes is not developmentally appropriate, and the sign of an improper program for four-year-olds. #team4yearoldgirl

[Anonymous]

lol OP describes her child as "spirited", that tells us all we need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just solidarity. We also have been jumped a few times with apparent crisis after months of “everything is great!” Like, lady, had we known, we could have been making moves months ago! It’s also hard because at this age, it’s really difficult to intervene when home and school are so different and a talk with your kid at 8am is long forgotten by noon. Just now at 4.5 we’ve been able to say: “I want to get XYZ behavior report today. Your reward/punishment (whichever they respond to best) will be ABC.” But I think what actually moved the needle on a particular issue was that we and his teachers made a concerted effort to praise good behavior. We had accidentally gotten in a loop of majority correcting vs praising.

We’re daycare to public, so no concerns about being counseled out. I suspect he will get an ADHD diagnosis when he is a little older (certainly has the family history!) but for now we have him in private OT while pursuing services through the city. Good luck! It’s been incredibly frustrating how unhelpful everyone (preschool teachers, city, etc.) has been when we are willing to do whatever they ask to support our kid.

DP

We also learned the hard way that teachers aren't usually super proactive about alerting parents of issues. As a first time mom I guess I thought they would have referred us to child find, but really they just mentioned things one time and then on other days they would say "she's doing so much better". To be fair, teachers are not qualified to diagnose developmental issues so oftentimes they don't know, and they also don't want to say bad things to you about your kid every day. I've learned that when a teacher gives me information about something my child is struggling with, that they are doing me a favor by telling me (always a risk the parent will get upset with them) and that I need to take it from there to figure out how to support my kid.

Teachers are afraid of confrontation and upsetting parents.

Many times parents don’t believe teachers. It could be something as simple as your child has a fever or, your child is sick. Dismissing it as just allergies or teething. What is happening is that teachers give up until it’s too late or the problem is too severe. I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s what’s happening many cases.

You can see it in OP’s post. She blames the teachers that they’re “complaining” about her daughter. instead of being open and willing to have a discussion about any possible concerns.

And I typed all that to say that transitions every 45 minutes is not developmentally appropriate, and the sign of an improper program for four-year-olds. #team4yearoldgirl

Oh for sure, I totally get that teachers don't want to get blowback from parents. Unfortunately, many parents who are willing to listen learn the hard way that the teachers are not going to spell things out for them. Parents have to learn to read between the lines, which can be especially hard when you don't want to to believe anything is wrong and/or don't have access to services to support.

[Anonymous]

I am assuming the school year is over and you will have a new teacher in the fall? You might find your child does better in a different classroom but if the problem persists I would hire a child/family therapist to do an independent classroom observation. That will help you figure out if aspects of the classroom environment are particularly challenging. You can then use that information if you pursue further diagnoses or evaluations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely hold her back if you're not already thinking of doing so.

It's crossed my mind.

DD just turned 4 a couple months ago so it will be a bit before she's going into Kinder, she moved into the 4 year old class early... not sure why actually. I think it had to do with space needing to be freed up in the 3s class. Regardless, I'm not opposed to it.

Does this mean she was moved into a class with 4 and 5 year olds while she was still 3? If so, this could be part of the issue. There’s a vast maturity difference between kids who are not yet 4 and those who are 5+, and the teacher likely views them all the same.